Clarification

Now in a previous rant about music I made a statement saying that I want Sex, Drugs, and Rock N Roll in my Rock N Roll, then said long live Motley Crue and Metallica, 2 bands from the early 80s that are still awesome. I didn't mean to imply that I thought Metallica was a Sex, Drugs, and Rock N Roll band. They are just a great Metal band. Despite what some people say, despite how a couple of records sounded. If you can't handle diversity, go fuck yourself. They are and always will be an amazing Metal band. But this is how I distinguish between a great Rock N Roll band and a great Metal band. If you mess with a Metal band they will kick your ass and celebrate by drinking beer. Maybe even offer you one. If you mess with a Rock N Roll band, they will kick your ass and celebrate by fucking your girlfriend. Maybe even let you watch. OK, you understand that?

Now in that same previous rant, I mentioned that Trivium was one of the few bands that I could get behind. Well I saw them live for the 3rd time the other night and they just melted my face off. They really reinforced the idea that they are one of the greatest bands going right now. Metal band by the way. I also mentioned Black Label Society (BLS) as one of my favorites, one that does not suck. But I excluded them from the category of new bands because the Genesis, or rather the Catalyst for the band began in the early 90s with Pride & Glory. However, BLS really got started in the late 90s, co maybe you could consider them new if new means within the last 10 years. Ooh, ooh, here is another great new(er) band: Avenged Sevenfold (A7X). These guys are a great Rock N Roll band. Complete with tattoos and cool names. Synester Gates and Zacky Vengeance, what awesome names for guitar players. Those might almost be as cool as Nikki Skywalker. Almost.

You know what's fun? 'Upperdecking' someone's toilet. That's where you take a shit in the back part of the toilet. Just take the ceramic lid off the back and unload your feces. Try it sometime. Not at my place though! I guarantee you won't be able to do it without giggling the entire time. Then flush it so shit water fills the bowl up. HA!

My junior year in high school I was attending a career center half the day, and my regular school the other half. Can you believe that my home school didn't even want to give me a locker? Yeah, because I didn't attend the school for a full day. What bullshit, I still had classes and books. Well, my dad straightened that shit out with one visit. Don't wanna give me a locker? Fuck you, I got my locker. A new locker, my old locker was given away. Plus I forgot o completely clean out my locker at the end of my sophomore year, because we were supposed to keep our lockers for the entire 4 years we were there. Anyway i left these cool G.I. Joe magnets on the inside of my locker door along with a picture of me on my dad's Ninja (motorcycle). Well this black dude that got my locker thought all the magnets and pictures came with the locker. Like they put pictures of people on motorcycles in everyone's locker. He didn't want to give me my stuff back. What the fuck was he gonna do with a picture of a white guy on a random motorcycle? He thought it looked cool. I was like "Gimme my fuckin' shit back asshole!" I ripped my pictures down, there was even pictures of me and my friends from middle school. So I told him "Keep the magnets you fuck, I'm taking my goddamn pictures." Now that I think about it, I should have punched him in the face, kicked him in the gut, and slammed his head with the locker door a few times and took all of my stuff back. Can you believe that jerk?

I wish Rock N Roll today in 2009 didn't suck like it does right now. There is no one to idolize anymore. Except for a few of the bands from the 80s that are still around, but no one new. I wish we would have a rebirth, maybe in 2010 we could have 1980 start over again. You know, make Hollywood the Mecca, and only the strong survive. I wanna have a few amazing bands come to life that everyone tries to copy. There are very few bands that I will stand behind right now, Trivium being one of them. Black Label Society would be another one, but really the Genesis for that band began in the early 90s. They are still, however, one of the few bands that don't suck. One of my favorite, Velvet Revolver, doesn't have a singer now, or maybe they do I don't know. So who knows what will happen with them. That brings me back to my original point. We need a resurgence of bands like Motley Crue, Guns N' Roses, Van Halen (w/DLR), you get my drift, right? People say that the Grunge movement killed off the great "Hair Metal" from the 80s, and look how long that shit lasted. Of the 4 bands that really ushered Grunge in, look where they are now. Nirvana - Gone, but spawned the power ballad loving Foo Fighters. Soundgarden - Gone. Alice in Chains - Trying to make a comeback minus the late Layne Staley. Pearl Jam - No longer even relevant, now just a caricature of itself. I want Sex, Drugs, and Rock N Roll in my rock N Roll. Is that too much to ask? Long live Motley Crue and Metallica, 2 bands that got started in the early 80s and have stood the test of time. Both in longevity and musical quality.

