Viewer Submissions

Thanks to everyone who reads this shit. I appreciate it. Don't forget to check out 'Tarot By Rachel' if you're into that sort of thing. I've seen her work, it's pretty interesting. But in honor of everyone out there that reads this shit today's update is all viewer submitted pics from around the internet. Enjoy them. I'll do it again in the future. One particular fan is going to get his own update soon too. So be on the look out for that. Thanks again. See you in a week or too!

If anyone can figure this one out, let me know. I still don't get it. What's the trap?

Thanks Aaron F. from Allentown PA

(You can click on it to enlarge it.)

If you've never played Left 4 Dead, you should try it. You don't even have to play online.

Thanks whoever sent this one.

(You can click on it to enlarge it.)

Mmmm Bacon.

This looks like a pretty good Duane Johnson movie.

Thanks Pete H. from Knoxville TN.

Now this is my kind of sandwich!!

Thanks Wade P. from Unknown.

Fiestas are soooo cool. Especially ones with Billabong decals on them. That raises the resale value.

At first I thought, "Wow! Nice set of knockers you got there." But then I noticed the mirror in the background.

Thanks Brad Y. from East Lansing MI.

Whatever. She's still hot. Actually with all of the words I almost didn't post this one. But even on the shitter Britney still looks hot.

That may be an illegal choke hold.

Thanks Ken B. from Valparaiso IN.

Please don't feed this fucker after midnight.

For all of you Mario fans out there.....

Ha! Old People.

Thanks Phil M. from Fort Wayne IN.

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Ha! I loved this one.

Thanks Chris B. from St. Louis MO.

Too bad I didn't have this one when I did my motivational poster update.

A new twist on an old film.

Thanks Richard, for making that statement. And Thanks Bobby P. from Cleveland OH, for sending these in.

I Got Doodies!

It may be no surprise to anyone, but I'm not a fan of using public restrooms, but let's face it, who is? However, the Mexicans that clean the office building where I work are good at what they do. It always smells nice in our restroom. Plus since I work evenings and they clean at 6 or so every night when I take my evening post - dinner dump, I get a freshly cleaned restroom to do my business. So to all of you hard working masters of the Custodial Arts, I salute you.

Another Great Show

OK, so recently I had a chance to see my brother's band play again. And once again I was impressed. It was an important show for them because it was at a venue that could help them out in the future and it was also the first show since their guitar player had a major health scare. So I was as happy to see them play as they were to actually play. By the way, the two opening acts weren't up to snuff and I was so drunk at that point that "allegedly" I was heckling the 2nd act. But I digress. This particular performance I saw the band in a way I hadn't seen recently. I was up front and center this time. Usually I'm in front of my brother. So as I panned left to right I noticed this. My brother has really come into his own and has started to create his own style or look. Image may be the word I'm looking for. He's got a quarterback play list wrist band with the set list written on it. And he combines that with a quasi-M. Shadows look calling off the songs. Next the singer "J" we'll call him really knows how to sing his lungs out! I had never noticed that intensity in him before. I'm sure it's been there, but I finally observed it in real life. Now, "N" the drummer is simply the best drummer I know, personally. He was on fire and it really was an inspiration to me. Not just as an observer, but as a fan of the band and being a fellow musician (of sorts) myself. Now the bass player "D" looked a lot different because he had to get a new job and "the man" made him shave his beard off. And he has always had a massive black beard. As a fan of facial hair I have always been a bit envious of his beard, so when he showed up looking like a child molester I was shocked! But, and this is a big BUT, I was able to see his face while he was playing. I've never noticed before, how much he gets into the whole vibe the band is putting out. The way his face twists and contorts while playing and singing along with "J" was something previously masked by the beard. It was refreshing and made me all that much more excited to be there. Next, and last, but not least, "K" the other guitar player, who had her triumphant return. That's right, I said HER return, was in the best form I had seen her in a while. She had sunglasses that matched my brother's and black hair that hung in her face that was reminiscent of Nikki Sixx circa 1994 and unless she was singing backing vocals she was expressionless. That created such a mystique in my mind that if I hadn't known any better, I may have thought it was a different person all together. My mind was blown, simply put. It was probably in the top 2 performances of theirs that I have seen. And I'd like to Thank them, whether they read this or not, I'm saying Thank You very much for keeping my drunken ass entertained on a Saturday night.

Does this bug you? When people pronounce the days of the week as if they were spelled with 'dee' at the end rather that 'day'? It bugs the shit out of me. "I'll see you on Mondee." Bullshit! "I will see you on MonDAY!" I don't know what this Mondee shit is. And it's nothing personal if you pronounce these words this way. Nothing personal at all. You just need to stop it. Seriously. I'm sure you wouldn't ask, "What dee of the week is it?" No, you'd say 'Day' just fine in that situation. So saying Monday or Friday shouldn't be that big of a problem. Didn't you learn anything in school? Huh? Aww Fuck You.

Have you seen this Sandra Lee on the fucking food network? She looks like a younger, hotter Marg Helgenberger form the original CSI: Crime Scene Investigation T.V. show. You know, the one on Thursday nights on CBS, just before the Mentalist. It sucks that I know all of this programming bullshit. But Sandra Lee, hmm. I call her Sandy. Not really I just saw her for the first time the other day. But she was hot. In fact, I have no idea what she was cooking, but if she asked me to eat it off her ass, I would have. And that's the end of my story.

A Story of Happiness and Heart Break

So back in college I met a girl who happened to have two of the same classes as I did. And this girl, or should I say young woman had a great body, a great personality and a fantastic rack! She and I went to high school in the same school district and kind of bonded over that. Naturally after a while I developed a bit of a crush on her. And she didn't seem to be too horrified by me, so I thought maybe I could muster some courage and ask her out or something. I mean, I never took notes in class, I'm not sure I even paid attention, I'd just sneak peeks of her ample knockers when I could. Oh and guys, she loved wearing tight sweaters. (wink wink) But once she missed class and I actually took notes that day because I knew she'd come to me when she got back. You see? I was thinking. Using my head for something other than growing hair out of. So anyways we were in class one day and I was scratching my arm and she noticed my tattoo. And she asks, "Cool, you have a tattoo? Can I see it?" I'm like "Well, heck yeah!" So I'm all proud of myself as I'm showing it to her. In my head I'm thinking "yes I'm in!" As she's checking it out she says, "My boyfriend just got one with a rose on it because that's my middle name". And that was it. All hopes and dreams (but not fantasies ha ha) were extinguished like a 13 year old's cigarette trying not to get caught by his parents. I don't even know what she said after that. I stopped listening. I knew her for like 2 months and she never mentioned a boyfriend. Where the fuck did he come from?! So yeah, I stopped listening. I was sending those boobies a fond farewell in my mind. And it's not like I was just trying to "bang" her or anything. I was genuinely interested in her as a total package. A sincere interest. But of course I wouldn't have minded if she beat the shit out of my face and head with those giant fucking titties!

A Notice To All Readers

Some of you out there in Inter-Webs land may have noticed that I haven't been updating as often as I once was. And simply it's because I haven't had a whole lot to bitch about lately. I am really content with where I'm at in life right now. Both my girlfriend and I have jobs we like, and mine isn't a bad one, plus I'm pretty good at it. And I've been reading a lot lately while I've been at work, which cuts into my writing time. Also since the NFL season had begun, I'm usually preoccupied with football on the weekends when I'd typically be posting. And there has been a lot of beer getting in the way too. So I just haven't been angry enough to put the pen to the paper. But I do have a lot of stuff stored up to put out and I have a good deal of pics to sort through that you guys have sent me. So look for an update or two to feature your submissions. But other than that, enjoy everything else. Take Care.

