Hey Let's Celebrate!!

It's a bit late in the year to bring this up, but it's time to celebrate. 2010 marks the 30th Anniversary of a few legendary albums for Rock/Metal. The one album that initially brought this to my attention was Judas Priest's 'British Steel' and I got to thinking, AC/DC's 'Back in Black' came out in 1980 also. So I checked and these other albums also came out in 1980; Iron Maiden's 'Iron Maiden', Motorhead's 'Ace of Spades', Black Sabbath's 1st post Ozzy record 'Heaven and Hell', and Ozzy's first post Sabbath solo record 'Blizzard of Ozz'. And to top it all off, I was born in 1980 as well. So I think it's safe to say 1980 (the year) produced a lot of cool shit. Me included. Well, I'm not just some random shit, but you know what I mean. Alright, so from now on, for the rest of the year, celebrate with me. Raise a toast to Priest, AC/DC, Maiden, Motorhead, Ozzy and Black Sabbath and anyone else that left their monumental mark on the music bizz in 1980. CHEERS!

I Can't Fight This (nagging) Feeling Anymore

Have any of you folks out there ever been in the mood to listen to something specific, but you aren't sure what it is? Do you know what I mean? Like there's one CD that you really want to listen to, but when you go to get it off your CD rack you just can't seem to figure out which one is burning in your head so bad. I fucking hate that, don't you? Or does this just happen to me? Usually it's something I haven't listened to in a while. Like recently I read Slash's book - again and another Guns N' Roses book called 'Reckless Road' - again, so I listened to all of my Guns N' Roses CDs over and over, but something was missing. It was like I was just listening to background music or something. That should not happen when I listen to GN'R. So I scoured my CD collection looking for that one nagging disc that just wouldn't let me be. I thought that I found it. Eventually I came across a pink CD that jumped out at me. It was the New York Dolls' debut album 'New York Dolls'. So I grabbed it and thought I was done with my search, but after listening to it several times that nagging is back. FUCK! What now? Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe I should listen to a Spin Doctors CD. Yeah right!

He's Our Family Guuuuyyyy!

You know, the more I watch Family Guy, the more I figure Adam West must be a pretty cool motherfucker. Besides the fact that he was the original Batman he also voices Mayor Adam West on Family Guy. And if you've seen the show, one might wonder how he became a mayor in the first place. Because they make him look like a fool sometimes, don't they? Other times he looks like a dumb ass. But seriously, how many other celebrities would do that? Not many I'm sure. Also I'm sure a lot would say yes, but when it came time to produce they come up with some bullshit reason why they couldn't do it. Maybe I'm wrong but I doubt it. Although I bet Brad Pitt would do it, if Angelina Jolie would let him. She'd shoot that idea down faster than I shoot down helicopters on Battlefield Bad Company 2. Hugh Laurie was on there as House. That was cool. It combined two of my favorite T.V. shows. Also a picture of Mark Harmon was used once as well, that was cool too. I love NCIS. Uhh, what was I talking about? Oh yes, praise Adam West. And kudos to Hugh Laurie, Mark Harmon, and Brad Pitt.

T.O. Update

As of the time I'm writing this piece (not sure when it would actually get posted) I am just now finding out that T.O. Terrell Owens has signed a one year deal with the Cincinnati Bengals. I am excited and terrified all at the same time with this. The spectrum of possible outcomes is frightening. We could see Ochocinco & T.O. be the best WR duo of the season or we could watch T.O. single handedly tear the Bengals apart and everything in between is possible as well. But Carson Palmer was wanting T.O. in Cincy, so I'll trust him. As T.O. once said, "That's my quarterback!" Except I'm not crying .......yet. We'll see at the end of the season how I'm doing and pass judgement then.

Once again I have just went to the laundromat and cut the same knuckle, in the same place, on presumably the piece of equipment. I have to assume it was the same piece of equipment because I don't know when or how I do it. I just look at my hand and, oh look, a flap of skin is hanging off my knuckle. I have no idea how it even happens.

