Clarification

Now in a previous rant about music I made a statement saying that I want Sex, Drugs, and Rock N Roll in my Rock N Roll, then said long live Motley Crue and Metallica, 2 bands from the early 80s that are still awesome. I didn't mean to imply that I thought Metallica was a Sex, Drugs, and Rock N Roll band. They are just a great Metal band. Despite what some people say, despite how a couple of records sounded. If you can't handle diversity, go fuck yourself. They are and always will be an amazing Metal band. But this is how I distinguish between a great Rock N Roll band and a great Metal band. If you mess with a Metal band they will kick your ass and celebrate by drinking beer. Maybe even offer you one. If you mess with a Rock N Roll band, they will kick your ass and celebrate by fucking your girlfriend. Maybe even let you watch. OK, you understand that?

Now in that same previous rant, I mentioned that Trivium was one of the few bands that I could get behind. Well I saw them live for the 3rd time the other night and they just melted my face off. They really reinforced the idea that they are one of the greatest bands going right now. Metal band by the way. I also mentioned Black Label Society (BLS) as one of my favorites, one that does not suck. But I excluded them from the category of new bands because the Genesis, or rather the Catalyst for the band began in the early 90s with Pride & Glory. However, BLS really got started in the late 90s, co maybe you could consider them new if new means within the last 10 years. Ooh, ooh, here is another great new(er) band: Avenged Sevenfold (A7X). These guys are a great Rock N Roll band. Complete with tattoos and cool names. Synester Gates and Zacky Vengeance, what awesome names for guitar players. Those might almost be as cool as Nikki Skywalker. Almost.

You know what's fun? 'Upperdecking' someone's toilet. That's where you take a shit in the back part of the toilet. Just take the ceramic lid off the back and unload your feces. Try it sometime. Not at my place though! I guarantee you won't be able to do it without giggling the entire time. Then flush it so shit water fills the bowl up. HA!

My junior year in high school I was attending a career center half the day, and my regular school the other half. Can you believe that my home school didn't even want to give me a locker? Yeah, because I didn't attend the school for a full day. What bullshit, I still had classes and books. Well, my dad straightened that shit out with one visit. Don't wanna give me a locker? Fuck you, I got my locker. A new locker, my old locker was given away. Plus I forgot o completely clean out my locker at the end of my sophomore year, because we were supposed to keep our lockers for the entire 4 years we were there. Anyway i left these cool G.I. Joe magnets on the inside of my locker door along with a picture of me on my dad's Ninja (motorcycle). Well this black dude that got my locker thought all the magnets and pictures came with the locker. Like they put pictures of people on motorcycles in everyone's locker. He didn't want to give me my stuff back. What the fuck was he gonna do with a picture of a white guy on a random motorcycle? He thought it looked cool. I was like "Gimme my fuckin' shit back asshole!" I ripped my pictures down, there was even pictures of me and my friends from middle school. So I told him "Keep the magnets you fuck, I'm taking my goddamn pictures." Now that I think about it, I should have punched him in the face, kicked him in the gut, and slammed his head with the locker door a few times and took all of my stuff back. Can you believe that jerk?

I wish Rock N Roll today in 2009 didn't suck like it does right now. There is no one to idolize anymore. Except for a few of the bands from the 80s that are still around, but no one new. I wish we would have a rebirth, maybe in 2010 we could have 1980 start over again. You know, make Hollywood the Mecca, and only the strong survive. I wanna have a few amazing bands come to life that everyone tries to copy. There are very few bands that I will stand behind right now, Trivium being one of them. Black Label Society would be another one, but really the Genesis for that band began in the early 90s. They are still, however, one of the few bands that don't suck. One of my favorite, Velvet Revolver, doesn't have a singer now, or maybe they do I don't know. So who knows what will happen with them. That brings me back to my original point. We need a resurgence of bands like Motley Crue, Guns N' Roses, Van Halen (w/DLR), you get my drift, right? People say that the Grunge movement killed off the great "Hair Metal" from the 80s, and look how long that shit lasted. Of the 4 bands that really ushered Grunge in, look where they are now. Nirvana - Gone, but spawned the power ballad loving Foo Fighters. Soundgarden - Gone. Alice in Chains - Trying to make a comeback minus the late Layne Staley. Pearl Jam - No longer even relevant, now just a caricature of itself. I want Sex, Drugs, and Rock N Roll in my rock N Roll. Is that too much to ask? Long live Motley Crue and Metallica, 2 bands that got started in the early 80s and have stood the test of time. Both in longevity and musical quality.