Another Stupid List

Here is my list of coolest Current T.V. Characters.

1. Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs - He's the baddest T.V. character ever!
2. Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo - He is the next in line to succeed Gibbs when he retires.
3. Lois Griffin - Because I have a thing for hot red head cartoon characters. Like Ariel from the Little Mermaid.
4. Mary Shannon - Ever watched In Plain Sight? She's the reason I do. Such a badass chick!
5. Dr. Gregory House - If I was a doctor, I'd want to be like him. He's biggest coolest dickhead ever.
6. Barney Stinson - Neil Patrick Harris is a cool dude and the life he breathes into Barney is just amazing. I love that character.
7. Frylock - He is a floating carton of french fries that shoots lasers from his eyes. Need I say more?
8. The Mythbusters Crew - If I could switch jobs with anyone it would be either Adam, Jaime, Tory, or Grant. But not Kari 'cause she's a girl. No questions asked.
9. Patrick Jane - If you haven't watched the Mentalist yet, try it. I'm 80% sure you'll like it. He's the main reason.
10. Supervisory Special Agent Derek Morgan - He is the muscle and heart of the Criminal Minds FBI BAU. Bottom Line.
11. Charlie Harper - I'm glad Charlie Sheen found a role he's good at. Mainly because it's actually him. But he's definitely my biggest role model.
12. Jeremy Wade - He isn't a character he's an actual person, and this motherfucker can catch some motherfucking radical catfish.
13. Special Agent G. Callen - If anyone is going to star in a west coast version of NCIS I'm glad it's him.
14. Special Agent Sam Hannah - The only person I'd want as Callen's partner. Plus he's played by LL Cool J.
15. Special Agent Seeley Booth - I think I have a thing for special agents, but whatever. Booth is a good catholic man's man. And I wanna see him bang Bones.
16. Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan - Even though she is so literal and that annoys the fuck out of everyone, I'd still like to see her and Booth hook up at some point.
17. Jeff Bingham - He's another man's man, and he reminds me of myself.
18. Nick Stokes - The only CSI character good enough to make my list. He is cool and he's been with the show for a while. He's the only reason I watch the original.
19. Dr. Raymond Langston - I was mistaken. He is also on the original CSI and I dig him too. I like seeing him and Nick Stokes solve crimes together.
20. Al Michaels - Ok he isn't a character either, but he is on T.V. and I am a huge fan of his. If you read my story about have color commentary while receiving a BJ you'd know this already.

Size Does Matter

Has anyone else noticed the new smaller bottle caps the soda companies are using on bottles now? Like on 20 & 24 ounce bottles. They're supposed to be smaller to save on the amount of plastic being used. But personally I feel all they've done is make it harder to put the cap back on. Maybe it's just me, bit I have a little trouble from time to time when I go to put the cap back on now. And I understand the idea, but how much plastic are they really saving? Don't get me wrong, it is a noticeable difference, obviously if it hampers my ability to recap the bottle, but it really isn't a huge difference. Is it? But I suppose it's better than alternative ideas I could come up with. I'm surprised they didn't leave the caps as they were and just make smaller bottles for the same price in order to save plastic. That would be a good sound corporate idea. "Let's give the consumer assholes less product, but for the same price. That'll save plastic. And we're thinking GREEN!!"

With an emphasis on the word green. Get it?

Always Screwing With Somebody

OK, so one of my favorite video games is Battlefield Bad Company 2 and I love killing motherfuckers on that game. So one thing I thought might be fun to do is create another online profile as a woman and go online and kill all of the guys that wouldn't be able to be out done by a female. Because that's most of them. I, myself really don't care who gets the best of me, because I will find you and kill you...... eventually. But a lot of guys can't handle it if a "girl" gets the better of them. Some guys just don't understand that women can figure out video games too. Like it's something only men are genetically disposed to be better at. Dumbasses. So that's what I wanna do. If I could get a few more guys to help me with this, that would be great. Plus we'd all have girlie names/gamertags like TightPie_Girl or SuziHomeWrecker or PWND_by_a_Girl or Grrrrl_Power, you get what I mean. And our 3 digit clan tag could be GRL or something. Or even LEZ if you catch my drift. Sounds like a solid idea to me. What do you think?

WORD!

Alright, we're gonna talk about words now. No intro, no lead in. I'm just gonna jump right in it. Have you ever noticed the word SPEECH is spelled with 2 Es but the word SPEAK is spelled with an EA? Aren't these words very similar in what they represent? Isn't that fucking stupid? Why would we do that? No wonder people have trouble learning to read in this country. And there's another one by the way, READ. I can't READ (sounds like REED) very well. But I already READ (sounds like RED) that book. Why are they spelled the same way? And we bitch because illegals don't learn how to speak English? You try teaching them the difference. I work with a guy who goes by the name Monte (sounds like MONTY). And for some reason the black people we work with can't pronounce the T and they call him Monny, at least that's how it sounds, you know? So I'm like you should go by MUNTE so when they leave the T out it sounds like they're calling you Munny (sounds like money). Then they could be like "What up, Munny?!" And why is it the blacks can't pronounce their Ts but the change Ds to Ts? You know what I mean? "Man, this sandwich is goot!" No, No, you mean gooD. Why is that so difficult for black people? Something I've been doing lately when I cuss is add the word "sticks" to the end of it. So instead of saying "Aw shit!" I'm saying "Aw shit sticks!" It sounds funnier to me that way. Also it sounds less abrasive that way. Kinda like "fiddle sticks" which is actually how I adapted the phrase to begin with. I was trying to stop cussing and instead of saying "fuck" I'd say "fudge" or "fiddle sticks" but that sounded kinda gay after a while so I started saying "fuck sticks" which shouldn't be confused with "fuckstick". I'm saying "fuck sticks", that's two words, "fuckstick" the name you call someone is one word. And along we move without transition. Next time you're listening to music try to replace two syllable words like baby, honey, mama, child (words like that) with the words nigger, nigga, or negro. Guarantee you it'll liven up that song a little bit. Unless you're listening to rap, then they probably already use those words anyway. This is especially easy to do if you're listening to David Lee Roth, ORIGINAL VanHalen, or anything Zakk Wylde sings. But any 2 syllabled noun like, but not limited to, the above words can be replaced and it is funny. I know you're gonna try it. Go ahead, I do it. Just don't sing it out loud if you're near black people or overly sensitive white people. Have you seen that shit? White people who get offended by nigger? Now, I'm not saying it's OK to say, but why would a white person get offended by nigger? We (white people) made it up to degrade people, now even we're offended by it? It isn't offensive to us, it's guilt. White people feeling guilty. But I don't feel a fuck stick bit guilty. Keep on keeping on my niggas!