I'm Going To Ask You One Question

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I Call It the Way I See It

This may be something for you sports fans out there, but still entertaining to read even if you're not. Either way, I'd love this to happen. I thought this up when I was a little hammered the other night. Wouldn't it be great if Al Michaels could give color commentary while you were getting (or giving for you ladies out there) a blowjob? To me that would be fantastic. I love listening to Al calling the football games on Sunday night, he's my favorite. So naturally I think he'd be awesome at announcing a blowjob too. My blowjob. Just imagine the things he would say. And he might need someone to work with so we'll throw Cris Collinsworth in there too as his sidekick. Al would be like "She's one of the best ball handlers I've seen in a while. She can really work the shaft too! We've seen him like this before, it appears he's getting close to climaxing." Then when the moment comes (excuse the pun) "Oh my, what an eruption! Rope after rope just came spraying out everywhere!" Wouldn't that be awesome!? "Cris, that was one for the ages, what a physically draining 7 minutes of hot action." "She looks like a melted candle for sure out there, Al. The clean up crew have their work cut out for them tonight!"

That would be cool as shit wouldn't it? Or if not Al Michaels, maybe that asshole that does the voice over on 'Worlds Scariest Police Chases' that guy would be a good one too. Imagine that bitchy voice of his, "our featured whore is really working the dong when out of nowhere a load of jizz is launched into the stratosphere with great force!" That guy would be my runner up.

Time for Bold Print (But No Reason for It.)

So does this ever happen to you non-smokers out there? My girlfriend loves to invite people over and go outside to smoke, leaving me alone with the person. Most of the time it's friends so it doesn't matter too much. Plus a lot of our friends smoke too so everyone goes outside to smoke. That's cool though. Even though I get left inside like I'm some kind of leper or something. But quiet time by myself is something I enjoy. Occasionally some of these people I am not very acquainted with and they don't smoke. So when I'm left alone inside with them, there is some awkwardness. Like one of us wants to say something but neither of us really knows what to say. It's worse than my 'when I'm watching football' complaint because football isn't always on to grasp my attention. Oh and by the way, if you're a close enough friend that you know about this blog, and actually read it. I'm not talking about you.

Public Service Announcement

Here is a Public Service Announcement for all of my readers out there.

DO NOT USE YOUR BARE HAND TO SEE IF YOU GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL (or any other cooking device)IS HOT. INJURIES MAY RESULT IF THIS IS ATTEMPTED!!

Is That a Wig?

OK fellas, I have something I need to share with you guys. The other day at work, this black chick had one of the funkiest hair cuts I have ever seen. It was so weird, it's hard to describe, but I'm gonna try! And on a side note, yes, I would have taken a picture if I could have. Words may not serve it justice. So here goes. Imagine in your mind a mullet. A black shiny mullet, but about 3/4 of the way up, it's not just straight hair, it's ropes that wrap around the head. At least it looks like ropes, or cake frosting. you know how they always put a bead of frosting around the edges of a cake? That's what it looked like. Except it was like 4 or 5 "rings" around her head. Got that so far? A black shiny mullet with "frosting rings" around the top part. Then at the very top was just silly ribbon looking shit. Kinda like when you take a straight piece of ribbon and run scissors along the length of it and it causes the ribbon to curl. That's at the very top. So we've got a mullet with 4 or 5 frosting "ropes or rings" around the top 1/4 and then ribbon curls at the very top. And it's all black and shiny like it's soaked in Afro-Sheen or some shit. Hell. That shit sounds cool, it might catch on and sweep the nation. Of course if that did happen I'd have to kill each and everyone of you guys out of love and respect. So, CHEERS!

Quote of the Month

Here's a new bit I'm adding to my shit. "Quote of the Month!!" So this is my quote of the month for August. "This game is gayer than Go Fish!" In reference to the drinking card game 'Asshole'. This past weekend my girlfriend and a couple of our friends were trying to teach my girlfriend's son to play Asshole with us. Well he wasn't awesome at it right out of the gate so he labelled the game "gay". First of all, Asshole is fun and the first many times I played it, I was Asshole quite bit. But I stuck with it and I'm pretty damn awesome now. Secondly "gayer" isn't even a word, so it should have been, "this game is more gay than Go Fish" third and most important, Go Fish is not gay. Go Fish is fun. Of course it's a child's game, but that's OK. Not to mention labeling something "gay" just because you're no good at it isn't right. That's more of a reflection of who you and your values (or lack there of) are and represent. So 4 key points to remember boys & girls.

