I will leave you with something sweet today.

This is completely uncalled for, but a lot of fun to watch. No seriously, I find this hilarious. Aren't all stereotypes based off of some truth? Well......here it is. The only thing missing is the fried chicken. He should have a big bucket of Popeye's with him too.

How do you like this shit? They didn't need bailed out. The didn't have to sell out to Fiat. They didn't have to close down a division or two of their companies. Built Ford Tough means a whole lot more now doesn't it? Domestic car manufacturers aren't dead yet.

What is this all about? I think I know this guy.......on second thought maybe I don't. I hope not.

I'm just joking, none of that story below really happened.

Story Time

I've got a story to tell you about. Something that happened just the other day. I was driving to my girlfriends house and some guy was walking his dog. A little Pomeranian or something. You know, one of those little, furry, white, yippy, yappy, faggy dogs. Some how it got away from him. It was too powerful for him to handle. So I slam on my brakes as it runs out into the street in front of me. I don't even come close to hitting it but the owner starts yelling and screaming at me like I did something wrong. Cussing at me, telling me to watch how I'm driving. This really pissed me off, so I get out of my car and ask what the fuck he is talking about. I was driving like I am allowed to, he let his dog run out into the street. I was like "Are you insane?!" So now we're both out in the street yelling at each other as cars are driving by, and he is slowly taking steps backward as he holds onto his dog. I am slowly taking steps forward too. Still yelling at each other. Well he gets to the curb and trips over it and falls backward. He loses his dog again, and I notice this and I step on the leash as his dog starts to run away. I pick up the leash and draw the dog to me and then pick up the shitty little dog. He stands up just glaring at me. I say "Here's your dog, I saved it again." He just snapped back "Give me my fucking dog you fucking animal!" I was in shock! So I said "Oh yeah? Here is an animal!" And I punted the little fucker. I sent that dog yelping through the air. I couldn't believe what I had just done.I just punted a fucking dog onto some one's front lawn. The dude's eyes started to tear up, and he ran after his dog. I ran to my car and got the fuck out of there.

Something I've Noticed

Have you ever noticed that just about every car manufacturer has an SUV that is the Green/Gold combination in color? The top part is green and some part of the bottom is gold. Why is that? Every manufacturer it seems. I think I know why. They're for black people. They like the colors green and gold. Green is the color of money and gold is the color of 'dey teeff.

Laziness

Now onto laziness.OK, have you heard about Gibson's (relatively) new Robot Guitar? The thing tunes itself. That's half the fun, trying to keep the bastard in tune while you're beating on it. Now you don't even have to do that. Also, are you familiar with the One Touch Down power window system? To me its enough that we went from manual windows to power windows, but with the OTD all you have to do is press the window button once and it goes down on its own. That's not the worst part. Now I've heard people bitch because there is no One Touch Up! Where does it end? If holding out a single finger and moving your arm forward for about 4 seconds is too much work for you, then just stay home. It might be too much work for you to drive responsibly as well.

Useless Junk

Can anyone tell me why we have 24 hour porn shops? Or scented toilet paper? I can't go to Best Buy at 4:00am to buy a Motley Crue CD if I want to, but I can go to a porn shop at 4:00am to buy some SheMale porn and 8 dildos if I want to. And it shouldn't matter what your toilet paper smells like, because when you're done using it, it smells like shit anyways! Now this shows our need, as a culture in this society, for useless junk. None of this shit is necessary.

Excessive

Why do we have so many Starbucks? In a country where people are bitching and breaking their balls over gas prices, we still have enough money to buy $5 cups of coffee. I think we could probably eliminate half of these establishments and still not have any trouble finding one. This is a good example of our need, as a culture in this society, for excess. That's not healthy.

The Struggle Continues

Well let's see here now? Ive spent some time ripping on the blacks. Which minority should I offend now? Although if this was my middle school, I would be a minority. Seriously. I remember when the 8th graders got to go to the skating rink as a whole class trip, we were (my friends and I) requesting songs by The Offspring, Weezer, Green Day, all of our favorite shit at the time. When we got back to school the black kids tried to beat us up because we didn't request rap songs. Yeah, no wonder I have a problem with niggers.