Random Thoughts and Ideas

• Now that I have a few fingernails I find myself scratching.......my self. Just at random times because I'm not used to having nails. And the other night I was rolling over in bed and wrapping myself up and I gouged the MOTHERFUCK out of my left nipple. Shit, that really hurt. It hurt so much I thought I drew blood. I'm surprised I didn't.
• Does anyone else miss the Cult? I sure do. I think 'She Sells Sanctuary' is one of my favorite songs ever. I know it's my favorite Cult song, hands down. Every once in a while I catch one or two of their videos on VH1 Classic when I'm watching Metal Mania and I love it. Ian Astbury looks like a Pirate/Gypsy hybrid. And Billy Duffy always has one of two guitars, an old semi-hollow body or a white Les Paul Custom. And their songs are great. 'Love Removal Machine', 'Fire Woman'. Also remember back in 2001 they released an album with 'Rise' on it? That was bad ass.
• And while we're reminiscing, aren't we glad Warrant is no longer around? Or are they? If they are, no one knows about it. Which doesn't bother my ass any. You know what would be cool? If Glenn Danzig went psycho and killed Jani Lane on national TV or at least on an easily accessible website. That would be fuckin' cool.
• While we're talking about music related acts, I've never gotten to see Collective Soul live. And I'm not sure why. Ever since I heard their 2nd album, their self titled album, I have been enamored by their music. And I know it's probably not in line with what you'd expect from me, but Collective Soul is honestly one of my favorite bands. The way they write their songs is so smooth and Ed Roland's voice is so...... I don't even know how to describe it. But anyways, that's some truly good and positive music to listen to.
• I like football teams with white helmets. My high school had white helmets and the cool thing is you get colors from other teams on your lid. Know what I mean? You "trade paint" basically with the teams that you play. So it's like a collection of "scars" for your helmet. And in this case, the more you have, the better.
• Ever notice how you forget how good Skittles are until you have a few? We seem to take Skittles for granted. We know they're good, but we forget about how good they are until we eat some and then it's like "Holy Shit! How did I forget how much I liked these little bastards?!"
• Being someone who has grown up around black people I have to say I love listening to black people talk about each other. When they're just sitting around goofing on each other. Or talking smack or whatever they call it. I call it "goofing" it's just fun and I enjoy it. Just don't get too close to the action or they'll suck you into too. And that's never any fun.

Quote of the Month

Alright boys and girls, it's time for our September Quote of the Month. Recently the OSU Buckeyes played the Miami Hurricanes in NCAA football, and a friend of mine that I watched the game with likes to say "Fuck You" whenever the coach of OSU's opposing team is shown on television during big games. So all through out the game he'd say "Fuck you, Randy Shannon!" every time they showed him on the side lines. Every once in a while he'd extend his exclamation to what has become our September Quote of the Month. "Fuck you, Randy Shannon! You have two first names and one's a girl's!" So there you have it. Our September Quote of the Month. There's no additional explanation for this one. No moral lesson to be learned this month. It's pretty simple, Fuck You, Randy Shannon.

Bring Your Juke Box Money....

What ever your feelings on the B-52s or their music is, you have to admit 'Love Shack' is a pretty cool, funky song. Am I right? C'mon, am I right? YES! Yes, I am. Fred Schneider is pretty damn queer, but that's why his voice is so damn good on that song. The back up vocals fit just right and it's up beat with out being too overly pop like. Simply put it's a well written and well performed song. And it's simple in it's structure. It's not too over the top, it's just right. And it's fun too, isn't it? You can dance around while you listen it. Everyone knows the lyrics by now, so you can sing along with it too. And I know you do. When no one is looking you boogie down with this song. And that's OK. I do it too, it's a good song. So is 'Rock Lobster'.

Who Am I Gonna Call?

So, apparently the father of the previous tenant where my girlfriend and I live died while staying with his son. Did you hear that? He died in our apartment. And after my girlfriend first moved in, before I moved in, she noticed some weird stuff happening. Like the blinds on the front door would move for no reason the closet in the front room would open on it's own. You'd hear doors open and close in other rooms. Plus my girlfriend would wake up in the middle of the night with a distinct feeling that someone was watching over her. Then the more I stayed over the more I'd notice these things too. Except for waking up feeling like someone was watching me. And then the other night I was laying in bed with my box fan blowing on me and I noticed the fan change pitch. Like someone was walking in front of it. Kinda like the sound was blocked momentarily. And that freaked me the fuck out. Do you people out there believe in ghosts at all? I'm not sure yet, but I have experienced some things that would lead me to believe that they may exist. I know that sounds like bullshit coming from me-Mr. Realist-over here, but if this shit has me believing, there may be some possibility, right?

GAME ON

There's this guy I (used to) work with that claims his sister is ranked 3rd in the world on Call of Duty. And she gets paid to play in tournaments. Professional Tournaments. Now, this is something that could be a fabrication, but of all things to make up a lie about, this hardly seems like something to make up. Plus he seems like a stand up kinda guy I so I tend to believe him. Anyway, his sister gets paid to play video games essentially. I was always told as a kid that I couldn't do that? I remember my dad asking "What are you going to with your life? Are you going to play video games forever? Do you plan on being the Nintendo Champion of the World?" And I knew he was being overly sarcastic about it. So looking back, I'm disappointed. I could have played video games for a living. I could have been 'Nintendo Champion of the World'. I don't know now since I was discouraged at such a young age. And the fucked up thing is I still play video games. But I have to pay for them. It's backwards! I want to get paid to play. This is bullshit!!

Of course there is a high level of sarcasm in the above bit. I never really wanted to play video games for a living, and I don't hold anything against my dad for this situation. But the reality of it is fucked up because I do still play frequently and had there been a chance to do it for a living and I missed I would be sad. :(

My girlfriend is learning to play the bass guitar right now and for some reason I find that so cool. I'm not sure why. She wanted to learn to play guitar, but my brother and I both agreed it may be easier for her to learn bass first. either way it's cool. It gives us one more thing to share with each other. We have so much in common already that it was scary at first when we realized how much we have in common. Since we've met she's taken an interest in a lot of things I do, like guitar, playing video games, brewing beer, stuff like that. It's really cool actually. I guess I owe her. I should probably learn to like something that she really likes to do too. It's only fair, right? Well it shouldn't be about what's fair, but I should do it anyways just because. Otherwise I'm being selfish. Shhh, I'm not sure if she reads this shit or not. Don't say anything to her. I'll handle my bidniz on my own.

A Declaration

So it's no secret that I'm a Cincinnati Bengals fan and I'll proudly admit to it, but what annoys me is people who feel the need to ask "Seriously?" when I tell them or say "I'm sorry" like I have cancer or something. Fuck you, you can't say anything I haven't heard. Besides I'm a lifelong fan. I'm used to it. Real fans are unwavering not fair weather. That's what casual observers don't understand. It's easy to bounce around to whoever is popular or doing well, but not to tough it out for a couple of decades while your team is the laughing stock of the league. Let's put it this way, in my case there is no doubt I'm, a real, true, dyed in the wool fan because when was Cincy's last great season? Last season was good, the '05 season was good, bu I think the '88-'89 season was the last great season and that was 20 years ago! So let's say in 1988 I, as an eight year old, did decide "Hey, these guys are good, I'll be a fan of theirs." OK, the scene is set. I'm an 8 year old band wagon fan. Well after 20 years of poor play, lazy arm tackles, humiliation, basically being shit on by everyone, I have earned my stripes! But that isn't how it happened. In fact when I was born my dad put a football in one hand, and a Bengals pennant in the other. Then for good measure he spiked me like an endzone celebration. Seriously, it's in my blood. It's in my fucking blood! So, Who Dey?!

A Simple Solution

I was thinking the other day about the state of our country and I came up with a way to solve a few problems in one blow.