• Hey dickheads with cell phones, can you put them away while you're driving, please? I don't want to be killed by your carelessness. You miserable cocksuckers.
• You know one time when I was in college and I was working at the dealership for my internship, my Lead Tech and I were replacing some valve cover gaskets on a car and he had trouble tightening a bolt. After he was done he said "You better be tight bitch!" I found that particular phrase amusing. You better be tight bitch. That works in so many other situations. Of course it's hard to find a tight Vuh J J when you have a tiny dick.
• Does your asshole ever itch? I'm serious, your rusty brown ring, Does it ever itch? Mine does 2, 3 times a week. And I feel weird scratching it because it's my asshole. I feel like I'm trying to finger myself. And it always itches when I'm in a public setting. Rarely at home. You can't be hanging out at a bar with your friends while you have your hand down the back of your pants, scratching your asshole.

OK, enough of this depressing bullshit. How about another "Kirk" story? Alright so one time we went to Crown and got sloppy drunk. I know that doesn't narrow it down too well. Anyways, we leave and I'm driving. For some reason I decide to take the long way to Kirk's house. We were probably listening to BLS or Trivium or something like that. So I turn down a side road and we're just rolling through a residential neighborhood, when I notice familiar headlights approaching from behind me. I freak out. I ask Kirk if it looked like Crown Victoria headlights. His response was "I don't know man, my eyes are too blurry, I can't see straight." Thanks! You're a lot of help man. So I'm like "Watch this shit" and I pulled into a random driveway. The car passed and it was a Statey! HA! Fuck him. But Kirk had the idea that if he drove back by and saw us both still in the car he might get suspicious. So we got out and ran behind the house to watch for the Statey to come back by. We also decided to relieve ourselves while we were back there. Then all of a sudden we hear a dog barking crazily, Kirk freaks out and I go back to my car. It was the owner of the house and he was pissed. He was shouting all kinds of profanity at me and his dog was going berserk. I got in my car to leave but Kirk was nowhere to be found. I called for him and left. I told the owner I must have had the wrong house. But I was gone. I went down the road and pulled over to call Kirk. I asked him where he was and he said he didn't know. I told him I was in the street and to come find me so we could get the fuck out of there before the owner called the Cops. That was a crazy time. We went from dodging one bullet to almost getting hit by another.

All of my stories are true, I don't fabricate anything. It's funnier if it's true. Like my chainsaw story, it's a good one too.

Me on My Soapbox

Why are there always lines at Wal-Mart? Any time of day. ANY time of day! I have gone there at 2, 3 in the morning piss drunk to buy some food to eat and there are still long lines. To me this is crazy. It looks like amusement part ride lines. Except when you get to the head of the line, there is no roller coaster. Just a semi-retarded fuck face working a cash register. Kind of like when you're at Speedway.

Now I'm not trying to put these people down by saying I'm better than them, but I am. Obviously these people may not have had the best options to go with in life, but most of them never tried. And don't give me that "You grew up in a better environment" bullshit. I've heard it all. Everything I have, I've worked for. My car, a nice paying job, all of my guitars, everything. I have never given up, even when I wanted to. So yeah, I am better than them. In life there is always a pecking order, and you should never settle for the bottom of it. You say 'Can't', I hear 'Don't want to'. If you look at people who are given everything and think that is the only way to get what you want, then maybe you deserve to be giving me my change when I'm filling up my new car. You must Refuse to bow down.

Maybe that is a harsh, or wry, or even maybe a biased point of view, but how many athletes or musicians had nothing as children and held onto their dreams and made something great of themselves? And those are the one in a million shots. What about the people who had nothing and simply worked hard? You never hear about it in that case, but it happens. They just aren't publicized. So what I'm saying is, if a random person can rise up from a community of poverty to become one of the world's greatest athlete or an award winning musician, you have no right to blame your unfortunate situation on anyone but yourself. You don't even have to set your goals as high as musician or athlete, what about saying, "Hey, I want my education and a decent job, and a life where I don't depend on other people for EVERYTHING." It's a lot easier to succeed if you just fucking try.