1. Our Quote - "this game is gayer than Go Fish!"
2. Asshole is not a bad game. It's fun if you take the time to learn. Plus you can play with beer, liquor, or even drugs. Hey I won't judge!
3. Go Fish is also an alright game.
4. "Gayer" is not a word. Please use "more gay" in the future.

Thank You very much. See ya next month for our Quote of the Month.

Double Jointed Jive

Do you guys know anyone who's double jointed? In any way? I'm not just talking about guys that can blow themselves or women that can pin their legs behind their heads and shove their fists up their own asses. Don't get me wrong, that's cool, but not exactly what I'm talking about. I mean any double joint. Isn't it some of the weirdest shit? My left thumb is double jointed and it used to creep people out when I was in school (especially the girls) because it makes my thumb look broken or something. Of course over the course of my lifetime thus far 3 major things have almost eliminated my ability to do it. First of all, at a young age, I became a video game dork, something to this day I still consider myself. Next I began working on cars for a living. And I also started playing guitar. So my hands are almost too big and too strong to do it. Which sucks. But if you've got some spare time, and patience, and a high thresh hold for pain, you too could be double jointed. All you need in addition to the above requirements is a HAMMER. Self mutilation in other words. Beating yourself with a hammer is way cooler than tattoos or piercings. Haven't you heard yet? It's all the rage!

Check this out, the other day I had what looked like a mosquito bite on my left hand. It's just by my knuckle where my thumb & hand meet. Well, after staring at it and examining it, and the fact that it didn't itch I realized it was an ingrown hair follicle that had become infected. Then a day later it started to hurt like a bastard. At the four day mark not one, but two hairs had grown through it and finally there was some form of a head on the fucking thing that looked like a zit. So I tried to squeeze the goo out of it. But at that point the area around it was so red and swollen that it looked like a red nickel. And that sucked. Plus only like a drop of goo came out of it. I looks like I have some sort of an infection other than an ingrown hair on my hand now. And it just hurts, plus now that it's started healing it itches. So it hurts and it itches. And when I scratch it, it hurts more. What's worse is I don't even know how it happened to be on an area like my hand. Have you ever had that? Speaking of ingrown hairs, you have to ask my brother about the one he had in his nose a few years ago. Fuck all of that noise!

This is it at the 5 day mark.

True Fact

True Fact: Actually this is an amazingly true fact. Back in the mid 1980s John Fogerty was sued for plagiarism because he wrote a song that sounded too much like a song written by John Fogerty. You read that right, that's not a typo. He wrote a song that sounded similar to one he already wrote. Of course I'm leaving out a few details, but that's what it boils down to. Years ago John was in a little band called Creedance Clearwater Revival or CCR for short, maybe you've heard of them. And the CCR song in question was 'Run Through the Jungle' and in 1985 John released an amazing solo album entitled 'Centerfield'. On the album was the hit title track 'Centerfield' as well as the hit song 'The Old Man Down the Road' That was the other song in question. You see, Fantasy Records held the rights to the old CCR catalog and his solo career was with a different record company. So Fantasy Records claimed that 'The Old Man Down the Road' sounded too much like 'Run Through the Jungle' and tried to sue him. Eventually Fogerty won the case, but how fucked up is it that he was sued for plagiarizing himself? True Fact.

