Haiku for You

Here are my balls
Enjoy them I know you will
Be fond of those two

The above has been a haiku. That is a short poem of 3 lines having a total of 17 syllables. They are broken down into 3 lines in a 5/7/5 format.

Remember the good old days of name calling? When you were a kid? You could call a guy with a shaved head skee-ball. Not anymore. You use stuff like that now and the kids will laugh at you while they beat the shit out of you. And I do mean THEY. No one ever fights one on one anymore. No one like to use their hands either. Everybody wants to use weapons. Well fuck you skee-ball, give me a "fair fight", something no one is familiar with these days, and one of us will be walking away. Guess what? It won't be you. And on a side note, that goes double for you stinky motherfuckers that refuse to wash. I'll beat your ass with a bar of soap. Take a bath asshole.

You know how you deal with a person like that? You have a friend or a family member that won't take a hint? Perhaps a co-worker or even just some asshole you encounter on a regular basis? You pour sand on that cocksucker. Guarantee you they will shower after that. No one can walk around with sand in their hair and ears. Wait until it makes it's way into their pants. Whoa! Once it's in their ass crack or crotch, they will take a goddamn shower. They might not completely remove the stink, but hey it's a start.

I'm Going Grocery Shopping

Ever stole a shopping cart from a grocery store? There really is no need for it, but it sure is fun, isn't it? Actually the best part is leaving it in your buddy's living room once you've stolen it. Hey what am I gonna do with a fucking shopping cart? Let that dickhead figure it out.

You know what I like to do? I like to walk up and down the aisle in a grocery store and pull all of the coupons out of the little coupon dispensing machines. I collect them all and then I find a place for them. They might think its a treasure of coupons. They may be having a shitty day and that could be their silver lining. Y'see? I'm always trying to help other people.

People Suck

Don't you hate it when you're driving your car in adverse weather conditions, and you have a passenger that wants to talk to you and distract your attention from the road? I hate that, don't you? You just wanna throw them in the trunk and drive full speed in reverse into a wall and hope you're in a Pinto. Teach them a goddamn lesson for sure.

Don't you hate when someone you know, or someone near you has a creepy voice? You aren't sure why or what it is about his voice, you just know its creepy. And you wanna rip his throat out. And as you stand over them as they lay on the ground you wanna say "Talk now you creepy motherfucker!" Then take the shit you have in your hand and punt it. Fuck them, that's the least of their poblems at that point.

Don't Break the Rules

It's ok to bend the rules a little. As long as you can straigten them back out when you're done.

Unless you're in the United States Government. In that case you can just violate other people's rights and make shit up as you go along.

Don't you think there are exceptions to every rule? I know there is. But that's rules, not laws. That may be a different story. Like I can't find a justifiable reason to whip out your dick and piss on the sidewalk. That would be against the law, but you can kill somebody. Sure you can, if it's in self defense, or if someone is in imminent danger. You can kill someone. Isn't that odd? There is an exception or 2 to the 'No Killing' law, but not the law about pissing on the side walk?

Name Game

I wonder how musicians come up with their stage names? I think it would be fun. Doesn't Mike Steele sound cool? Or you know what would be sweet? Michael Corleone! You know, Al Pacino's character from the Godfather. Maybe just Mike Leone, as a homage rather than just ripping off the name all together. Mike Corleone might be acceptable then too. Although the best name ever may just be Nikki Skywalker. I think you'd have to bow down to anyone with a name like that. Or at least that is what I could sign into the hotel with when I'm out on tour.

Hows come when a black comedian makes fun of white people in his act it's OK? But if a white comedian says nigger in his routine he is considered a racist?

Here is another racial issue for you. Slavery. That's right and I say Fuck 'Em. Why do I have to give a shit? Because I don't. My family came to America in the 1920s or the teens I believe. That was a while after slavery, so we had nothing to do with it. So fuck 'em, give them reparations if you want, but ain't shit coming from me. Why should I feel guilty just because I'm white? Do you think my great-great-grandparents, when they got here from Czechoslovakia, were treated like they belonged right away? No money, probably not a strong grasp on the English language, having to change their name so it was Americanized. Where is my motherfucking sympathy? There isn't any. So I will not give any. And I'm just fine with that, I will not lose any sleep over this. Period. End of fucking story.

Well it looks like I'm back on the topic of suicide. I think about suicide a lot. Not committing it, just the act of doing so. And I have found justifiable reasons for doing it. Even though, once again, I DO NOT condone it. If you are going to be taken hostage and mercilessly beaten or tortured eventually to death, then I feel it is OK to kill yourself in order to avoid that. The other reason I can think of is to save another life or lives. If you doing something that results in your death, but keeps other people living, then go ahead. That won't bother me quite as much.

Have you ever been reading something and saw the phrase 'as much' and thought it said 'ass munch'? I do that all the time.

Here's a suicide joke for ya: I was so depressed the other day I climbed to the roof of a 14 story building and jumped off. The trouble was that I landed on the roof of a 13 story building. All I did was knock myself out and piss my pants in the process. So I got arrested for trespassing and public urination.

Wow, now that I read that I see that it wasn't quite as funny as it sounded in my head.