Now I almost feel bad, maybe a little guilty. Like I'm sort of being an elitist. But if you think about it, honestly, am I wrong? Just look at all the assholes that have every opportunity to make something of themselves, the ones who have people in their lives that would bend over backwards to help them succeed, yet they do nothing. They'd rather b nothing or become nothing simply because it's easier. Why work when you can be a worthless piece of shit and blame other people? It starts with yourself. The only limitations you have are the ones you put on yourself.

Have you ever noticed that when you fart in the shower, it always smells horrible? Why is that? Of course we know it sounds 9 times as worse than it really is because we have water in our ass cracks. But the smell, that's about the only time we can't stand our own farts. It's your own fart, but you're gagging. Why is that?

Recently I have quit biting my fingernails (toe nails are still fair game) (just joking). But for real it's been about 8 days now and I have never wanted to bite my nails more than I want to do right now. I have no idea why. The more white at the end of my nails that I see, the more I want to bit them. It drives me nuts, it's like they're taunting me.

That reminds me of another joke. A pirate walks into a restaurant and the hostess notices he has a steering wheel stuck to his crotch. So she takes him to a table with plenty of room.When they get to the table he says, "This is an awfully big table." And she says, "Yes, well I noticed the steering wheel sticking out of your crotch." He goes "Aye it drives me nuts!"

Ahhh, butt jokes are great, aren't they?

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My Own Top 10 List

The following is a Top 10 list of people we can do without.

1. Emeril Lagasse - BAM! No man should ever be named Emeril.
2. Tom Cruise - I think we've all gotten our fill of this guy. Especially Katie Holmes.
3. Donald Trump - I don't think I have to explain this one.
4. Ann Coulter - Have you ever heard the things this soulless cunt says?
5. People who name their children after objects - This is a terrible thing to do to a child.
6. Dennis Rodman - Is it me or does he remind you of a black Tommy Lee too?
7. Ringo Starr - You will never be Paul, John, or George. Go the fuck away.
8. Pro-Lifers - The ones that kill doctors. I thought they were Pro-Life?
9. Amy Fisher - No matter how good you think you look, your sex tape sucked. So do you.
10. Courtney Love - She might have had Kurt Cobain killed. 'Nuff said.

Honorable Mention:

• Dallas Cowboys - You either are a fan or you hate them. I'm not a fan.
• Kevin Federline - Because I know no one would disagree with this one.
• Fall Out Boy - Not only does their music suck, but Pete Wentz knocked up Ashlee Simpson before I could.

Helpful Advice

I've always been a big proponent of not fucking with strangers. You never know who you're gonna mess with. Some guy might look like a dorky little pip squeak, but he may know martial arts or have a damn gun. Or maybe the person is having a real shitty day and your bullshit is the one thing that pushes them into a blind rage. Now if you're in an automobile and they aren't, that's a different story because you can get away. So if you wanna roll up to a black guy that's walking down the sidewalk and call him a dirty, lazy, spearchucker, that's fine. Just be prepared to get an ass whipping if your piece of shit car breaks down on you half a block down the road.

Here is an example of what I mean up above. One day my brother is driving home from work and he's rolling down a quiet residential street and he comes across 3 black guys in school uniforms, not these thug gangsta looking dudes you see all the time. Anyways, he slows down as he passes them. Slow enough that they notice and look at him. After they all look over at him, he reaches over and manually locks his car door so they can see him. Then he drives off. Yeah, you believe that shit? He was just fucking with them because he was white and they were black. Like he should be worried that they might carjack him just because they're black and he is white. But, he was able to drive away so nothing came of it. Now had he sped away and hit another car, and the black guys caught up to him, and dragged him out of his car and slapped him around a bit, that would be OK too. Fuck him for fucking with strangers.

Ever got into an argument with someone that almost escalates into a fist fight, and the other person has eye glasses or sun glasses on and they give you this bullshit, "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses would ya?" You know what I say to these shit eating cretins? I say "Yes I would. I don't give a fuck that you have glasses because I'm going to punch you in the mouth." And I think they get the point after that.