1. Unemployment rate
2. Out of work black people
3. Out of control white kids

It's hard enough finding a job right now, and I'm white. I'd imagine it may be harder if you're black. And I'm sure most people are fed up with the out of control white kids these days. No one wants to spank their kids anymore. No one wants to discipline their children at all and that's just lazy bullshit. Now, my dad isn't my favorite person, but he rarely had to get physical with me because he had voice control over me. We both knew when or if I was doing something wrong, no questions asked. My mom didn't have that. But she didn't have a problem with spanking me either. In fact I still remember the last time I was whipped by my mom. She was using her hand and I laughed. She turned around, grabbed a hair brush and used that. FUCK! After that all she had to do was ask, "Do I have to get the hair brush?" even if I didn't know what it was that I was doing wrong I'd sit idle for 5 - 10 minutes. Fuck that hair brush. So anyway, my idea is to hire black men to beat these white kids. they get jobs out of it, that helps the rate of unemployment, and maybe it'll settle these fucking untrained children down. "Do you want me to call in the black man? I didn't think so. Now settle down you little fuck." If my parents threatened me with a beating from a black guy, I'd straighten the fuck up!

Let's Go to the Movies

Today I'd like to tell you all about a favorite movie of mine. It wasn't a major motion picture so you've probably never heard of it. But it is a George A. Romero movie, so you know it's good. I originally found out about this movie when I was immersed in the world of the Misfits. They needed a director for their video for the song 'Scream' and Romero needed a few songs for a movie and a band to perform in the finale scene of the movie. So it was an even trade. The movie is called 'Bruiser' and it is great. You know when someone pisses you off or offends you or hurts your feelings and you go through all the ways you'd like to hurt them in your head? That's what the movie is about. The main character, Charlie, is stepped on by everyone. His best friend (an accountant) is stealing money from him. His wife treats him like shit and is cheating on him with his boss who undercuts everything he says/does. Then one day he wakes up with out a face. He has a blank white face. I believe it's symbolism for how he typically blends into the background and never really stands out. So he has no face and he gets to exact his revenge on everyone from his thieving maid to his prick of a boss. It's pretty good for a low budget film. Plus the sound track is decent too. Maybe I'm a little bias because this is my kind of a revenge movie, but you should still check it out. Besides, most of you can probably pirate it off of the Internet anyways, so it won't cost you anything.

OK, this might piss off some of you "real music" fans out there, but doesn't James Taylor have some of the most pussified music ever written? Now, I realize he has been around for awhile, and he is a terrific song writer, but god damn, some of his shit is so gay it makes my penis shrivel and then go concave inside of me like an inside out penis forming a makeshift vagina. Or actually a mangina in this case. In other words, James Taylor's music is mangina inducing. Am I wrong? I don't think so. It's like Axl's song 'This I Love' on 'Chinese Democracy', it's such a ball-less song. And for Axl to be such a controlling tyrant bad ass, and then write such a shitty song really makes you wonder, you know? I mean where is that guy's head at sometimes? It just baffles me. But back to my original point, James Taylor, I respect you and all you have accomplished, but c'mon, let your nuts hang and try writing a few tunes for us to enjoy. Just walk around fully clothed with you balls hanging out of your zipper and see what that inspires inside of you. It's cool, I do it too.

Our Author Finds His Inner Self

You know I realized something the other day. I am a fairly fortunate and busy human being. Of course shit doesn't always go the way you'd like it to, but when is everything ever perfect? I've got a decent full time job that I actually enjoy for the most part. I have a video game addiction that I am able to support (through the services of Gamefly and Xbox Live). I play guitar, I finally got the Gibson Les Paul I've wanted forever, I brew my own beer. I live with a girlfriend whom I've been with for almost 5 years now. We rarely argue (unless we're playing Borderlands). My car is still in fairly good shape, even though my 'check engine light' just came on, but I have a very good knowledge of automobiles so I already may know what's wrong with it. My family may be dysfunctional, but the members I still talk to are the best people in my life. And after this past weekend, I think I have some of the best damn friends I could ask for. So things aren't as bad as they could be. It just feels sometimes like there just isn't enough time in the day. Do you know what I mean? I guess you'll have that no matter who you are. I hope all of my readers are fortunate enough to be happy and enjoy life.

Did You Hear That?

Back when I was in high school I didn't keep many people close to me. In other words, I didn't have many friends. But that was never an issue because I didn't like many of the people I went to high school with anyways. But there was one guy I wanted to physically abuse. I can't remember his name, but he was a hardcore punk. Which there is nothing wrong with that. But he constantly made fun of the music everyone else listened to. Or just put down the people instead. He was into bands like, Pennywise, NOFX, Crass, Rancid stuff like that. All bands I have enjoyed at one point in time or another (except maybe Crass). But he was relentless to everyone else. He acted like all metal was like the band Nelson or something. Very annoying and sometimes hurtful to people. Now I may not be a fan of every kind of music, and I'll talk shit about it if I think it's terrible, but I'd never put anyone down because of what they listened to. I mean I may goof on the people that are close to me, but I wouldn't directly put them down, you know? I have some CDs like Kylie Minogue, Gerri Halliwell, Shania Twain, stuff you wouldn't think I was into, stuff that I'm sure some of you will give me shit about, but so what? Why put someone down because of it? No matter what you or I or that jackass in high school or anyone else for that matter, no matter what WE listen to, we do it for the same reasons. That's universal, and isn't that what's important? It's a release, an escape from everything. An escape from guys like that shithead in high school in fact. I wish I could remember that dude's name. It was Chad or Zach or something with that long A sound in it. but oh well, fuck him. And praise you if you agree with me.

You know, one good thing did come from that fucker. He drew me a picture of what he considered a "heavy metal lead singer" to be and it was great. He drew a picture of this guy in spandex pants with a leopard print vest on wearing a Police Man's hat screaming into a microphone. It was great I kept it in my locker for like 2 years.

Here We Go Again

Once again it's time for a piece that didn't make it out in time and is almost irrelevant at this point.

So it's August once again, and football season is almost upon us. Hell the preseason has already commenced and once again this year we are forced to go through another Brett Favre saga. As of today (8/18/2010, see? Almost irrelevant.) it appears as though Brett, good ole' number 4 will be returning to the Vikings for his 20th season. And guess what? I am tired of this shit. He should make his fucking mind up a lot sooner than mid-August as to whether or not he's coming back. If not to keep the sports media in check, then just for Tarvarius Jackson's mental benefit. Besides fuck that traitor anyways. He is the same type of asshole that Lebron James is. Or Johnny Damon. What a bunch of traitorous fuckfaces. Especially Johnny and Brett. LeBron followed the money, but Johnny and Brett joined rivals of their former teams. I think most people know by now that I'm a berserk Bengals fan, and if Carson Palmer left Cincinnati to join Cleveland or Pittsburgh or some shit like that, I'd flip my fucking lid! I understand free agency and sometimes you have to do what you have to do, but these guys fucked a lot of fans over. Fans that made them who they were/are. So in other words.......Fuck These Dickheads!!

A Real Nail Biter...

Here's something fucked up I realized the other day. I have no idea how long my fingernails should be. You see, I'm a chronic masturb....... I mean, nail biter and I am trying to let my nails grow out. So far I have both my thumbs nails and the nail on my right pointer finger coming in nicely as well. So the nail on my left thumb (the first I grew out) got pretty long and I wasn't sure if it was too long or not. And I thought, "Imagine that, I'm almost 30 years old and I have no idea what an appropriate length for my nails are." Plus now the thing interferes when I'm texting or getting on motherfucking Facebook from my phone. So I just want to bite the fucker off! But I'm going to make a serious attempt to grow out all 10 of my nails. Even if I have to do it one nail at a time. And my fingers are all jacked up now. I have progressed from just nail biting to chewing the skin off too. And the fingertip areas on my left and look dry and peeling too because I've started playing guitar more lately now that I have my (Gibson) Les Paul at my place. In other words, my hands are OK, but my fingers are gross. And they have a lot of red tissue looking fleshy areas exposed as well. So those places are all stingy and shit. But you know what? I can fucking take it 'coz I'm a real man, bro!

