This is for my brother. Sorry bub, Spiderman is dead. That raid shit really works.

Good, Fuck 'Em

Have you noticed that the paparazzi have been getting beaten up lately by celebrities? Good, fuck 'em. Personally I don't give a rat's ass about celebrities personal lives, however a lot of people do. That's mindless isn't it? Is your life so bankrupt, that what's going on in the lives of people you've never met is actually that interesting to you? Not me. And I feel sorry for you if that's you. Besides, even celebrities are people and as people we all deserve our own personal space. Like at least a 2 foot diameter around you. If someone enters that personal area, penalize them for their violation. If it's on purpose anyways. If someone just bumps into you, don't beat the shit out of them. Same thing goes for celebrities. Personally I don't give a fuck about Gene Simmons, he's a cocksucker. But he had to penalize someone, and good for him too. Also I heard Amy Winehouse recently got into an altercation. Good for her too. I'm not sure why you would want to get that close to Amy Winehouse, because she looks like she might smell a little. Or a lot. But I digress. Bottom line, I want to see more celebrities beating the shit out of people. Then hopefully they'll start beating the shit out of each other. I'd take an interest in that!

Jaguar?

The other day I was at the Thrift Store and I saw a black guy wearing a service/maintenance uniform shirt and I swear his name was Jaguar. By the way, yes, I like to go thrifting. For one you never know what you'll find even if you find something you'll never use, you will more than likely buy something. And secondly I find it soothing. It's calming for me. So there you go. Anyways I think his name was Jaguar, like the animal. And I thought "Wow, only a black guy could pull that off." Seriously, that's my point. If you saw a black guy and his name was Jaguar, you'd think "Hey, that's a fucking cool name." If you saw a white guy named Jaguar you'd think "Wow what a douche bag. What a lame white asshole. How do you get a name like Jaguar?" That's what you'd say isn't it? I would if I was black. I'd change my name to Jaguar. I'd be a cool muthafucka!

These stamps are awesome, but they are only 39 cents. Guess I'll have to lick two of them!

These urinals are great. You know me, I'll take any opportunity to piss all over something beautiful.

This guy has the best FML story ever!!

I love Mythbusters, my brother got me into this shit. So here is the newest bestest Emoticon ever!!

Check this out, straight from motherfucking China the new designer motorcycle helmets! Look stylish as you cruise around like a douche bag with a fucking plastic bag over your child's head. That way when you crash, you can just scoop the kid up and you have a bag to carry him home in.

I want one of these! Hopefully this isn't just a concept car from the Detroit Auto Show.

Don't Fuck with Chuck!

Ever stole some retard's wheelchair and rode it down a flight of stairs? Well I haven't had the opportunity to do it yet either but it sounds like fun doesn't it? Actually the fun part would be pushing the retard sown the stairs and then riding down in their wheelchair and running them over. Fuck 'em, that would be a lot better than being locked away in their closet all day long.

Same thing goes for handi-capable people too. Some of them are victims of unfortunate accidents, but some of them did some really stupid shit that fucked themselves up. So target those assholes. Steal their parking spots. I'm sure most people can run faster than their motorized wheelchairs can go. So throw shit at them. Throw broomsticks in front of them like little shitty speed bumps. Or put the broomsticks in the spokes of their wheels, lock those bitches up. Fuck 'em they get special treatment anyways. Let them know you don't treat them like a cripple. You fuck with them like everybody else.

More proof that Apple is evil.

Yeah, yeah, Apple is evil.

I'm not sure here, but I think Apple may be evil.

This Might Be Gross Too

Do you know what a single gay guy does when he is horny? He shits in his hand and jacks off. You know what would be funny? Throw pieces of shit at a homo and yell at him. Say "Is this shit turning you on?!" Fuckin' doody monsters.

Check This Out

I guess you've noticed that by now, nothing is off limits to me. Gays, cripples, blacks, children, suicide, Jews, celebrities, sports figures, breaking the law, minorities in general or people's feelings, nothing really bothers me. Hey, I'm not prejudice, I hate everyone and everything equally. Oh, add AIDS to that list too. I can goof on AIDS as well. And just to prove it, over the next few updates I'm going to talk shit about each of the above. So fuck you, in fact, fuck everybody, here we go.

A Top 20 List

I have always wanted to have my own band, but never found the time to get one together. And I don't know if I was a good enough guitar player either. Anyhow, I have compiled a list of the 20 coolest band names I could come up with. No particular order, just how I thought of them.