Daddy Dearest

OK, I mentioned my mom and brother, so don't think I'm letting dear old dad off the hook just yet. So, we all know the Jewish expression "Oy Vay" right? I know you're familiar with it, you hear Jews say it all the time. Well there was a time when my dad listened to Howard Stern a lot, and as we all know Howard is half Jewish. Well sometimes Howard says Oy Vay, because he's Jewish. After a while my dad started saying it all the time too. Actually he said "Aye Vay". Which as you can imagine is twice as annoying. My dad would say Aye Vay. And I wanted to grab him y his shirt collar and say "Look motherfucker, it's Oy Vay, not Aye Vay. Besides you aren't even Jewish, you're Catholic! Stop it before I really lose control." That wouldn't have went over too well though. So I just sat there in quiet contemplation of what I wanted to do. Yeah, I guess it's probably better that way.

Ever heard anyone say 'irregardless'? And something about that word just doesn't sound right? That's because it's not a fucking word! It isn't, look it up. It's a double negative for crying out loud. Even if it was a word, the people that use it wouldn't be using it the right way anyway. So I have a proposal for of these dipshits. Every time they say this word, someone should cut a small piece of their tongue off. Just as a friendly reminder. I know that sounds harsh, but some people don't understand a slap on the wrist. But pain and suffering is easy to understand.

Me and My Brother

I remember when I was a kid, one time my brother and I were hanging out on the back patio, and I was standing on a picnic table bench so I could see over the privacy fence. Well, my brother was walking by so I grabbed my his head and shoved his face into my ass and farted. That's what he gets for stabbing me in the arm with a pencil one time. Hey, no one is allowed to fuck with my brother except for me. I can do that shit.

You know, come to think of it. He stabbed me with the pencil because I had my hands around his neck, singing into his head like a microphone. Maybe I deserved it.

Mother Knows Best

Here is something that my mother used to say to me when I did something stupid, "Why don't you use your head for something other than growing hair out of?" Simple right? Makes you think about what you did wrong. I can not tell you how enraged that would make me feel. It's not like it was meant as a mean insult. But that made me want to choke people. Not only did I just do something dumb, but I was getting shit for it too. For some reason, of all the things my mom said to me, that would really piss me off. I wanted to say to her, " Here, hoe about I headbutt you in your goddamn nose!" That would be a good use of my head. I could never do or say that to my mom though. That always pissed me off. I would rank that up there with the time she threw my VanHalen 1984 cassette at me, and when I ducked it, it hit the wall and fucked the tape up. That really sucked. And my feelings are still hurt by that.

Now, another thing we all have in common is when driving to a store that's in a strip mall sort of environment, we have to let people walk in front of us. So they can get from the stores to their cars in the parking lot. I think this aggravates a lot of people. You have to drive & stop, drive & stop, let some people cross, drive and stop. I on the other hand enjoy letting people past. Especially the women. I'm not doing it to be courteous either. I'm checking out their asses. If I have my windows up I holler at them too. Not with my windows, just when they're up. i don't want them to hear me, they might realize how big of a creep I really am. I just want to admire them from afar. Hey it could be worse. I'm not beating off in my car or anything.

OK, here is another gripe for you. My "Kirk" stories have me on the grocery store topics now. Have you ever been looking for a parking spot, and you find one, but as you whip into the spot you realize it's part of the cart corral. That pisses me off to no end. How about you? One of these days I'd like to see someone park there anyway. Just leave the back half of their car sticking out. Especially if it was a truck. I'd throw my cart in the bed of it. No one is going to out smart ass me.

Also, have you seen some of the cretins that work at grocery stores? Some of these folks should not be involved in the food business at all. Although if you positioned them on the ice cream aisle it may deter people from buying ice cream when they don't need it. Like someone smokes 8 bong hits and they can't stop thinking about ice cream. But then I bet the ice cream company assholes would get mad at that. Anyways, these people are probably lucky to be working at all. They aren't severely retarded I guess. My brother worked for a local grocery store for about a day and a half. I was like, "Way to stick with it there numb nuts", but now I'm happy for him. I guess he took a step in the right direction. But he's still a peckerhead. Basically to be honest with you, at this point, I don't know what I'm saying. I'm not sure what the point is that I'm trying to make.