• Hey dickheads with cell phones, can you put them away while you're driving, please? I don't want to be killed by your carelessness. You miserable cocksuckers.
• You know one time when I was in college and I was working at the dealership for my internship, my Lead Tech and I were replacing some valve cover gaskets on a car and he had trouble tightening a bolt. After he was done he said "You better be tight bitch!" I found that particular phrase amusing. You better be tight bitch. That works in so many other situations. Of course it's hard to find a tight Vuh J J when you have a tiny dick.
• Does your asshole ever itch? I'm serious, your rusty brown ring, Does it ever itch? Mine does 2, 3 times a week. And I feel weird scratching it because it's my asshole. I feel like I'm trying to finger myself. And it always itches when I'm in a public setting. Rarely at home. You can't be hanging out at a bar with your friends while you have your hand down the back of your pants, scratching your asshole.

OK, enough of this depressing bullshit. How about another "Kirk" story? Alright so one time we went to Crown and got sloppy drunk. I know that doesn't narrow it down too well. Anyways, we leave and I'm driving. For some reason I decide to take the long way to Kirk's house. We were probably listening to BLS or Trivium or something like that. So I turn down a side road and we're just rolling through a residential neighborhood, when I notice familiar headlights approaching from behind me. I freak out. I ask Kirk if it looked like Crown Victoria headlights. His response was "I don't know man, my eyes are too blurry, I can't see straight." Thanks! You're a lot of help man. So I'm like "Watch this shit" and I pulled into a random driveway. The car passed and it was a Statey! HA! Fuck him. But Kirk had the idea that if he drove back by and saw us both still in the car he might get suspicious. So we got out and ran behind the house to watch for the Statey to come back by. We also decided to relieve ourselves while we were back there. Then all of a sudden we hear a dog barking crazily, Kirk freaks out and I go back to my car. It was the owner of the house and he was pissed. He was shouting all kinds of profanity at me and his dog was going berserk. I got in my car to leave but Kirk was nowhere to be found. I called for him and left. I told the owner I must have had the wrong house. But I was gone. I went down the road and pulled over to call Kirk. I asked him where he was and he said he didn't know. I told him I was in the street and to come find me so we could get the fuck out of there before the owner called the Cops. That was a crazy time. We went from dodging one bullet to almost getting hit by another.

All of my stories are true, I don't fabricate anything. It's funnier if it's true. Like my chainsaw story, it's a good one too.

Me on My Soapbox

Why are there always lines at Wal-Mart? Any time of day. ANY time of day! I have gone there at 2, 3 in the morning piss drunk to buy some food to eat and there are still long lines. To me this is crazy. It looks like amusement part ride lines. Except when you get to the head of the line, there is no roller coaster. Just a semi-retarded fuck face working a cash register. Kind of like when you're at Speedway.

Now I'm not trying to put these people down by saying I'm better than them, but I am. Obviously these people may not have had the best options to go with in life, but most of them never tried. And don't give me that "You grew up in a better environment" bullshit. I've heard it all. Everything I have, I've worked for. My car, a nice paying job, all of my guitars, everything. I have never given up, even when I wanted to. So yeah, I am better than them. In life there is always a pecking order, and you should never settle for the bottom of it. You say 'Can't', I hear 'Don't want to'. If you look at people who are given everything and think that is the only way to get what you want, then maybe you deserve to be giving me my change when I'm filling up my new car. You must Refuse to bow down.

Maybe that is a harsh, or wry, or even maybe a biased point of view, but how many athletes or musicians had nothing as children and held onto their dreams and made something great of themselves? And those are the one in a million shots. What about the people who had nothing and simply worked hard? You never hear about it in that case, but it happens. They just aren't publicized. So what I'm saying is, if a random person can rise up from a community of poverty to become one of the world's greatest athlete or an award winning musician, you have no right to blame your unfortunate situation on anyone but yourself. You don't even have to set your goals as high as musician or athlete, what about saying, "Hey, I want my education and a decent job, and a life where I don't depend on other people for EVERYTHING." It's a lot easier to succeed if you just fucking try.

Now I almost feel bad, maybe a little guilty. Like I'm sort of being an elitist. But if you think about it, honestly, am I wrong? Just look at all the assholes that have every opportunity to make something of themselves, the ones who have people in their lives that would bend over backwards to help them succeed, yet they do nothing. They'd rather b nothing or become nothing simply because it's easier. Why work when you can be a worthless piece of shit and blame other people? It starts with yourself. The only limitations you have are the ones you put on yourself.

