Man, sometimes my wallet makes my ass hurt.

Deep in the Heart of Texas

And Fuck teams from Texas too. Houston, Dallas, San Antonio, Austin, pro, college, it doesn't matter. They say everything is bigger in Texas? Fine, then if people from New York are assholes, people from Texas are even bigger assholes. Can you deal with that? Ooops, I don't care.

Back on Baseball

Man I can't stress enough how gay baseball is. And I played baseball for a few years, so I can talk some shit about it. I think it would be cool if the New York Giants beat the shit out of the New York Yankees with baseball bats. I think the Yankees are one of the biggest reasons I despise baseball. I pretty much dislike all teams from New York, especially teams from New York that play in New Jersey. What kind of bullshit is that? Would it make since if the Cincinnati Bengals played home games in Springfield, Indiana? No. So fuck teams from New York, except for the Rangers. My good old New York Rangers. But other than them, fuck New York. Hey do you remember when that pitcher from the Yank-Mes flew a plane into a building by accident a few years ago? What was his name? Cory Lidle or Scott Lidle? Some shit like that. Anyway, I remember hearing in the news that a Yankee had hit a building while flying his plane across New York. I immediately knew it wasn't Gay-Rod when I heard this. You know how I knew? It was October. A-Rod doesn't hit anything in October!!

OCD

I think I am slowly developing some OCD patterns. When I go to my girlfriends I have to park in the same spot, when I take a leak at work, it's always the same urinal. If I get gas for my car, it's the same pump at the same gas station. There are other more subtle things I notice from time to time, but as long as I don't have to tie my shoes 8 times before I leave the house, or get to the point where I scrub my hands raw when I wash them, I'll be OK. Basically I don't want to be like that MONK asshole on TV.

Let's Talk About Music

• How was it that of all the instruments you can play, the guitar became the coolest? I'm sure there is a Zakk Wylde equivalent for the Accordion players. I guess it doesn't matter as long as I'm a guitar player and I look cool doing it.
• Fuck rap and fuck rappers. They don't play instruments. They just say nursery rhymes or poems in a rhythmic manner over a simple beat. I could write a rap record. Fuck those niggaz on the souff side.
• And on the subject of rap, why aren't these guys shooting each other anymore? I was hoping they'd all kill each other off and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. The least they could do is kill off all of the wiggers. Aren't they just the goofiest kind of motherfucker you could ever encounter? Some dorky white guy walking around all tough wants me to think he's a bad mothafucka because he is wearing FUBU. Or this white guy walking around like he has a bum leg or has syphilis or something with his clothes 4 sizes too big. I just wanna walk up to these guys and say " Yo yo, wigga you ain't no nigga!" Then pull out some razor wire and choke the jackass to death. And since I'm using razor wire I could keep tightening it until I cut his head off. Then go bowling with it. Chris Rock said that black people hate niggers, well I say white people hate wiggers. So go represent somewhere else you stupid ass wanna be's.

Did you know that a Ground Hog and a Wood Chuck were the same thing? It depends on what part of the country you are in I guess. I guess I never thought of that.

Fall or Autumn

OK, enough of me up on my soap box. You know what? I wish it was fall, my favorite time of year. I love it. Fall. Football season as I like to call it. I call it either Fall or Football season. Not Autumn. I'm a man and I'm not allowed to call it Autumn. But I sure do love Fall. Not just because my 2 favorite holidays, Thanksgiving and my birthday, are during the fall. But because I love the weather. I love the colors of the leaves on the trees. I love driving around with the heater on and my windows down, not a care in the world. Fall is the best time of year.

The Internet?

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L Words Revisited

Remember from an earlier blog posting I was bitching about people leaving the "L" out of words? I mentioned Volkswagen and Palmer. Here is another, Helmsley. Like Triple H from the WWE, his name is Hunter Hearst Helmsley or Leona Helmsley. People pronounce it Hemsley. Again this annoys the shit out of me. It's Helmsley not Hemsley.