More Grocery Store Shenanigans

Since I'm in the mood now, let me tell you about another Kroger related adventure that Kirk and I had. Same setting, we got piss drunk at Applebees and we were looking for some alcohol. We were checking out the Pucker selection when we decided to taste test the different flavors. After trying them all we decided to go shopping while we passed the bottle of Apple Pucker back and forth drinking it through the store. When we got to the register, Kirk put the bottle on the counter and actually had the balls to ask the cashier, "Since the bottle is half empty can I get it half priced?" The poor guy didn't know what to say. It was great. The next time we went in they had special caps on all of the bottle so we couldn't open them up. Ahh, those pricks.

Shopping Cart Story

OK, OK, the shopping cart story. Once upon a time a very good friend of mine, we'll call him "Kirk" and I went to one of our favorite watering holes, Applebees. We could go get loaded at the 1/2 price happy hour. Often times we'd go to Kroger's afterward to but some beer and steaks. This particular time, while at Applebees, my zipper broke. Yes, the one on my jeans. So anyways, we are at Kroger checking out the steaks and such when I realized that the fillet of Mignon steaks wrapped in bacon would fit though my wide open zipper hole. I slid one through and it dropped down my left pant leg into my boot. Yay it worked. I did it again with my right pant leg, again it worked. So I was off to buy beer. Unbeknownst to me, Kirk took a salmon fillet and wrapped it in a Muscle Fitness magazine and put it down his pants. We ended up buying beer and leaving. We get to my car all happy and shit. To complete our crime spree, as we leave I tell Kirk to reach out of my car and grab a shopping cart. I was gonna drive full speed across the parking lot and he was gonna let it go into a car. He chickened out but didn't want to let go of the cart. So we drove home with him hanging out of my car hanging on to the cart. There were sparks flying off of the wheels and shit, it was great. At the end of our evening we leave it in his living room and I go home.

The 2 best parts of the story is this:

1. Both of his room mates worked with us and the next day at work one of them, we'll call him "T.J." comes up to me and says " I assume you can explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room?" I acted all aloof like "what, I can't believe you think I had something to do with that." But he knew.
2. The other thing is his other room mate "Max" got a DUI the week prior when the 3 of us left a bar. The Cop saw all 3 of us pull out at the same time and flipped around to follow us. Max was the first one to slip up. He rolled through a right turn on red. The Cop went left of center around Kirk and pulled Max over. Right in front of his front door. He was so pissed when he found out we drove home drunk with stolen meat in our pockets and with a shopping cart hanging out of my car. Not because it was stupid, but because we didn't get caught and he did. True Story.

Religion

Why are there so many religions? It seems to me that if religion was a purposeful thing, then we'd only have 1 religion. Now don't get me wrong, I believe in God, or at least A God. But I think if there was only one religion, there'd be a lot less problems in the world. Not fewer than if there were no religion, but hey, baby steps people, baby steps.

When I mentioned the stealing of the shopping cart earlier, that was a true story by the way. Just thought I'd clear that up for you. What's that? You want to hear the story? Well, maybe some other time.

Random Thoughts

• You know the phrase "Hindsight is 20/20"? Well I think it should be Hindsight is 50/50. Because sometimes you do stupid shit and learn from it sometimes you don't. 50/50
• Ahhh the almighty caffeine. You know, people say that heroin is the most addictive drug, well I say bullshit. Its caffeine. Heroin is probably the worse one to get hooked on, but caffeine is the most addictive. I'm always right, I know what I'm talking about here.
• Although I have never seen anyone offering to suck a dick for a can of Mountain Dew. But that would be cool. I'd carry a 12 pack with me everywhere I went.
• So maybe I was wrong about caffeine being the most addictive drug. Don't get used to it, that doesn't happen often.

When I mentioned the man with the live chicken earlier, do you think he had his penis in it's butt hole or it's egg chute? Or are they part of the same plumbing? That whole debacle really has me confused. How does a full sized man have sex with a live chicken? No one should ever have to ask that question.

Correction

OK gang, I have a correction to make regarding the oral sodomy rant from earlier. I hear that sodomy isn't necessarily specific to the anus. It can refer to sticking anything unwanted into any one's orifices. Which is still stupid. I could walk up to you while you were talking and put my finger in your mouth. That would be oral sodomy. I stuck my finger in your mouth, hence, I orally sodomized you. See you in court asshole.

