Shopping Cart Story

OK, OK, the shopping cart story. Once upon a time a very good friend of mine, we'll call him "Kirk" and I went to one of our favorite watering holes, Applebees. We could go get loaded at the 1/2 price happy hour. Often times we'd go to Kroger's afterward to but some beer and steaks. This particular time, while at Applebees, my zipper broke. Yes, the one on my jeans. So anyways, we are at Kroger checking out the steaks and such when I realized that the fillet of Mignon steaks wrapped in bacon would fit though my wide open zipper hole. I slid one through and it dropped down my left pant leg into my boot. Yay it worked. I did it again with my right pant leg, again it worked. So I was off to buy beer. Unbeknownst to me, Kirk took a salmon fillet and wrapped it in a Muscle Fitness magazine and put it down his pants. We ended up buying beer and leaving. We get to my car all happy and shit. To complete our crime spree, as we leave I tell Kirk to reach out of my car and grab a shopping cart. I was gonna drive full speed across the parking lot and he was gonna let it go into a car. He chickened out but didn't want to let go of the cart. So we drove home with him hanging out of my car hanging on to the cart. There were sparks flying off of the wheels and shit, it was great. At the end of our evening we leave it in his living room and I go home.

The 2 best parts of the story is this:

1. Both of his room mates worked with us and the next day at work one of them, we'll call him "T.J." comes up to me and says " I assume you can explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room?" I acted all aloof like "what, I can't believe you think I had something to do with that." But he knew.
2. The other thing is his other room mate "Max" got a DUI the week prior when the 3 of us left a bar. The Cop saw all 3 of us pull out at the same time and flipped around to follow us. Max was the first one to slip up. He rolled through a right turn on red. The Cop went left of center around Kirk and pulled Max over. Right in front of his front door. He was so pissed when he found out we drove home drunk with stolen meat in our pockets and with a shopping cart hanging out of my car. Not because it was stupid, but because we didn't get caught and he did. True Story.

Religion

Why are there so many religions? It seems to me that if religion was a purposeful thing, then we'd only have 1 religion. Now don't get me wrong, I believe in God, or at least A God. But I think if there was only one religion, there'd be a lot less problems in the world. Not fewer than if there were no religion, but hey, baby steps people, baby steps.

When I mentioned the stealing of the shopping cart earlier, that was a true story by the way. Just thought I'd clear that up for you. What's that? You want to hear the story? Well, maybe some other time.

Random Thoughts

• You know the phrase "Hindsight is 20/20"? Well I think it should be Hindsight is 50/50. Because sometimes you do stupid shit and learn from it sometimes you don't. 50/50
• Ahhh the almighty caffeine. You know, people say that heroin is the most addictive drug, well I say bullshit. Its caffeine. Heroin is probably the worse one to get hooked on, but caffeine is the most addictive. I'm always right, I know what I'm talking about here.
• Although I have never seen anyone offering to suck a dick for a can of Mountain Dew. But that would be cool. I'd carry a 12 pack with me everywhere I went.
• So maybe I was wrong about caffeine being the most addictive drug. Don't get used to it, that doesn't happen often.

When I mentioned the man with the live chicken earlier, do you think he had his penis in it's butt hole or it's egg chute? Or are they part of the same plumbing? That whole debacle really has me confused. How does a full sized man have sex with a live chicken? No one should ever have to ask that question.

Correction

OK gang, I have a correction to make regarding the oral sodomy rant from earlier. I hear that sodomy isn't necessarily specific to the anus. It can refer to sticking anything unwanted into any one's orifices. Which is still stupid. I could walk up to you while you were talking and put my finger in your mouth. That would be oral sodomy. I stuck my finger in your mouth, hence, I orally sodomized you. See you in court asshole.

The State of Pornography

Here is something that I find disturbing. Pornography! And don't get me wrong, I'm not against it. I don't have a problem with it, in and of itself. But we do have some really fucked up porno out there these days. And that is where my real gripe comes in. I don't see anything wrong 2 people having sex on film for other people's enjoyment, that's just fine. However, the stuff that goes way beyond that is very disturbing. There are these very sick bukkake films, anal gang bangs, choking, simulated rape, people pissing all over each other, and shitting, and puking. Yeah, that's right, people shitting on each other, eating the shit, smearing the shit all over themselves. How? HOW?! How could anyone find this hot or attractive in any way, shape or form? And the puking, you see this a lot with the Asians, but none the less it is still gross. Just like the shitting, how could anyone get off on this? There is a large group of people who were told sex was bad or taboo as children, and when they discovered pornography, a whole world where it certainly was not bad or taboo, they became waaay to involved with the shit. After a while the traditional pron wouldn't satisfy them, so they needed more unusual shit. Midgets weren't enough. Neither was pregnant women with shaved heads. Women fucking dogs and horses, men fucking pigs, goats, sheep, and cows. I once saw a guy, on the Internet, fucking a live chicken. Yeah a LIVE CHICKEN. I didn't eve think that was possible. These sick fucks need more and more, the more perverted, twisted or bizarre the better for these individuals. This is crazy, no one should need this. Now, I'll admit I have witnessed a lot of this stuff on the Internet, but I never went looking for it, and I most certainly never needed to use it for jerk-off fodder. I don't think I could even get erect with this shit. Now, the really scary part is I only see this getting worse. Much, much, much worse. One of the last few really fucked up things I saw was this: A girl is on her back with her knees pulled up to her chest. And she has some device in her ass keeping her asshole open. OK? You still reading? So some guy dumps what looks like 2 spoonfuls of what looks like strawberry milk mix into her ass cavern. Then proceeds to pour milk into her ass. Still reading? Next she gets up and hops around shaking her ass. She is essentially mixing up the milk and milk mix. Still with me? OK, so she squats down over a glass and shits the strawberry milk out into the glass. If you haven't quit reading yet then her goes, after she fills the glass she smells it, and with a sly, sexy grin she begins to drink the ass concoction. What the fuck people?! Do people really enjoy this shit? See why I am scared for the future? Where do we go from here? I'll tell you where. To Hell. We are all going to hell for allowing this to happen. There is no way anyone could or would have any mercy on our souls for this. Pack your bags guys, I'll see you there.