An Award Winning Short Story

Back when I was a tech working for Ford I got into some hijinks. Especially after I started working on the night shift. Once I was working nights I was part of a crew of young guys that wanted to dick off and party all the time. Just like the Eddie Murphy song. We would make home made flame throwers and shit, try to throw each other into the dumpsters when we took the trash out, hide from the managers, bull shit like that. One time "Brian" and I took one of the gallon hand cleaner containers that only had an inch or two of cleaner left in it and we scooped the remaining hand cleaner out. Next we filled it almost to the top with wheel bearing grease. Then we took the hand cleaner back on top. So now it looks like a new container of hand cleaner. We put it in the wash room by the sink and just waited. A while goes by and our asshole, dickhead, cocksucker manager goes in there to wash his hands. You see, "Fuckface" we'll call him, didn't know shit about cars but liked to poke his nose in every body's shit like he was a master tech. So he goes to wash his hands and like a dumbass he dunks his whole hand into the jug of cleaner (grease) instead of just scooping some off the top like everyone else. Well he flips his fucking lid. At the time I was at the other end of the shop on the phone with my girlfriend or some shit and I thought I heard someone call my name. So after I get off the phone I head down to the parts department and everyone was like "Dude, where have you been?! "Fuckface" is looking for you and he is pissed!" I asked why he was looking for me? "Brian" told me that he dunked his hand in the grease and immediately came out of the washroom screaming my name. I asked how he knew I had anything to do with it? But since I was always involved any time shit went down like that, I didn't really have to ask. So "Brian" tells me that "Fuckface" got all up in his face because he was laughing at him. He asked if he was responsible for it and "Brian" admitted that he had a part in it, but wouldn't give me up. So "Fuckface" tells him, "We'll see how funny it is when you're unemployed!" and walked away from him. So now I'm panicking because I think "Brian" just got fired. He had a young girlfriend with one kid and another on the way, so I didn't want him to get fired. So I track "Fuckface" down and apologize. It was the first time, by the way. I never apologized for the shit I pulled back in the day. But I really wanted "Brian" to keep his job, so I humbled myself. "Fuckface" was still pissed and he wanted to tell the General Manager about what had happened. So all night I was worried that I was gonna lose my job. The next day "Fuckface" gets to work, and I'm watching the front office from the shop, and our GM walks up to him, puts one hand on his shoulder and says, "I heard you got your hands a little dirty last night." as he tries to hold back his laughter. Then pats him on his back and walks away laughing his ass off. "Fuckface" was humiliated. I Win!

Special...Uh...Delivery?

Did you hear about the 2 women in Joplin, Mo. (this past December) that got pulled over for speeding and when the car was searched, the troopers found 20 pounds of pot, marijuana, weed, ganje, chiba, dope, grass, Mary Jane, funk, funny stuff, grefa, gunney, Indian hay, wacky tobacky, bo-bo, cannabis, chronic, well you get the picture. Anyway, some of it was wrapped up like Christmas gifts. Someone didn't get what they asked Santa for, for Christmas. But, oh well, if that's all you want for Christmas, you're probably a loser anyways.

Fuck You, Football is On

Since that time of the year is upon us and Football season is a mere couple weeks away. This is for my football fans out there. You men might be the only ones that understand what I'm saying here, but I think it's important to say. When football is on and I'm watching it, leave me the fuck alone. I have tunnel vision and you aren't in my line of sight. Especially if I'm watching the Bengals. I'll be so engrossed in what's going on that people will be talking to me and I don't even know it. And please, please, please, don't try to hold a serious conversation with me. I am not paying attention! I don't even like to drink when I'm watching Cincinnati play because it diverts too much of my attention away from the game. And something that really makes me go ape shit is when my girlfriend invites people over and they think it's a social function. I don't give a shit, I'm watching football. But what really pisses me off is when other people come over and my girlfriend actually goes outside to smoke (instead of just standing by the open door) because then I'm left alone to entertain our guests. And I don't want to. It's too hard to pretend like I give a shit, and pretend to listen, while I'm paying full attention to the T.V. I'm going "uh huh, oh great, yeah that's nice......YES! FUCK YOU!! Touch Down! I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was listening to Phil Simms and Jim Nantz, not you." You get it now? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

Now I'm Burning

I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with Jim Rome is Burning on ESPN. But Jim Rome is a sportscaster who has is own show (obviously) and the beginning segment of his show is four or five current sport topics that he is "burning" on. So I'd like to introduce my rip-off version of that. I'm not necessarily burning on these subjects, they just bug the shit out of me or they piss me off.