Another time we had a school dance and finally THE VERY LAST we got the asshole DJ to play 'Enter Sandman' by Metallica. There was about 10 of us that were digging it, we were head banging and stuff. Then we began to mosh. All of a sudden the black guys were everywhere trying to beat us up again. We were out numbered. Well I got some good punches in. Also one of the other white guys threw a black guy up against the wall and the black guy lost his footing so he fell on the ground. I ran over and started stomping on him. Damn that felt good. The crackers prevailed that time. The black guys thought we were fighting each other. We weren't. No matter how violent the moshing may get we aren't trying to hurt each other. Never under estimate your enemy.

Do you see a pattern developing here?

Also in middle school, my 8th grade year. I had to get a ride home from the bus stop everyday.I only lived about 1/2 mile from the bus stop. My Grandma actually had to give me a ride home. because I had this really cool Miami Dolphins starter jacket and 2 black kids were always trying to steal it from me. One time I engaged them both in fisticuffs at the same time. I beat them both up. That's why I needed a ride home. Everyday after that, whether I had the jacket or not, they and their nigger friends would try to find me and kick the shit out of me.

So maybe I do have some unresolved issues with black people. Maybe I think I'm just goofing around, but deep down inside I mean everything I say about black people or "niggers." But can you blame me? I have never treated anyone different because of their skin color. But I have been fucked with because I was white. So who is racist now? I will just leave you with that question.

Hey, maybe I am a racist. Maybe I am racist TOO. Perhaps racism begets racism. As long as I never act on it, it's not harmful, right?

Michael Phelps

Was this really that big of a deal? C'mon, more people than you think smoke pot. It's harmless. More harmless than alcohol anyway. Fuck what society says, this is a guy that spent most of his life driving towards one goal and probably hasn't taken very much time to enjoy himself. I'd smoke with him.

A Room Full of What the Fuck?!

Isn't this picture great?! I found it on the internet titled 'A Room Full of What the Fuck?!' If you notice there is a very tiny person on the couch watching. I think he is the most disturbing part of this picture. Click on the pic to see it bigger.

What is this all about?

Hear and Their

Have you ever been so high that you were paralyzed from the waist down? Yeah me neither, I was just checking.

Now that I drive a white Ford Crown Victoria, I like to tailgate people at night. Pretend like I'm running their license plates. It's pretty fun. I watch my speedo and I don't go a single mph over the speed limit. I think i need to install a bike rack now.

It it just me or does anyone else ind Lois Griffin hot? She seems to me like she'd be the ideal woman. You know, if we were all cartoons or something.

Hows come chicken strips always seem to come to a point on one end?

Doody

Here's a word you don't hear anymore, Poopball. We get lots of poop, but no more poopballs. I think I'm gonna try to revive that one. I try to mix it up when I refer to excrement. I say shit, crap, poop, poo, doody, feces, fecal matter, fecal particles, turd a dump, dumpage, droppings, shit nugget, nugget of shit, well maybe those last 2 are derivatives of shit, but I like them anyway. So help me out and let's bring poopball back to the American language.

Alright enough of this humorous racism. I have compiled a list of my top 5 pick up lines.

1. Oh yeah that's right. I forgot, I don't use pick up lines. All the women come to me. Yeah, haha, high five! What?! No high five? Fuck you.

Fun with Racism

Is anyone else as amused by the "N" word as I am? I like it. I like to use it at times that don't make sense, and I like to use it in a quasi-derogatory way too. I would never say it to a black person, but also I don't get offended by anything either. So it's easy for me to be insensitive. Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger. Nigger dick, nigger lover. I just don't seem to care. I also maintain that I am not a racist either. I am not prejudice, I hate everyone equally.

I better be careful what I say here, because I am opening some racial issue doors. If I'm not careful some nigger might fashion a shank out of a chicken bone and stab me. You monkey fuckers.

OK, now I'm creeping myself out. But I can't help it. Hey what do you call 4 old black guys standing in a barn? Antique farm equipment. Aw get out of here, that wasn't funny.

Why shouldn't you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans? The black ones will steal your watch. How do you make a Puerto Rican? Sandblast a nigger.

Odds and Ends

Recently due to laziness I have started wearing briefs again. Only for a brief (pun intended) period of time. I haven't worn briefs since I was a junior in High School. This is a really weird feeling but I like the way it makes my package look. It appears bigger. Plus my jeans feel like they fit looser too. Super!