OK, hows come in cases where someone is raped, molested, or sexually assaulted in anyway, they say they were fondled? Or someone will refer to it as fondling. The definition of fondle is to "touch lovingly". I would think that if someone fondled me it would be a good thing. I sure wouldn't take someone to court over it. picture this, I go to the police station, and tell the police that I got drunk and someone touched me lovingly. They'd probably threaten to beat the shit out of me if I didn't stop wasting their time. All I'm saying is we need to use our words with the appropriate definition in mind.

Like the word literally. People literally through that word around for shit they don't literally mean. That previous sentence was an example of both an incorrect use of literal and a correct use as well. Please put litter in it's place.

Advice for the Ladies

Hey ladies, if you're in bed with a guy and he finishes quickly, it's not necessarily a bad thing. OK? Lots of guys are worried that the women they're with are too good for them, so they may be exceptionally attracted to you. You are so hot to them that can not control themselves.That should be the highest form of compliment you could receive. Of course there are exceptions to that rule. Just don't be a bitch about it.

Random Shit

• Ever wanted to beat the shit out of a minority just because they were a minority? Uh, me neither, just asking.

• I don't want to be, a parody of me.

• I recently got a new car, and where my desk is at work, I have a window. So I like to park my car where I can see it from my desk. And during the day, just for fun, I like to hit the lock button on my key fob just so I can see the running lights flash on my car.

Ever heard of a 'Speed Ball'? Apparently it's the combination of doing coke and heroin at the same time somehow. Well I have come up with my own concoction. I call it a 'Knuckle Ball'. Instead of heroin, you smoke weed, and instead of coke you drink a ton of energy drinks. Kind of the same effect only my way isn't as harmful, but probably isn't quite as euphoric either. So there's a little give and take involved I guess.

OK, this is a stunning fact. Remember when everyone drank Mountain Dew because it was high in caffeine, you know, everybody thought it was the best. "Yeah it wakes me up in the morning!" Well your 12oz con of Dew only contains 54mg of caffeine. That is piddly shit compared to energy drinks. But of course you probably already knew the energy drinks would have more. How much more is the real question.Your average can of Rockstar has 10mg per ounce. So if you break down that can of Dew you're only looking at 4.5mg per ounce. The Rockstar is more than double that! Plus with all of the Taurine and Guarana, and all the other bullshit, it's probably eating a hole in the lining of my stomach. Unfortunately I love the shit and can't get enough of it sometimes.

Okay, here is something that makes no sense. The word sodomy means unlawful penetration of the anus, your ass. If I sodomize you I am sticking something up your ass. Now the word oral means relating to the mouth. OK? Are we on the same page here? Now if I force you to blow me, the legal system would refer to that as " forced oral sodomy". It seems to me that oral sodomy would be if I stuck my tongue up your ass. Suppose you bend over, I sneak up on you and rip your pants off. Then I just ram my tongue up your ass. That's forced oral sodomy. Making some one blow you against their will is not forced oral sodomy. Making someone blow you against their will is just plain fucking hot.

Here is a Short Poem for You

She seemed kinda tall

But she looked like she had it all

As she took my hand

She said, I hope you understand

I'm really a man

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Here is something else that's pissing me off. All of these dumbass colors we use these days. What happened to all of the color names we used when I was a child? Has our euphemistic language problem become so bad that colors have been affected? There's Canary Yellow, Chocolate Brown, Money Green, and Pitch Black. Pitch Black? That one pisses me off the most. Black is black. What the fuck is pitch black? The corporate marketing assholes have found a way to ruin colors now too. It's sad. There are more examples than the 4 I've given you here, but I refuse to mention them because I don't recognize them as real colors. This is America and my flag is still Red, White, and Blue. Basic and original colors. Not Rose Red, Navajo White, and Deep Sea Blue. Red, White, and Blue, Motherfucker.

I used to wonder why women were so big into shoes. They love their shoes. Then I realised that I had amassed quite a large collection of footwear myself. Shoes are cool. I like shoes too. Leave women alone with this one. As long as they wear the many pairs of shoes don't complain. Now for you black guys that buy shoes, leave 'em in the boxes and never wear them, what the fuck?!?! If you have that much extra cash do something decent with it.Honestly that is a waste of fucking money. You should probably spend some of that money putting food on the table for your many bastard children.

Do you think that when Tommy Lee went to prison, the other inmates were afraid of getting fucked in the ass by him since he has such a ginormous schwantz?

Here is a term I like to use, but is considered unacceptable. Colored. In reference to a black person I suppose, yes. But what's offensive about it? You might say " That Denzel Washington seems like a nice fella." I don't see anything offensive about that. In fact the only thing I see wrong with it is based on the definition of the word itself. If you think about it, we're all colored, We're just colored differently.

More Random Shit

Why is it called a 'pair of pants'? It's only one item. If you go into a dressing room to try on a 'pair of pants' it's only considered one garment. I think if they're going to call it a 'pair of pants' then they ought to hang a little card with a 2 on it on the door while you're in the dressing room.

Here is a nice way to refer to a butt: Doo Doo Port. Huh? You go up to a girl and say " Hey, that's a nice Doo Doo Port you got there, honey." I think she'd pretty much have to go home with you after that. I've also heard of a butt being referred to as a 'Turd Cutter', but that sounds a little too crass for my taste.