The State of Pornography

Here is something that I find disturbing. Pornography! And don't get me wrong, I'm not against it. I don't have a problem with it, in and of itself. But we do have some really fucked up porno out there these days. And that is where my real gripe comes in. I don't see anything wrong 2 people having sex on film for other people's enjoyment, that's just fine. However, the stuff that goes way beyond that is very disturbing. There are these very sick bukkake films, anal gang bangs, choking, simulated rape, people pissing all over each other, and shitting, and puking. Yeah, that's right, people shitting on each other, eating the shit, smearing the shit all over themselves. How? HOW?! How could anyone find this hot or attractive in any way, shape or form? And the puking, you see this a lot with the Asians, but none the less it is still gross. Just like the shitting, how could anyone get off on this? There is a large group of people who were told sex was bad or taboo as children, and when they discovered pornography, a whole world where it certainly was not bad or taboo, they became waaay to involved with the shit. After a while the traditional pron wouldn't satisfy them, so they needed more unusual shit. Midgets weren't enough. Neither was pregnant women with shaved heads. Women fucking dogs and horses, men fucking pigs, goats, sheep, and cows. I once saw a guy, on the Internet, fucking a live chicken. Yeah a LIVE CHICKEN. I didn't eve think that was possible. These sick fucks need more and more, the more perverted, twisted or bizarre the better for these individuals. This is crazy, no one should need this. Now, I'll admit I have witnessed a lot of this stuff on the Internet, but I never went looking for it, and I most certainly never needed to use it for jerk-off fodder. I don't think I could even get erect with this shit. Now, the really scary part is I only see this getting worse. Much, much, much worse. One of the last few really fucked up things I saw was this: A girl is on her back with her knees pulled up to her chest. And she has some device in her ass keeping her asshole open. OK? You still reading? So some guy dumps what looks like 2 spoonfuls of what looks like strawberry milk mix into her ass cavern. Then proceeds to pour milk into her ass. Still reading? Next she gets up and hops around shaking her ass. She is essentially mixing up the milk and milk mix. Still with me? OK, so she squats down over a glass and shits the strawberry milk out into the glass. If you haven't quit reading yet then her goes, after she fills the glass she smells it, and with a sly, sexy grin she begins to drink the ass concoction. What the fuck people?! Do people really enjoy this shit? See why I am scared for the future? Where do we go from here? I'll tell you where. To Hell. We are all going to hell for allowing this to happen. There is no way anyone could or would have any mercy on our souls for this. Pack your bags guys, I'll see you there.

Haiku for You

Here are my balls
Enjoy them I know you will
Be fond of those two

The above has been a haiku. That is a short poem of 3 lines having a total of 17 syllables. They are broken down into 3 lines in a 5/7/5 format.

Remember the good old days of name calling? When you were a kid? You could call a guy with a shaved head skee-ball. Not anymore. You use stuff like that now and the kids will laugh at you while they beat the shit out of you. And I do mean THEY. No one ever fights one on one anymore. No one like to use their hands either. Everybody wants to use weapons. Well fuck you skee-ball, give me a "fair fight", something no one is familiar with these days, and one of us will be walking away. Guess what? It won't be you. And on a side note, that goes double for you stinky motherfuckers that refuse to wash. I'll beat your ass with a bar of soap. Take a bath asshole.

You know how you deal with a person like that? You have a friend or a family member that won't take a hint? Perhaps a co-worker or even just some asshole you encounter on a regular basis? You pour sand on that cocksucker. Guarantee you they will shower after that. No one can walk around with sand in their hair and ears. Wait until it makes it's way into their pants. Whoa! Once it's in their ass crack or crotch, they will take a goddamn shower. They might not completely remove the stink, but hey it's a start.

I'm Going Grocery Shopping

Ever stole a shopping cart from a grocery store? There really is no need for it, but it sure is fun, isn't it? Actually the best part is leaving it in your buddy's living room once you've stolen it. Hey what am I gonna do with a fucking shopping cart? Let that dickhead figure it out.

You know what I like to do? I like to walk up and down the aisle in a grocery store and pull all of the coupons out of the little coupon dispensing machines. I collect them all and then I find a place for them. They might think its a treasure of coupons. They may be having a shitty day and that could be their silver lining. Y'see? I'm always trying to help other people.

People Suck

Don't you hate it when you're driving your car in adverse weather conditions, and you have a passenger that wants to talk to you and distract your attention from the road? I hate that, don't you? You just wanna throw them in the trunk and drive full speed in reverse into a wall and hope you're in a Pinto. Teach them a goddamn lesson for sure.