The Burning Returning

Once again we will visit a few topics that are 'Burning" me like Jim Rome.

• Gas Station Stereos - What is up with these motherfuckers that leave their stereos blasting while they are at the gas station? It's usually black people, but even when it's white people it's always rap. I had to listen to fucking "music" that was loud and proclaiming YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA over and over again. STOP THAT SHIT, it pisses me off.
• ATM Lanuage - Why are there 3 languages at my ATMS now? And what fucking language is "Sii Wado"? It means continue I guess, but what fucking language is it? "Continuar" I know is Spanish, but what the fuck is the other one?
• Finding Money - Yes, I hate finding money. Because it's usually my money I find. Except for a few bucks here or there it's usually my money I find. Oh look a $20 bill, now I have $40! Oh no, it was my twenty, I still only have $20.
• Crowns - Why do people call Crayons, crowns? Seriously, why? Cray-On. How do you get crown out of that? Are you not able to read correctly? That can be fixed. But so can your face if I have to punch you. Stop it! They're CRAY-ONS
• White Pants - I hate when women wear white pants and you can see through them, but they get mad if you stare. Don't wear them then. You walk by and I can tell what color your fucking panties are and I'm not supposed to check you out? Then wear a fucking burqa you tease!

A Quick Change Up For You

Here is a new twist on an old favorite. It's a new list, but in stead of a "Top Ten" list, it's a "Top Eleven" list. Mainly because I had 11 things to include in the list and didn't want to cut one out. So here's my top 11 favorite video games. They're in reverse order because I can't figure out how to start with 11. So number 1 is 11 and 11 is 1. Get it? It doesn't really matter, just read the shit and agree with me.

1. Assassin's Creed 2(Xbox 360) - Because it's the first Xbox 360 game that I was able to unlock all of the achievements on. It was no easy feat, even my girlfriend helped me to accomplish this.
2. Madden(All Consoles) - Even if there are a few clunkers from time to time, they will always be the best NFL/football games ever. Seriously, am I wrong?
3. Donkey Kong Country(SNES) - If you've never played this game, that sucks. That really does. It spawned 2 sequels, but they didn't compare to the original. Instant classic!
4. Grand Theft Auto 3(PS2) - This game was revolutionary in 3D game play. It had an open world environment like nothing else before it. And it opened a lot of doors for future games.
5. Grand Theft Auto 4(PS3/360) - All of the games between 3 & 4 seemed like filler to me, leading up to the climax that is GTA4. Both PS3 and Xbox 360 versions were great.
6. Battlefield Bad Company 2(Xbox 360) - Say what you want about Call of Duty, but this is what I imagine real combat to be like. The best military game ever, until maybe later this fall.
7. Worms Armageddon(PS1/PC) - This was a simple game. A basic turn based strategy game where you control a team of 4 worms and you fucking kill other worms. Violently fun.
8. Double Dragon 2 The Revenge(NES) - The first was awesome, but the sequel let 2 players play. It let my brother and I play as the Lee brothers and kick ass side by side for the first time.
9. Contra(NES) - If you need to know why this is on the list, this list has probably been a waste of time for you. Contra is one of the greatest games EVER. And I'm not the only one that thinks that. Everyone does.
10. Super Mario Bros.(NES) - The Originator. The video game that began my gaming career, as well as millions and millions of other people in the 1980s. That's all I have to say.
11. Metal Gear Solid(PS1/PS2/PS3) - This is the entire series I'm talking about here. Never have I been as sucked into a game as I am with MGS. From the first one on the original Playstation to the 4th installment on the Playstation 3, the BEST GAMES EVER.

Is anyone else a fan of 'Looking Out My Back Door' by Creedence Clearwater Revival? Boy, I'm a huge fan. Are any of you out there? There's a scene in the movie 'The Big Lebowski' where the Dude is driving around in his car with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other. As he finishes his joint he goes to flip the roach out of his window, but the window isn't down (it was damaged recently when his car was stolen) so it bounces off the window and lands between his legs. So he freaks and pours his beer on it to keep from burning his balls! Then he crashes into a light post during this whole debacle. All the while "Looking Out My Back Door' was playing on his car radio. Goddamn that's my favorite movie. My buddy "Kirk" and I used to watch that all the time. We even drank White Russians in tribute to the movie. Plus we sang karaoke to the song once or twice too while we were drunk off our asses. The song calms me and makes me think of nothing but good times. So fuck you if you don't like CCR.

A Nagging Update:

So I finally silenced that nagging, burning sensation in my head. HA! Nagging, burning sensation, I feel like John Madden in an athlete's foot commercial. But anyways, after going through all of my New York Dolls CDs and still feeling that need that there was a CD that I just HAD to listen to, I found it. It was Black Label Society's 1998 debut release 'Sonic Brew'. This is by far my favorite BLS album. Also one of my favorite CDs of all time. It shouldn't have been much of a surprise when I put it in my car's CD player and instantly felt relieved. So I've regained a little bit of my sanity.....for now. By the way, if you're reading this and you don't own 'Sonic Brew' you should probably go out and buy a copy. Or illegally download it off the Internet. But make sure you get the version with the 'No More Tears' cover song on it. It's pretty badass! But since Zakk Wylde helped write it, it pretty much has to be badass.

Have you ever been in some sort of an unexplained mental/emotional, discontent, irritated, depressing fucking funk? What the fuck causes that? You know, it's like you don't want to do anything or be around anyone, ANYONE, ANYONE at all. And even just the thought of being around yourself is too much to deal with. What causes that? Why does that happen? And, more importantly, how do you move past it? That's the worst part, isn't it? You know the whole situation is bullshit, yet you can't prevent it from continually dragging you down. And whether you try to move on and battle this shit, or you let it consume you and just wait it out, the outcome is the same. You're miserable and don't know why. No one wants to be around you because you're insufferable, which is fine because you don't want anyone around to view your pathetic display. In the end you're left with disillusionment and a sense of abandonment that you can't shake for days at a time. But it is important to remember that no matter how low you get or how bad you feel, and end will always come. Just hope that end doesn't include a bullet and you'll be just fine, my friends. That is the important part. Remember that.

I D.A.R.E.You

Years ago when I was in my early 20's I used to get into a lot of shit A LOT OF SHIT! Usually my buddy "Kirk" was involved with this shit too. And one night he and I hit up happy hour at Applebee's and got loaded. Then we went to his place to hang out. His goofy roommate had recently bought a can of air duster and we decided to play with it. So basically we huffed like half the can for fun. While we were still drunk. Then we went to my place and I happened to have like 3 hits left in a pipe (weed) in my bedroom, so we finished that off. Next I went to my freezer where I almost always had a bottle of Bacardi 151 spiced rum and we mixed it 50/50 with generic Cherry Coke and we smashed 32oz cups of that shit! At some point later that night I remembered that back in the 5th grade I won a D.A.R.E. award. I thought, "My, my, haven't I come a long way?" That night I had a D.A.R.E. moment.

Here's the Key....