Have you ever noticed that when you fart in the shower, it always smells horrible? Why is that? Of course we know it sounds 9 times as worse than it really is because we have water in our ass cracks. But the smell, that's about the only time we can't stand our own farts. It's your own fart, but you're gagging. Why is that?

Recently I have quit biting my fingernails (toe nails are still fair game) (just joking). But for real it's been about 8 days now and I have never wanted to bite my nails more than I want to do right now. I have no idea why. The more white at the end of my nails that I see, the more I want to bit them. It drives me nuts, it's like they're taunting me.

That reminds me of another joke. A pirate walks into a restaurant and the hostess notices he has a steering wheel stuck to his crotch. So she takes him to a table with plenty of room.When they get to the table he says, "This is an awfully big table." And she says, "Yes, well I noticed the steering wheel sticking out of your crotch." He goes "Aye it drives me nuts!"

Ahhh, butt jokes are great, aren't they?

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My Own Top 10 List

The following is a Top 10 list of people we can do without.

1. Emeril Lagasse - BAM! No man should ever be named Emeril.
2. Tom Cruise - I think we've all gotten our fill of this guy. Especially Katie Holmes.
3. Donald Trump - I don't think I have to explain this one.
4. Ann Coulter - Have you ever heard the things this soulless cunt says?
5. People who name their children after objects - This is a terrible thing to do to a child.
6. Dennis Rodman - Is it me or does he remind you of a black Tommy Lee too?
7. Ringo Starr - You will never be Paul, John, or George. Go the fuck away.
8. Pro-Lifers - The ones that kill doctors. I thought they were Pro-Life?
9. Amy Fisher - No matter how good you think you look, your sex tape sucked. So do you.
10. Courtney Love - She might have had Kurt Cobain killed. 'Nuff said.

Honorable Mention:

• Dallas Cowboys - You either are a fan or you hate them. I'm not a fan.
• Kevin Federline - Because I know no one would disagree with this one.
• Fall Out Boy - Not only does their music suck, but Pete Wentz knocked up Ashlee Simpson before I could.

Helpful Advice

I've always been a big proponent of not fucking with strangers. You never know who you're gonna mess with. Some guy might look like a dorky little pip squeak, but he may know martial arts or have a damn gun. Or maybe the person is having a real shitty day and your bullshit is the one thing that pushes them into a blind rage. Now if you're in an automobile and they aren't, that's a different story because you can get away. So if you wanna roll up to a black guy that's walking down the sidewalk and call him a dirty, lazy, spearchucker, that's fine. Just be prepared to get an ass whipping if your piece of shit car breaks down on you half a block down the road.

Here is an example of what I mean up above. One day my brother is driving home from work and he's rolling down a quiet residential street and he comes across 3 black guys in school uniforms, not these thug gangsta looking dudes you see all the time. Anyways, he slows down as he passes them. Slow enough that they notice and look at him. After they all look over at him, he reaches over and manually locks his car door so they can see him. Then he drives off. Yeah, you believe that shit? He was just fucking with them because he was white and they were black. Like he should be worried that they might carjack him just because they're black and he is white. But, he was able to drive away so nothing came of it. Now had he sped away and hit another car, and the black guys caught up to him, and dragged him out of his car and slapped him around a bit, that would be OK too. Fuck him for fucking with strangers.

Ever got into an argument with someone that almost escalates into a fist fight, and the other person has eye glasses or sun glasses on and they give you this bullshit, "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses would ya?" You know what I say to these shit eating cretins? I say "Yes I would. I don't give a fuck that you have glasses because I'm going to punch you in the mouth." And I think they get the point after that.

Daddy Dearest

OK, I mentioned my mom and brother, so don't think I'm letting dear old dad off the hook just yet. So, we all know the Jewish expression "Oy Vay" right? I know you're familiar with it, you hear Jews say it all the time. Well there was a time when my dad listened to Howard Stern a lot, and as we all know Howard is half Jewish. Well sometimes Howard says Oy Vay, because he's Jewish. After a while my dad started saying it all the time too. Actually he said "Aye Vay". Which as you can imagine is twice as annoying. My dad would say Aye Vay. And I wanted to grab him y his shirt collar and say "Look motherfucker, it's Oy Vay, not Aye Vay. Besides you aren't even Jewish, you're Catholic! Stop it before I really lose control." That wouldn't have went over too well though. So I just sat there in quiet contemplation of what I wanted to do. Yeah, I guess it's probably better that way.