Don't you hate when someone you know, or someone near you has a creepy voice? You aren't sure why or what it is about his voice, you just know its creepy. And you wanna rip his throat out. And as you stand over them as they lay on the ground you wanna say "Talk now you creepy motherfucker!" Then take the shit you have in your hand and punt it. Fuck them, that's the least of their poblems at that point.

Don't Break the Rules

It's ok to bend the rules a little. As long as you can straigten them back out when you're done.

Unless you're in the United States Government. In that case you can just violate other people's rights and make shit up as you go along.

Don't you think there are exceptions to every rule? I know there is. But that's rules, not laws. That may be a different story. Like I can't find a justifiable reason to whip out your dick and piss on the sidewalk. That would be against the law, but you can kill somebody. Sure you can, if it's in self defense, or if someone is in imminent danger. You can kill someone. Isn't that odd? There is an exception or 2 to the 'No Killing' law, but not the law about pissing on the side walk?

Name Game

I wonder how musicians come up with their stage names? I think it would be fun. Doesn't Mike Steele sound cool? Or you know what would be sweet? Michael Corleone! You know, Al Pacino's character from the Godfather. Maybe just Mike Leone, as a homage rather than just ripping off the name all together. Mike Corleone might be acceptable then too. Although the best name ever may just be Nikki Skywalker. I think you'd have to bow down to anyone with a name like that. Or at least that is what I could sign into the hotel with when I'm out on tour.

Hows come when a black comedian makes fun of white people in his act it's OK? But if a white comedian says nigger in his routine he is considered a racist?

Here is another racial issue for you. Slavery. That's right and I say Fuck 'Em. Why do I have to give a shit? Because I don't. My family came to America in the 1920s or the teens I believe. That was a while after slavery, so we had nothing to do with it. So fuck 'em, give them reparations if you want, but ain't shit coming from me. Why should I feel guilty just because I'm white? Do you think my great-great-grandparents, when they got here from Czechoslovakia, were treated like they belonged right away? No money, probably not a strong grasp on the English language, having to change their name so it was Americanized. Where is my motherfucking sympathy? There isn't any. So I will not give any. And I'm just fine with that, I will not lose any sleep over this. Period. End of fucking story.

Well it looks like I'm back on the topic of suicide. I think about suicide a lot. Not committing it, just the act of doing so. And I have found justifiable reasons for doing it. Even though, once again, I DO NOT condone it. If you are going to be taken hostage and mercilessly beaten or tortured eventually to death, then I feel it is OK to kill yourself in order to avoid that. The other reason I can think of is to save another life or lives. If you doing something that results in your death, but keeps other people living, then go ahead. That won't bother me quite as much.

Have you ever been reading something and saw the phrase 'as much' and thought it said 'ass munch'? I do that all the time.

Here's a suicide joke for ya: I was so depressed the other day I climbed to the roof of a 14 story building and jumped off. The trouble was that I landed on the roof of a 13 story building. All I did was knock myself out and piss my pants in the process. So I got arrested for trespassing and public urination.

Wow, now that I read that I see that it wasn't quite as funny as it sounded in my head.

OK, hows come in cases where someone is raped, molested, or sexually assaulted in anyway, they say they were fondled? Or someone will refer to it as fondling. The definition of fondle is to "touch lovingly". I would think that if someone fondled me it would be a good thing. I sure wouldn't take someone to court over it. picture this, I go to the police station, and tell the police that I got drunk and someone touched me lovingly. They'd probably threaten to beat the shit out of me if I didn't stop wasting their time. All I'm saying is we need to use our words with the appropriate definition in mind.

Like the word literally. People literally through that word around for shit they don't literally mean. That previous sentence was an example of both an incorrect use of literal and a correct use as well. Please put litter in it's place.

Advice for the Ladies

Hey ladies, if you're in bed with a guy and he finishes quickly, it's not necessarily a bad thing. OK? Lots of guys are worried that the women they're with are too good for them, so they may be exceptionally attracted to you. You are so hot to them that can not control themselves.That should be the highest form of compliment you could receive. Of course there are exceptions to that rule. Just don't be a bitch about it.