Check this out, a few weeks ago my girlfriend lost her keys, well, she misplaced them. And we were looking everywhere for them. Somehow the tables got turned on me and I was like "Hey, I never have trouble finding my keys." And she goes "That's because you always put them in the same place by the T.V." Like that is incorrect of me to do. Now you know why I do that. Now you know why I always put my keys in the same place. That's why we never have to rip the place apart looking for my keys. So somehow I was the bad guy because my keys weren't missing. Well, I quickly turned the tables around because I found the damn keys. After that I had 2 sets of keys next to the T.V. Well, until she lost..... I mean misplaced them again.

I've also bought this big wooden key that you hang from the wall with hooks on it to hang your keys from since then. It is right next to the door. I'm the only one that uses it. But I never have trouble finding my keys.

Hey Let's Celebrate!!

It's a bit late in the year to bring this up, but it's time to celebrate. 2010 marks the 30th Anniversary of a few legendary albums for Rock/Metal. The one album that initially brought this to my attention was Judas Priest's 'British Steel' and I got to thinking, AC/DC's 'Back in Black' came out in 1980 also. So I checked and these other albums also came out in 1980; Iron Maiden's 'Iron Maiden', Motorhead's 'Ace of Spades', Black Sabbath's 1st post Ozzy record 'Heaven and Hell', and Ozzy's first post Sabbath solo record 'Blizzard of Ozz'. And to top it all off, I was born in 1980 as well. So I think it's safe to say 1980 (the year) produced a lot of cool shit. Me included. Well, I'm not just some random shit, but you know what I mean. Alright, so from now on, for the rest of the year, celebrate with me. Raise a toast to Priest, AC/DC, Maiden, Motorhead, Ozzy and Black Sabbath and anyone else that left their monumental mark on the music bizz in 1980. CHEERS!

I Can't Fight This (nagging) Feeling Anymore

Have any of you folks out there ever been in the mood to listen to something specific, but you aren't sure what it is? Do you know what I mean? Like there's one CD that you really want to listen to, but when you go to get it off your CD rack you just can't seem to figure out which one is burning in your head so bad. I fucking hate that, don't you? Or does this just happen to me? Usually it's something I haven't listened to in a while. Like recently I read Slash's book - again and another Guns N' Roses book called 'Reckless Road' - again, so I listened to all of my Guns N' Roses CDs over and over, but something was missing. It was like I was just listening to background music or something. That should not happen when I listen to GN'R. So I scoured my CD collection looking for that one nagging disc that just wouldn't let me be. I thought that I found it. Eventually I came across a pink CD that jumped out at me. It was the New York Dolls' debut album 'New York Dolls'. So I grabbed it and thought I was done with my search, but after listening to it several times that nagging is back. FUCK! What now? Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe I should listen to a Spin Doctors CD. Yeah right!

He's Our Family Guuuuyyyy!

You know, the more I watch Family Guy, the more I figure Adam West must be a pretty cool motherfucker. Besides the fact that he was the original Batman he also voices Mayor Adam West on Family Guy. And if you've seen the show, one might wonder how he became a mayor in the first place. Because they make him look like a fool sometimes, don't they? Other times he looks like a dumb ass. But seriously, how many other celebrities would do that? Not many I'm sure. Also I'm sure a lot would say yes, but when it came time to produce they come up with some bullshit reason why they couldn't do it. Maybe I'm wrong but I doubt it. Although I bet Brad Pitt would do it, if Angelina Jolie would let him. She'd shoot that idea down faster than I shoot down helicopters on Battlefield Bad Company 2. Hugh Laurie was on there as House. That was cool. It combined two of my favorite T.V. shows. Also a picture of Mark Harmon was used once as well, that was cool too. I love NCIS. Uhh, what was I talking about? Oh yes, praise Adam West. And kudos to Hugh Laurie, Mark Harmon, and Brad Pitt.

T.O. Update

As of the time I'm writing this piece (not sure when it would actually get posted) I am just now finding out that T.O. Terrell Owens has signed a one year deal with the Cincinnati Bengals. I am excited and terrified all at the same time with this. The spectrum of possible outcomes is frightening. We could see Ochocinco & T.O. be the best WR duo of the season or we could watch T.O. single handedly tear the Bengals apart and everything in between is possible as well. But Carson Palmer was wanting T.O. in Cincy, so I'll trust him. As T.O. once said, "That's my quarterback!" Except I'm not crying .......yet. We'll see at the end of the season how I'm doing and pass judgement then.

Once again I have just went to the laundromat and cut the same knuckle, in the same place, on presumably the piece of equipment. I have to assume it was the same piece of equipment because I don't know when or how I do it. I just look at my hand and, oh look, a flap of skin is hanging off my knuckle. I have no idea how it even happens.

I'm Going To Ask You One Question

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I Call It the Way I See It

This may be something for you sports fans out there, but still entertaining to read even if you're not. Either way, I'd love this to happen. I thought this up when I was a little hammered the other night. Wouldn't it be great if Al Michaels could give color commentary while you were getting (or giving for you ladies out there) a blowjob? To me that would be fantastic. I love listening to Al calling the football games on Sunday night, he's my favorite. So naturally I think he'd be awesome at announcing a blowjob too. My blowjob. Just imagine the things he would say. And he might need someone to work with so we'll throw Cris Collinsworth in there too as his sidekick. Al would be like "She's one of the best ball handlers I've seen in a while. She can really work the shaft too! We've seen him like this before, it appears he's getting close to climaxing." Then when the moment comes (excuse the pun) "Oh my, what an eruption! Rope after rope just came spraying out everywhere!" Wouldn't that be awesome!? "Cris, that was one for the ages, what a physically draining 7 minutes of hot action." "She looks like a melted candle for sure out there, Al. The clean up crew have their work cut out for them tonight!"

That would be cool as shit wouldn't it? Or if not Al Michaels, maybe that asshole that does the voice over on 'Worlds Scariest Police Chases' that guy would be a good one too. Imagine that bitchy voice of his, "our featured whore is really working the dong when out of nowhere a load of jizz is launched into the stratosphere with great force!" That guy would be my runner up.

Time for Bold Print (But No Reason for It.)

So does this ever happen to you non-smokers out there? My girlfriend loves to invite people over and go outside to smoke, leaving me alone with the person. Most of the time it's friends so it doesn't matter too much. Plus a lot of our friends smoke too so everyone goes outside to smoke. That's cool though. Even though I get left inside like I'm some kind of leper or something. But quiet time by myself is something I enjoy. Occasionally some of these people I am not very acquainted with and they don't smoke. So when I'm left alone inside with them, there is some awkwardness. Like one of us wants to say something but neither of us really knows what to say. It's worse than my 'when I'm watching football' complaint because football isn't always on to grasp my attention. Oh and by the way, if you're a close enough friend that you know about this blog, and actually read it. I'm not talking about you.

Public Service Announcement

Here is a Public Service Announcement for all of my readers out there.

DO NOT USE YOUR BARE HAND TO SEE IF YOU GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL (or any other cooking device)IS HOT. INJURIES MAY RESULT IF THIS IS ATTEMPTED!!

Is That a Wig?