• Black People With Mexican Names - Every black guy I have ever met with a name like Jose, Juan, Manuel, Emmanuel, and so on have been annoying motherfuckers. This needs to stop. Or I am going to have to hurt some of these dickheads.
• Ball Zits - Ever get a zit on your ball sack? I fucking hate that. And by the way it doesn't happen often, maybe once a year. But you'll be feeling around and "oh shit, I found a lump" but then as you squeeze it, shit squirts out of it. Gross.
• Chipped Tooth - The other day I slightly chipped my tooth while biting my nails. I shouldn't be biting my nails first of all, but I chipped a tooth in the process of doing it. What a fit of anger that caused.
• Featuring - Why are all of these fucking songs we see videos for and hear on the radio have to be Someone (featuring so and so)? Doesn't anybody perform their own songs by themselves anymore? Fuck that, that's stupid.
• Munt/Mumf - Have you noticed that this is how black people say the word month? Why? Why? Why is that? It isn't that hard. Month. Read it, month, it's not that hard. I forgot to do something this munt. What? I'll see you next mumf. What? Just stop talking please.

Double Standard Jive

Now, we're going to talk about Double Standards, which aren't always fair, but tend to work out in some one's favor. Now, as a man I have noticed a few which seemed odd to me. 1st is "whores". Remember back in high school or maybe even where you work(ed) there may have been one or two promiscuous women who everyone knew were easy. So they banged a lot of guys. And that would qualify them as "whores" or "sluts" and other nasty names (Personally I would call them "generous"). Now change the scenario to a guy getting laid a lot and he becomes cooler. "Hey, he's the man, he gets to bang all of the chicks!" Sounds like a good deal to me. Next is "virgins". I guess women aren't always too big on virgin men (I may be incorrect) because they're inexperienced. They aren't sure what to do or how to please a woman. That's understandable I guess, but how are we going to learn without practice? Porn? Yeah, that's a lot of help. Not every woman is into anal or drinking buckets of jizz, so porn really is no help. However guys do like virgin women, right? Why? Because they're virgins! Innocent, untouched, untainted by another man. Plus taking a girl's virginity is like earning a really hard achievement on an Xbox game. You can brag about that shit and show it to your friends. Also if nothing has stretched out the VJ it makes your rhythm stick feel bigger. Now, my 3rd double standard is same sex intercourse. I have never heard a woman say that she found 2 dudes getting it on sexually exciting, attractive or hot in any way, shape or form. Can you prove me wrong? But I think most men, most straight men enjoy seeing two women get it on. Can I get an Amen? I mean c'mon, that's hot. We have no idea why, but it's hot. What's better than two chicks dyking it out? More naked chicks added to the mix! Especially if they're related, like sisters or something. Or any number of women and one guy, as long as you're the one guy, right? C'mon, am I right? Ahhh, I know I am. Even if I'm not it doesn't matter. This is my website.

For Real, Yo!

Can anyone tell me why all of the current musical stars and hit makers are all women? Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Shakira, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, where are all of the men? Well, I guess gender really shouldn't be an issue, but what's with all of the shitty cookie cutter pop music? Where have all of the real musicians gone? You know, people that play their own instruments, write their own songs, stuff like that. I sure can't wait until the new Black Label Society, Trvium, and Murderdolls CDs come out. The new Avenged Sevenfold Cd 'Nightmare' is a fucking breath of fresh air. Especially compared to this shit I have to listen to at work. We have to listen to a radio station that plays nothing but current pop music and dance hits. It makes me want to drink myself into a coma. If I'm lucky I get to hear 'Hey, Soul Sister' by Train and 'If You Only Knew' by Shinedown. And I'm not even sure how Shinedown made it to this radio station. They certainly would never play 'Sound of Madness' or 'Second Chance' so hearing Shinedown just baffles me to no end. Train I understand, it's soft rock mixed with pop, but I have a soft spot for Train. They're a guilty pleasure of mine, just like 'LEGO' video games and Vietnamese women. But that's a little off topic. Hell even another Green Day CD or whatever the fuck they do now that's all over produced like a Miley Cyrus CD with an extra guitar player would be welcomed. Not that I'd purchase it, but I'd listen to it. At the very least I'd have my brother burn me a copy like he did with '21st Century Breakdown', because I know if Green Day releases something, he is going to get it. But I'm like that when it comes to my favorite bands too. So I'm rambling again, that's nice.