Dreaming

OK, here is a problem I have. My dreams, that's right, my dreams. Sometimes they are sooo vivid that I have trouble convincing myself they were just dreams. And the weird thing is that no matter how vivid or realistic my dream was, there is always a key part that I have trouble remembering. So I spend the whole day trying to remember, or trying to figure out what the dream meant. Or sometimes I'll have a dream that only lasts a few seconds, but I remember having a dream. I can't remember what happened in the dream but I know I had one. then one day something will happen that reminds me of the dream, and I realize that what just happened was what the dream was about. Almost like, and I know this sounds crazy, I'm seeing the future. The only thing is, I don't know I'm seeing the future until it becomes the present. I know it sounds freaky. Sometimes I have dreams that I am a secret agent, but those are easy to recover from. Other times I have dreams that involve real life scenarios, with people in my life. Those are the ones that really fuck with me. There will even be people that i know by face, but I don't know their name, people from work, friends, family, you name it. Like this dream I had the other night. I went to a Trivium concert. Well that is something that isn't just possible, but I actually did that the week prior. And my woman was there, my dad was in the dream too. even some girl from work. Sal from the Howard Stern show, the firefighters from a movie I had just watched. Everything felt like it was really happening. Even my emotions when I woke up were affected. And I'm not sure whether I was upset at what happened in the dream, or that the dream was simply just a dream. And when I say my emotions were affected, I don't mean while I was asleep. For the first hour or two that I was awake the dream still felt real. And I think part of me wanted t to be too. Am I just nuts or does this happen to other people too? I'm not sure and that kinda scares me.

Collection of Thoughts

Here is a piece of advice for you; Don't ever drink a 1/3 bottle of Robitussin before you go to bed. You will get a good night of sleep, but it makes it extremely hard to get up in the morning and function. It may be a few hours before your eyelids don't feel heavy anymore.

You know what sucks? Have you ever been in the unfortunate situation where you had to shit, and the only thing available was a Port-A-Potie? And it's one where there is a shitter and a little urinal on the left side, but someone has pissed on the toilet seat? That is so aggravating. What's worse is if its an emergency and you don't see the piss and you sit in it. People are retarded if they can't make it in the damn bowl.

Hands down, these are the 3 best music videos, ever. EVER.

1. 'Sledgehammer' by Peter Gabriel, it was spectacular and very ground breaking for it's time.
2. 'November Rain' by Guns N' Roses, what an epic! Basically a mini movie set to the music of Guns N' Roses.
3. 'Basket Case' by Green Day, coming in at a distant 3rd is Basket Case. The way they did the color in that video was amazing. They shot it in black and white then used CGI to add the color.

So there you go. If you disagree, give me your top 3, and I'll take that into consideration, but you can still go fuck yourself.

Greetings from Death Row

If I was on Death Row and I had a last meal, you know what I would get? I would get a meal of something that makes your feces smell terrible. Like maybe a whole meal from White Castle. Basically anything that will make my poop smell as horrible as possible, because just before they put me to death I want to shit myself and gross out as many people as possible. Let them strap me to the table for my lethal injection, then unleash hell. Or once I'm strapped into the electric chair pull out all the stops. Can you imagine that? Getting fried with my pants full of shit. That smell would be horrible. And my last words would be "I got doodies!" Just say that over and over again, in a retarded sounding voice.

Stupid Clothing

Don't you find it a little retarded when you see obese people wearing athletic clothing? Like someone would believe Gigantor over there is really active.

And on a similar subject, clothing, what's up with these white motherfuckers wearing FUBU? You almost never see FUBU anymore, but when you do, it's white guys. What a bunch of moronic pricks. FUBU meant "For Us By Us" I don't think that when they say "US" they meant lame white motherfuckers. Even though some of you white guys think you're black. You're not. Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining. You goofy bastards.

A Killer on the Loose

Hey what if there was a guy that just went around from school to school chopping off the heads of students, or hanging them from makeshift gallows. That was his only M.O., he had to kill students. We could call him the "Educutioner". Huh? Fuck you, that took a lot of thought. No it didn't, but you're just jealous because you didn't think of it and I did.

White Guys Doing Stupid Shit

You know what's funny? When white guys try to do impressions of black comedians. We all sound the same. Doesn't matter who the comedian is, it doesn't matter who the white guy is. It's always the same voice. Pick 5 white guys at random, assign them each one of the following - Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, and Katt Williams, and I guarantee they will all sound the same.

Random Ideas

• You know what I'm not a fan of? Bullshitters. Unless I'm the one doing the bullshitting.
• When people refer to "Adult Beverages" or "Adult Drinks" That really sounds funny to me. Like when I think of an adult drink I see a cocktail in a glass shaped like a dick. Or people drinking Kool-Aide naked. Or drinking through a straw shaped like a penis. Something like that. 'Adult' beverages, that just sounds funny to me.
• You know who used to write some really damn good song lyrics? David Lee Roth. Good ole' DLR. I also miss his whoops and yelps in the middle of his songs. I sure hope VanHalen puts out another record.

Baseball?