OK fellas, I have something I need to share with you guys. The other day at work, this black chick had one of the funkiest hair cuts I have ever seen. It was so weird, it's hard to describe, but I'm gonna try! And on a side note, yes, I would have taken a picture if I could have. Words may not serve it justice. So here goes. Imagine in your mind a mullet. A black shiny mullet, but about 3/4 of the way up, it's not just straight hair, it's ropes that wrap around the head. At least it looks like ropes, or cake frosting. you know how they always put a bead of frosting around the edges of a cake? That's what it looked like. Except it was like 4 or 5 "rings" around her head. Got that so far? A black shiny mullet with "frosting rings" around the top part. Then at the very top was just silly ribbon looking shit. Kinda like when you take a straight piece of ribbon and run scissors along the length of it and it causes the ribbon to curl. That's at the very top. So we've got a mullet with 4 or 5 frosting "ropes or rings" around the top 1/4 and then ribbon curls at the very top. And it's all black and shiny like it's soaked in Afro-Sheen or some shit. Hell. That shit sounds cool, it might catch on and sweep the nation. Of course if that did happen I'd have to kill each and everyone of you guys out of love and respect. So, CHEERS!

Quote of the Month

Here's a new bit I'm adding to my shit. "Quote of the Month!!" So this is my quote of the month for August. "This game is gayer than Go Fish!" In reference to the drinking card game 'Asshole'. This past weekend my girlfriend and a couple of our friends were trying to teach my girlfriend's son to play Asshole with us. Well he wasn't awesome at it right out of the gate so he labelled the game "gay". First of all, Asshole is fun and the first many times I played it, I was Asshole quite bit. But I stuck with it and I'm pretty damn awesome now. Secondly "gayer" isn't even a word, so it should have been, "this game is more gay than Go Fish" third and most important, Go Fish is not gay. Go Fish is fun. Of course it's a child's game, but that's OK. Not to mention labeling something "gay" just because you're no good at it isn't right. That's more of a reflection of who you and your values (or lack there of) are and represent. So 4 key points to remember boys & girls.

1. Our Quote - "this game is gayer than Go Fish!"
2. Asshole is not a bad game. It's fun if you take the time to learn. Plus you can play with beer, liquor, or even drugs. Hey I won't judge!
3. Go Fish is also an alright game.
4. "Gayer" is not a word. Please use "more gay" in the future.

Thank You very much. See ya next month for our Quote of the Month.

Double Jointed Jive

Do you guys know anyone who's double jointed? In any way? I'm not just talking about guys that can blow themselves or women that can pin their legs behind their heads and shove their fists up their own asses. Don't get me wrong, that's cool, but not exactly what I'm talking about. I mean any double joint. Isn't it some of the weirdest shit? My left thumb is double jointed and it used to creep people out when I was in school (especially the girls) because it makes my thumb look broken or something. Of course over the course of my lifetime thus far 3 major things have almost eliminated my ability to do it. First of all, at a young age, I became a video game dork, something to this day I still consider myself. Next I began working on cars for a living. And I also started playing guitar. So my hands are almost too big and too strong to do it. Which sucks. But if you've got some spare time, and patience, and a high thresh hold for pain, you too could be double jointed. All you need in addition to the above requirements is a HAMMER. Self mutilation in other words. Beating yourself with a hammer is way cooler than tattoos or piercings. Haven't you heard yet? It's all the rage!

Check this out, the other day I had what looked like a mosquito bite on my left hand. It's just by my knuckle where my thumb & hand meet. Well, after staring at it and examining it, and the fact that it didn't itch I realized it was an ingrown hair follicle that had become infected. Then a day later it started to hurt like a bastard. At the four day mark not one, but two hairs had grown through it and finally there was some form of a head on the fucking thing that looked like a zit. So I tried to squeeze the goo out of it. But at that point the area around it was so red and swollen that it looked like a red nickel. And that sucked. Plus only like a drop of goo came out of it. I looks like I have some sort of an infection other than an ingrown hair on my hand now. And it just hurts, plus now that it's started healing it itches. So it hurts and it itches. And when I scratch it, it hurts more. What's worse is I don't even know how it happened to be on an area like my hand. Have you ever had that? Speaking of ingrown hairs, you have to ask my brother about the one he had in his nose a few years ago. Fuck all of that noise!

This is it at the 5 day mark.

True Fact

True Fact: Actually this is an amazingly true fact. Back in the mid 1980s John Fogerty was sued for plagiarism because he wrote a song that sounded too much like a song written by John Fogerty. You read that right, that's not a typo. He wrote a song that sounded similar to one he already wrote. Of course I'm leaving out a few details, but that's what it boils down to. Years ago John was in a little band called Creedance Clearwater Revival or CCR for short, maybe you've heard of them. And the CCR song in question was 'Run Through the Jungle' and in 1985 John released an amazing solo album entitled 'Centerfield'. On the album was the hit title track 'Centerfield' as well as the hit song 'The Old Man Down the Road' That was the other song in question. You see, Fantasy Records held the rights to the old CCR catalog and his solo career was with a different record company. So Fantasy Records claimed that 'The Old Man Down the Road' sounded too much like 'Run Through the Jungle' and tried to sue him. Eventually Fogerty won the case, but how fucked up is it that he was sued for plagiarizing himself? True Fact.

An Award Winning Short Story

Back when I was a tech working for Ford I got into some hijinks. Especially after I started working on the night shift. Once I was working nights I was part of a crew of young guys that wanted to dick off and party all the time. Just like the Eddie Murphy song. We would make home made flame throwers and shit, try to throw each other into the dumpsters when we took the trash out, hide from the managers, bull shit like that. One time "Brian" and I took one of the gallon hand cleaner containers that only had an inch or two of cleaner left in it and we scooped the remaining hand cleaner out. Next we filled it almost to the top with wheel bearing grease. Then we took the hand cleaner back on top. So now it looks like a new container of hand cleaner. We put it in the wash room by the sink and just waited. A while goes by and our asshole, dickhead, cocksucker manager goes in there to wash his hands. You see, "Fuckface" we'll call him, didn't know shit about cars but liked to poke his nose in every body's shit like he was a master tech. So he goes to wash his hands and like a dumbass he dunks his whole hand into the jug of cleaner (grease) instead of just scooping some off the top like everyone else. Well he flips his fucking lid. At the time I was at the other end of the shop on the phone with my girlfriend or some shit and I thought I heard someone call my name. So after I get off the phone I head down to the parts department and everyone was like "Dude, where have you been?! "Fuckface" is looking for you and he is pissed!" I asked why he was looking for me? "Brian" told me that he dunked his hand in the grease and immediately came out of the washroom screaming my name. I asked how he knew I had anything to do with it? But since I was always involved any time shit went down like that, I didn't really have to ask. So "Brian" tells me that "Fuckface" got all up in his face because he was laughing at him. He asked if he was responsible for it and "Brian" admitted that he had a part in it, but wouldn't give me up. So "Fuckface" tells him, "We'll see how funny it is when you're unemployed!" and walked away from him. So now I'm panicking because I think "Brian" just got fired. He had a young girlfriend with one kid and another on the way, so I didn't want him to get fired. So I track "Fuckface" down and apologize. It was the first time, by the way. I never apologized for the shit I pulled back in the day. But I really wanted "Brian" to keep his job, so I humbled myself. "Fuckface" was still pissed and he wanted to tell the General Manager about what had happened. So all night I was worried that I was gonna lose my job. The next day "Fuckface" gets to work, and I'm watching the front office from the shop, and our GM walks up to him, puts one hand on his shoulder and says, "I heard you got your hands a little dirty last night." as he tries to hold back his laughter. Then pats him on his back and walks away laughing his ass off. "Fuckface" was humiliated. I Win!

Special...Uh...Delivery?