Random Shit

• Ever wanted to beat the shit out of a minority just because they were a minority? Uh, me neither, just asking.

• I don't want to be, a parody of me.

• I recently got a new car, and where my desk is at work, I have a window. So I like to park my car where I can see it from my desk. And during the day, just for fun, I like to hit the lock button on my key fob just so I can see the running lights flash on my car.

Ever heard of a 'Speed Ball'? Apparently it's the combination of doing coke and heroin at the same time somehow. Well I have come up with my own concoction. I call it a 'Knuckle Ball'. Instead of heroin, you smoke weed, and instead of coke you drink a ton of energy drinks. Kind of the same effect only my way isn't as harmful, but probably isn't quite as euphoric either. So there's a little give and take involved I guess.

OK, this is a stunning fact. Remember when everyone drank Mountain Dew because it was high in caffeine, you know, everybody thought it was the best. "Yeah it wakes me up in the morning!" Well your 12oz con of Dew only contains 54mg of caffeine. That is piddly shit compared to energy drinks. But of course you probably already knew the energy drinks would have more. How much more is the real question.Your average can of Rockstar has 10mg per ounce. So if you break down that can of Dew you're only looking at 4.5mg per ounce. The Rockstar is more than double that! Plus with all of the Taurine and Guarana, and all the other bullshit, it's probably eating a hole in the lining of my stomach. Unfortunately I love the shit and can't get enough of it sometimes.

Okay, here is something that makes no sense. The word sodomy means unlawful penetration of the anus, your ass. If I sodomize you I am sticking something up your ass. Now the word oral means relating to the mouth. OK? Are we on the same page here? Now if I force you to blow me, the legal system would refer to that as " forced oral sodomy". It seems to me that oral sodomy would be if I stuck my tongue up your ass. Suppose you bend over, I sneak up on you and rip your pants off. Then I just ram my tongue up your ass. That's forced oral sodomy. Making some one blow you against their will is not forced oral sodomy. Making someone blow you against their will is just plain fucking hot.

Here is a Short Poem for You

She seemed kinda tall

But she looked like she had it all

As she took my hand

She said, I hope you understand

I'm really a man

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Here is something else that's pissing me off. All of these dumbass colors we use these days. What happened to all of the color names we used when I was a child? Has our euphemistic language problem become so bad that colors have been affected? There's Canary Yellow, Chocolate Brown, Money Green, and Pitch Black. Pitch Black? That one pisses me off the most. Black is black. What the fuck is pitch black? The corporate marketing assholes have found a way to ruin colors now too. It's sad. There are more examples than the 4 I've given you here, but I refuse to mention them because I don't recognize them as real colors. This is America and my flag is still Red, White, and Blue. Basic and original colors. Not Rose Red, Navajo White, and Deep Sea Blue. Red, White, and Blue, Motherfucker.

I used to wonder why women were so big into shoes. They love their shoes. Then I realised that I had amassed quite a large collection of footwear myself. Shoes are cool. I like shoes too. Leave women alone with this one. As long as they wear the many pairs of shoes don't complain. Now for you black guys that buy shoes, leave 'em in the boxes and never wear them, what the fuck?!?! If you have that much extra cash do something decent with it.Honestly that is a waste of fucking money. You should probably spend some of that money putting food on the table for your many bastard children.

Do you think that when Tommy Lee went to prison, the other inmates were afraid of getting fucked in the ass by him since he has such a ginormous schwantz?

Here is a term I like to use, but is considered unacceptable. Colored. In reference to a black person I suppose, yes. But what's offensive about it? You might say " That Denzel Washington seems like a nice fella." I don't see anything offensive about that. In fact the only thing I see wrong with it is based on the definition of the word itself. If you think about it, we're all colored, We're just colored differently.

More Random Shit

Why is it called a 'pair of pants'? It's only one item. If you go into a dressing room to try on a 'pair of pants' it's only considered one garment. I think if they're going to call it a 'pair of pants' then they ought to hang a little card with a 2 on it on the door while you're in the dressing room.

Here is a nice way to refer to a butt: Doo Doo Port. Huh? You go up to a girl and say " Hey, that's a nice Doo Doo Port you got there, honey." I think she'd pretty much have to go home with you after that. I've also heard of a butt being referred to as a 'Turd Cutter', but that sounds a little too crass for my taste.