Does anyone still think Baseball is the National Past Time? Baseball is soooo boring, even the playoffs suck now. And I think fewer people are watching anymore. No one gives a shit about these over-paid pussies like Gay-Rod, who can't even win a Championship. In October we're all watching Football. And my "we're" I mean real men. Sorry if your mom didn't let you play Football as a child because she was afraid you'd get hurt. So you had to settle for Baseball.The only thing that would improve Baseball would be if everyone got a bat. Hell, I would watch that shit! I wanna see Manny Ramirez go after a pitcher with a Louisville Slugger.

They need to start making all men's room shitters bigger. No more of these small ones. Here's why; At work we have 2 shitter stalls, we have 4 pissers, but only 2 shitters. Well one of the stalls is a handicap stall and the other is regular size. Everybody uses the larger of the 2 if it's open. Here is why I don't like the smaller of the 2. My junk always makes contact with the bowl. How unhygienic is that? If it happens to one person, it happens to many. I don't want my cock slapping up against a germ infested ceramic bowl that 8 other cocks have slapped against.That's just GROSS!

Shocking Revisited

• Can you believe those 2 dudes from earlier? Just blowin' each otherout in the bushes. I am willing to bet that at least one of those 2 dudes has some serious psychological issues due to that. I should have let one of them blow me while the other one worked my nuts. You know, porno style!

• Oh, and if you're wondering why I went along with these 2 guys to play a game that normally takes place in the secrecy of the bushes, my answer is simple. I didn't have many friends. I was hoping to make some new friends. Not friends with benefits. Well, not male friends with benefits anyway. Not that I knew what "benefits" were at the time. I did, however, learn a valuable lesson from the whole ordeal. Self Entertainment. After that I didn't care how many friends I had. I only need one person, ME. I don't need a bunch of friends, I don't need guys blowing me in the bushes. I am fine and dandy, Thank You.

• Too bad there wasn't any girls like that in the neighborhood. Although they might have scared me off just the same, but it would have been a much better story to tell. Much, much better. And less gay. Much less gay.

Fun with Feces

One time I got really drunk and I had to puke. While I was puking I busted a blood vessel in my right eye. I had that red eye shit for like 2 weeks it seemed like.

Also, another time I was inebriated an I tried going to bed, but when I laid down, the room started spinning like I was a pinwheel. So naturally I stumble to the bathroom in nothing but my socks and boxers. I'm on my knees in front of the toilet, waiting, because I know it's coming. I start puking violently and I fart as I'm puking. But it felt like a thick heavy fart. I'm still puking and I fart again, only this time I realize it's not a fart. I shit my pants. It was a big smelly pudding like load. I couldn't even sit down when I was done puking my insides out. I had to figure out how to get my boxers off without getting raw, still warm, shit everywhere.

That was almost as bad as the time I was leaving my buddy "Kirk's" place and as soon as I got in my car it hit me. I had to take a massive dump and I had to take it right now! So I sped home and ran up to my bathroom, and fumbled with the button on my jeans. I whip my pants down and as I'm sitting down on the john I start shitting about 5 inches above the seat. I shot shit all over the place. All over the toilet, the seat, it smeared all over my ass. There was shit in too many places that it shouldn't have been. That was a lot of motherfucking fun to clean up.

Here is a Shocking Piece of Literature for You

Back when I was in either the 2nd or 3rd grade, so I was 7 - 9 years old, me, my mom, and my brother lived in this apartment complex called the Skywae Townhomes or some shit like that. So anyway, there was this tiny patch of grass at the end of the townhomes, and that was the only place for us children to play. Plus the patch of grass had these concrete pieces of tunnel or something to play with, in, or on. Low budget excitement. Now, there were these 2 dudes that were close to my age. I wish I could remember the names of those 2 little homos. One day gay boy 1 comes up to me and asks me if I want to join him and gay boy 2 out it the bushes for a game that they played. I told them that the bushes were further away than I was allowed to go. So me and the ambiguously gay duo headed into one of the concrete tunnel gizmos and I asked what the game was called. They said it was called "Sucking Pickles". Yeah, you believe that shit? That's why I called them gay boy 1 & 2. What I tell you next may shock you. Ok, so they tell me it's called sucking pickles and then they proceed to start blowing one another. Right in front of me. Like I wasn't even there. Taking turns going down on each other. One of them offers me his pecker and asks if I wanna try. I was like "uh, I think I have to go home now, in fact I know I have to go now." And I bolted. Still to this day it's hard to get the image of those 2 knob goblins blowing each other out of my head. I wonder who came in the other one's mouth first?