Christmas Shopping Ideas

One last thing before I go, since it's almost Christmas. If there is a special lady in your life and can't quite figure out what to get her, look no further. Guaranteed to give you both hours of fun. So enjoy this wonderful Christmas gift idea. And yes, that's right I said Christmas gift idea. Not Holiday gift idea. For 1, "Holiday" just sounds too weak. And 2, Go Fuck Yourself if you don't like Christmas. You fucking heathens.

Neighborhood Hijinx Continued

So, fucking "Hep Head Bob" got a DUI the other night like a jackass. Lost his car, lost his license. He might even lose his job because he has no car. And the fuck was only half a mile away from home. He got so smashed watching a football game, that he got nailed on his way home. Then when he finally got home from the police station he realized that he left his cell phone in the back seat of the police cruiser that brought him home. So at 3:30 in the fucking morning he was knocking on my door because he needed a phone to call the police department to get his phone back. Do you see why I want to shit on his front door step? The best part is, the court looked back at all the other DUIs he has had and now he has to do a bid. He is going to have to spend 20 days in jail. Hopefully 20 days of beatings and forced sodomy. Actually he'd probably willingly blow somebody for protection. He'd just have to refer back to the skills he learned when he was younger. Or what he learned while he was in the Navy. HAHA!

More Neighborhood Hijinx

Remember when I said I wanted to shit on "Hep Head Bob's" front door? Well I also thought it would be funny to piss on his door in freezing weather. Try to freeze his door shut. Or just piss on his porch and let it freeze. Then tell him there is someone giving out free beer to people with food stamps. He would come running out and hit that frozen piss. That would be outstanding! Watching him slip and fall. I'd laugh and say "That nigga got broke!" He's white but I'd still call him a nigga. He'd start cussing and he'd threaten to pour a beer on someone. What a bitch. What a bitch ass sucka ass nigga.

And on the topic of "Hep Head Bob", he has told us about how he has fallen on some hard times in the past. Well I am willing to bet that he has committed a few gay acts in his day. Either for drugs or money, or both for that matter. I am also willing to bet that he knows how to suck a dick better than most women. He's probably given a few "Rusty Trombones" in his day as well. I just want to go up to him and ask him how much he charged to let a guy fuck him in the ass? I think he probably really got hepatitis from either a used syringe or unprotected butt sex. Cowboy butt sex. He was trying to make a few butt babies. He needed some milk for his chocolate factory, if you know what I mean?

Another Public Service Announcement.

This is for all of you guys out there. Since they don't actually come with these warnings, I thought I'd let you know. Keep this shit in mind fellas!

Huh?

Ever heard of the Misfits? It's a legendary horror punk band from the late 70s/early 80s that was once fronted by Glenn Danzig? They took their name from Marylin Monroe's last film. Anyways, I love the Misfits. I love all the old stuff and I love the newer stuff that they put out after Danzig left the band and Jerry and Doyle put the band back together in the mid 90s with front man Michale Graves. In fact I really love Michale Graves, he has an awesome voice. Whatever, I sense you are looking for the point of all this. Years ago when I was younger I fell in love with "American Psycho" one of their first CDs I ever bought. And my dad and I have always had similar music tastes, so I thought he may like it too. So one day we were going somewhere and I brought the CD with us so we could listen to it in his car. After a few songs I asked him what he thought. He said "It's a little too Grunge for me." I was like, "What?!" This is punk, pure and simple. What the fuck do you mean it's too grunge for you? So we end up listening to the radio instead and a Nirvana song comes on and my dad goes "This is a good song." and turns it up! When you think of grunge music who comes to mind? Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, fucking NIRVANA! And then a few weeks later he goes out and buys Soundgarden's "Down on the Upside" CD. That pissed me off so much. The Misfits are too grunge for you, but you like Nirvana and Soundgarden? 10 years later that still fucking bothers me.

Remember from before when I mentioned that I had some pretty fucked up dreams? Well, I had this one the other night that started off like any average dream. Lots of normal things with the occasional out of place thing. Like I'm on a farm but I don't know how I got there. Everything else is normal, except for the flying cows and dogs. Anyways, long story short, a very normal dream ends up with an NFL offensive lineman jerking off onto me. One minute it's a good dream, the next it's a nightmare.

If you have a dream during the morning hours and it ends up being bad, would that be called a "morningmare"? If it isn't night time, can it still be a nightmare? Or is it just a "bad dream"? And if that's the case, can you have bad dreams during the night? Or would it automatically fall into the "nightmare" category? But, if nightmares and bad dreams during the night time are different and not the same thing, what makes them different?

Can Ya Feel Me?

This is the type of fridge that I need. 12 foot high and packed with beer. All kinds of beer. Of course I'd have to go through and arrange them all alphabetically. Hopefully there would be a few pumpkin ales. I fucking love pumpkin flavored beer. I know, I know, it's kinda queer, but fuck you. I like that shit. Hey, by the way, what's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi of course.