1. Steel - Simple, tells the tale. Steel is metal, so Steel is a metal band.
2. The Bleeding Tongues - Sounds metal to me!
3. Zero 7 - Not sure how I came up with this, but it's been with me for a while now.
4. (The) Body Shop - It just sounds like a cool Rock N' Roll band to me.
5. Foulkens - Kind of a play on the word Falcons. My brother thought of this one and I like it.
6. Sharpshooter - A nod to Bret and Owen Hart. And an old Whitford/St. Holmes song.
7. Berzerkers - Inspired by Zakk Wylde, I like Berzerkers rather than Berserkers. The Z makes it cool.
8. Critical Mass - One of my favorite Aerosmith songs.
9. Super Critical - The next level above Critical Mass.
10. The Suppressed Memories - A personal favorite of mine, plus everyone has them.
11. The Philosopher's Legacy - A nod to Metal Gear Solid 3.
12. Big Boss - Another nod to Metal Gear Solid.
13. Flame Kist - Kinda like Sunkist, I've had this one for a while too.
14. Hammerspeed - Sounds like a cool 80's Metal band.
15. Sewer Surfers - Can't remember where it came from, but as old as Steel and Flame Kist.
16. Keg Killers - Because I like Beer.
17. Too Fast For Drugs - A nod to Motley Crue, plus it sounds really cool.
18. Shredders of Doom - Sounded cool for some reason.
19. Brew Masters - I really like beer. (OK I love it!)
20. The Ocean - One of my favorite Led Zeppelin songs.

Cruisin' in a Cruiser

One of the best parts of working at a Ford dealership was a rare opportunity to drive Police Cruisers around. It feels so empowering. Maybe that's why I drive a Crown Victoria now. But when you are in an Interceptor, people know you're there. I was cruising up the interstate and everyone around me slowed to exactly 65mph. That sucked. After I navigated my way through everyone, I opened that bitch up. I was doing 100mph in no time and it was cool and smooth as shit! I learned to work the lights, sirens and P.A. I know all about them things. Then one time I had one and I noticed that the service shotgun was still in the car. I called a guy over and he looked at it and said it was loaded even! Good thing it was locked up though. Oh, wait the key was on the same key ring as the ignition key. So I could have went somewhere and shot someone, put the gun back and no one would have ever known. I'm telling you, the police cruisers are cool fucking machines!!

FUCK YEAH!!

This was sent to me by "Jorge". This is a Guinness (beer) commercial. It's funny, it's about "sharing". Thanks Jorge!

Do You Really Need the Cane?

Every time I see someone with a cane I want to take it from them. Just to see how well they walk without it. I'll bet most of the time it's not necessary. In fact, there was a trainer at the just I just worked that always had one with him, but it was hanging off of his arm. Fuck that! Just some fake handicapped fuck looking for some sympathy. Well fuck you my friend. Fuck you, you Dr. House motherfucker. I take that back, House actually needs his. Although I want one too. I'd be cool with my cane, plus I'd use it. Not just hang it off my arm. So anyways, given the chance I'll beat you with your cane whether you need it or not. I don't fuck around with sissy cripples.

Did you guys ever see that Myspace Motivational poster where the girl is taking a picture of herself in the bathroom and in the back ground there is a huge turd in the toilet? This is like that. Only this was from Ebay. Nice dress, but how much does the giant dildo in the background cost?

This Might Be Gross

Do you think gay guys mind if the guy they're fucking has diarrhea? Or do you think they just use it as lube? Like "Oh you're so wet!" Yeah he's wet, plus he smells like shit. You must love that too.

Ooh, I can just imagine the amount of hepatitis that gets passed back and forth between those people.

Obama is Alright

I was scared for Obama. As much as people think I'm racist, I still think deep down inside that it's great this country elected a black man to president. I wasn't sure we'd be ready for it yet, but so far so good. Really he's the best of both worlds. He is well spoken, he is clean cut, and he has a wonderful presence, so white people like him. Plus he's half black so black people like him. My only problem would be if black people vote for him because he was black and he got into office and fucked shit up. So far that's not the case. I would have felt the same way about Hilary Clinton too. Don't vote for someone because of what they are, do because of who they are and what they can accomplish. Basically, I don't want him to get into office and actually do a great job only to have some ignorant racist redneck fuck assassinate him. If he does poorly fine do whatever. Kill him and cover it up just like JFK for all I care. Make it look like a suicide. But, if he can make a difference, if he can make a 'Change' then let him do it. In the end, he might just be what this country needs.

OK! OK! Here is a real emergency. Fuck Haiti, there is a bunch of beer in danger of not getting drank. If you feel like supporting and would like to help, just send ME your money and I'll make sure it gets where it needs to be. Thank you all so much! (It's Carlsberg beer by the way, if you were unsure.)

Researchers in Florida today have discovered a new species of the Tiger Shark. This one is half black and half Asian. Apparently it feeds only on women. Be on the look out if you're in the area. Oh and on a side note, did anyone see the cover of Vanity Fair with Tiger Woods on it? He looked like a bad ass thug. You should google it if you haven't already seen it.