Jeez aren't M&Ms good? If cum tasted like M&Ms I'd probably be gay. I'd be back in that concrete tunnel enjoying myself.

Hey gang, here is a nice title to a gay porn; PLAY BALL. Or do you think PLAY BALLS would be better? Or for you special people out there how about PLAY BALL(S)?

More Max and Kirk

Hey, aren't boogers gross? Not your own, but other people's. One time a booger almost got my ass whipped. I was at "Kirk's " house and we were chillin' and I was picking my nose. I got a decent size booger and I rolled it up into a nice ball and flicked it. Unfortunately it landed on "Kirk's" arm. He was like "What the fuck is that?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?" I had to apologize profusely. He was ready to beat my ass.

Another time when I was hanging out at "Max" and "Kirk's" place, we were watching T.V. and drinking and constantly fucking with each other. Well I had this silly little flip phone and "Max" asked if he could see it. So I let him and when I got it back I opened it up to look at it. "Max" wiped a booger on it and closed it back up and gave it to me. This sent me into a fury. I picked him up out of his chair and started dragging him by his arm. I was taking him outside to whip his ass. He pulled away and said "Fuck you." So I put him in a headlock and took him down. Then the little faggot pulled my hair so I would let go. Yeah, he pulled my fucking hair. Like a little bitch. As he stood up he punched me right in the side of my head. Then I drove him into the wall. It was chaos for a minute or two, but we ended up watching T.V. and doing shots of vodka together. I may have suffered a concussion during that episode because I had a headache for about 3 days. But "Max" broke his hand. He didn't know it until a week later when the knot on his hand didn't go away and the cold weather severely irritated his hand. So, HA! Fuck him, when we're 70 years old I will have forgotten about and when its really cold out and his hand hurts he will remember why.

Why is it you can always tell when a black people are talking? (because they are loud and obnoxious) Not just because they're all loud and obnoxious. The stupid shit they complain about is annoying ass hell. Even if you try to ignore it you still have to hear it. Whether you want to or not. All I hear is, blab blabba dab blabba dabba dab dab. This, to me, ranks right up there with the people that have creepy voices. I just want to silence these motherfuckers. And I know this little rant may sound racist but I don't care. Lots of people feel this way, I'm just one of the few people who will admit it.

Oh yeah and by the way, I wish they'd stop pronouncing they're Ds as Ts. If something is difficult it's HARD not HART. If it's not good it's BAD not BAT. And for all of you black cashiers out there, when you give me my change, unless you are giving me a single penny, it's cents. You aren't giving me four dollars and twenty nine CENT. It's twenty nine CENTS. Hopefully you'll understand that. I don't know Ebonics very well.

What a Dickhead

Man the other day I was on my way to work and I'm driving along minding my own business trying to leave an appropriate distance between myself and the car in front of me. But, some shithead in a Honda wedges her stupid fucking car into that space between me and the car in front of me. But I was cool, no point in ruining my day that early. Then some asshole in a purple fucking Concorde squeezes his ass in between me and the Honda. So now I'm in my car on the verge of going berserk. I actually screamed "I'm about to flip the fuck out and hurt somebody!" But I calmed myself down. As it ended up, the jerkoff in the purple fucking Concorde worked with me. And I about shit myself when I saw who it was. It was the head guy in charge of my office. Luckily I calmed myself down and didn't try to run him over in the parking lot.

Chug, chug, drink that beer, just one more you're not a queer! Chug, chug, drink that shot, drink until that pig is hot! - That's a nice man's drinking song for you.

Food for Thought

Take it from me kids, chicken wings and alcohol is not the best diet to live on. Raw steak and alcohol is a little better but still not very good. For about 2 years that's what I lived off of. Unlike milk, that does not do a body good.

Although eating very rare steak does help to strengthen your immune system. I can't tell you how many times I ate a still bloody rare london broil and washed it down with Budweiser, only to take a green shit the next day due to all of the bacteria I was expelling. But hey that's bacteria that's going down the shitter drain, not hanging out in my body. Those bastards went bowlin' in my colon. And they gutter balled.

Isn't garbanzo a funny word? Like garbanzo bean. It sounds like something you'd call a crazy person. "You'll never believe what happened to Jeff. His wife left him and took the kids. Now he's in a home because he went garbanzo. He is in a garbanzo facility."