Did you hear about the 2 women in Joplin, Mo. (this past December) that got pulled over for speeding and when the car was searched, the troopers found 20 pounds of pot, marijuana, weed, ganje, chiba, dope, grass, Mary Jane, funk, funny stuff, grefa, gunney, Indian hay, wacky tobacky, bo-bo, cannabis, chronic, well you get the picture. Anyway, some of it was wrapped up like Christmas gifts. Someone didn't get what they asked Santa for, for Christmas. But, oh well, if that's all you want for Christmas, you're probably a loser anyways.

Fuck You, Football is On

Since that time of the year is upon us and Football season is a mere couple weeks away. This is for my football fans out there. You men might be the only ones that understand what I'm saying here, but I think it's important to say. When football is on and I'm watching it, leave me the fuck alone. I have tunnel vision and you aren't in my line of sight. Especially if I'm watching the Bengals. I'll be so engrossed in what's going on that people will be talking to me and I don't even know it. And please, please, please, don't try to hold a serious conversation with me. I am not paying attention! I don't even like to drink when I'm watching Cincinnati play because it diverts too much of my attention away from the game. And something that really makes me go ape shit is when my girlfriend invites people over and they think it's a social function. I don't give a shit, I'm watching football. But what really pisses me off is when other people come over and my girlfriend actually goes outside to smoke (instead of just standing by the open door) because then I'm left alone to entertain our guests. And I don't want to. It's too hard to pretend like I give a shit, and pretend to listen, while I'm paying full attention to the T.V. I'm going "uh huh, oh great, yeah that's nice......YES! FUCK YOU!! Touch Down! I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was listening to Phil Simms and Jim Nantz, not you." You get it now? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

Now I'm Burning

I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with Jim Rome is Burning on ESPN. But Jim Rome is a sportscaster who has is own show (obviously) and the beginning segment of his show is four or five current sport topics that he is "burning" on. So I'd like to introduce my rip-off version of that. I'm not necessarily burning on these subjects, they just bug the shit out of me or they piss me off.

• Black People With Mexican Names - Every black guy I have ever met with a name like Jose, Juan, Manuel, Emmanuel, and so on have been annoying motherfuckers. This needs to stop. Or I am going to have to hurt some of these dickheads.
• Ball Zits - Ever get a zit on your ball sack? I fucking hate that. And by the way it doesn't happen often, maybe once a year. But you'll be feeling around and "oh shit, I found a lump" but then as you squeeze it, shit squirts out of it. Gross.
• Chipped Tooth - The other day I slightly chipped my tooth while biting my nails. I shouldn't be biting my nails first of all, but I chipped a tooth in the process of doing it. What a fit of anger that caused.
• Featuring - Why are all of these fucking songs we see videos for and hear on the radio have to be Someone (featuring so and so)? Doesn't anybody perform their own songs by themselves anymore? Fuck that, that's stupid.
• Munt/Mumf - Have you noticed that this is how black people say the word month? Why? Why? Why is that? It isn't that hard. Month. Read it, month, it's not that hard. I forgot to do something this munt. What? I'll see you next mumf. What? Just stop talking please.

Double Standard Jive

Now, we're going to talk about Double Standards, which aren't always fair, but tend to work out in some one's favor. Now, as a man I have noticed a few which seemed odd to me. 1st is "whores". Remember back in high school or maybe even where you work(ed) there may have been one or two promiscuous women who everyone knew were easy. So they banged a lot of guys. And that would qualify them as "whores" or "sluts" and other nasty names (Personally I would call them "generous"). Now change the scenario to a guy getting laid a lot and he becomes cooler. "Hey, he's the man, he gets to bang all of the chicks!" Sounds like a good deal to me. Next is "virgins". I guess women aren't always too big on virgin men (I may be incorrect) because they're inexperienced. They aren't sure what to do or how to please a woman. That's understandable I guess, but how are we going to learn without practice? Porn? Yeah, that's a lot of help. Not every woman is into anal or drinking buckets of jizz, so porn really is no help. However guys do like virgin women, right? Why? Because they're virgins! Innocent, untouched, untainted by another man. Plus taking a girl's virginity is like earning a really hard achievement on an Xbox game. You can brag about that shit and show it to your friends. Also if nothing has stretched out the VJ it makes your rhythm stick feel bigger. Now, my 3rd double standard is same sex intercourse. I have never heard a woman say that she found 2 dudes getting it on sexually exciting, attractive or hot in any way, shape or form. Can you prove me wrong? But I think most men, most straight men enjoy seeing two women get it on. Can I get an Amen? I mean c'mon, that's hot. We have no idea why, but it's hot. What's better than two chicks dyking it out? More naked chicks added to the mix! Especially if they're related, like sisters or something. Or any number of women and one guy, as long as you're the one guy, right? C'mon, am I right? Ahhh, I know I am. Even if I'm not it doesn't matter. This is my website.

For Real, Yo!

Can anyone tell me why all of the current musical stars and hit makers are all women? Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Shakira, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, where are all of the men? Well, I guess gender really shouldn't be an issue, but what's with all of the shitty cookie cutter pop music? Where have all of the real musicians gone? You know, people that play their own instruments, write their own songs, stuff like that. I sure can't wait until the new Black Label Society, Trvium, and Murderdolls CDs come out. The new Avenged Sevenfold Cd 'Nightmare' is a fucking breath of fresh air. Especially compared to this shit I have to listen to at work. We have to listen to a radio station that plays nothing but current pop music and dance hits. It makes me want to drink myself into a coma. If I'm lucky I get to hear 'Hey, Soul Sister' by Train and 'If You Only Knew' by Shinedown. And I'm not even sure how Shinedown made it to this radio station. They certainly would never play 'Sound of Madness' or 'Second Chance' so hearing Shinedown just baffles me to no end. Train I understand, it's soft rock mixed with pop, but I have a soft spot for Train. They're a guilty pleasure of mine, just like 'LEGO' video games and Vietnamese women. But that's a little off topic. Hell even another Green Day CD or whatever the fuck they do now that's all over produced like a Miley Cyrus CD with an extra guitar player would be welcomed. Not that I'd purchase it, but I'd listen to it. At the very least I'd have my brother burn me a copy like he did with '21st Century Breakdown', because I know if Green Day releases something, he is going to get it. But I'm like that when it comes to my favorite bands too. So I'm rambling again, that's nice.

Bottom line: I miss good music. And I don't think I'm alone on that.

Some Gross Fucker

Okay, so people that know me may consider me to be a bit of a germophobe, which I guess I am to an extent. But it's only sometimes. In certain situations I have to wash my hands a lot, or I like to clean up and not be dirty. Mostly I think I'm just trying to be sanitary, but I guess once in a while I can go overboard. Not like Howie Mandel or nothing. I haven't used so much Purell that my hands won't produce natural anti-bodies any more. But I think I have an idea why. Back when I was in the 4th grade I had to sit next to one of the dirtiest kids in school. His name may have been Matt or something. He was a good artist by the way, but he was also dirty. One day he and I were talking and he does one of these things where he rubs his nose starting with his finger tips and goes up to his wrist. As he pulls his hand away, somehow he slings nose fluid at me. Seriously. A drop hit my arm, a drop hit my face, and a drop hit me in my eye. That's right, right in my fucking eye! I didn't want to cause a scene so I act like it didn't happen. I puke a little into my mouth and I have an inner freak out. I wanted to come unhinged and flip my desk over, throw my chair at him, and yell "You just flung snot into my fucking eye, you dirty fucking cock smoker! I'm going to kill you!" I wish I could go back in time and prevent that from happening. that shit seriously fucked me up.