Bottom line: I miss good music. And I don't think I'm alone on that.

Some Gross Fucker

Okay, so people that know me may consider me to be a bit of a germophobe, which I guess I am to an extent. But it's only sometimes. In certain situations I have to wash my hands a lot, or I like to clean up and not be dirty. Mostly I think I'm just trying to be sanitary, but I guess once in a while I can go overboard. Not like Howie Mandel or nothing. I haven't used so much Purell that my hands won't produce natural anti-bodies any more. But I think I have an idea why. Back when I was in the 4th grade I had to sit next to one of the dirtiest kids in school. His name may have been Matt or something. He was a good artist by the way, but he was also dirty. One day he and I were talking and he does one of these things where he rubs his nose starting with his finger tips and goes up to his wrist. As he pulls his hand away, somehow he slings nose fluid at me. Seriously. A drop hit my arm, a drop hit my face, and a drop hit me in my eye. That's right, right in my fucking eye! I didn't want to cause a scene so I act like it didn't happen. I puke a little into my mouth and I have an inner freak out. I wanted to come unhinged and flip my desk over, throw my chair at him, and yell "You just flung snot into my fucking eye, you dirty fucking cock smoker! I'm going to kill you!" I wish I could go back in time and prevent that from happening. that shit seriously fucked me up.

BANG! BANG!

So, on New Years this past January, I got to shoot a real live gun for the first time in my life. It was great. I got to unload 2 rounds from some kind of a shotgun. One of my best friends lives out in the sticks and it's an area populated by mostly white country folk. Which is cool by the way. That comes in to play later in this story, that's why I mention it. So her boyfriend is a good old country boy and he loves his guns. He loves guns more than I love guitars. In fact he has about 50 of them sumbitches lying around his house. After midnight we were sitting around a little under the influence and I said, "We should go shoot some guns." Well, "Tommy" we'll call him, says "You want to?!" I was like "sure let's do it!" And he went and got one of his firearms. Back to living out in the country, no one around gives a shit, so we went out back at "Tara's" house and "Tommy" put a pair of rounds in the gun and cocked it. Then he showed me where the safety was and gave it to me. I was so nervous, I was scared I'd drop the gun when it went off or just look like a jackass somehow. After fumbling with the safety I figure it out and aim at a dirt hill and fired. It was awesome! He said "shoot it again!" So I did. It was awesome again! It made me want to buy myself a firearm. The best part was cocking it between shots. "Chuck, chock" that sound is cool. I even saved the spent shell casing from the first round that I fired. I know, I'm gay like that.

Random Quote

I recently read an article in Rolling Stone about Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas, it was an interview really not just an article, but I am extremely fascinated by this guy. He is really creative and has a lot of cool ideas. So I felt obliged to include this quote, it's from Rolling Stone issue 1103 from April 29, 2010.

Will.I.Am breaking music and commerce down to subatomic particles;

It's about frequency, currency. The words 'current' and 'frequent'

-what do they mean? Time. If currency also means something

you can spend, that means it's fluid - a current. If I'm currently

doing something and keep doing it, I'm doing it frequently. And if I

change my frequency to being positive, I attract currency.

So take from that what you will, but I thought that was an interesting idea/comment.

You know a word I like? Snatch. I have no idea why, but I like that word instead of vagina. I also like to say 'snatch-box', even though I know it's redundant. For some reason 'snatch-box' sounds dirtier to me. Like if I threatened to put my foot up your snatch-box, you'd know I meant business!

It Was Just a Little Stinker

Ever notice how your first fart after sex always smells horrible? Or is it just me? I could go all day long passing air biscuits that have no scent. None, no smell at all. But as I'm laying there in my relaxed post-coital state, I get that feeling. And I think to myself "I've been holding this back since I was getting a blowjob. I think now is a safe time to let it go." So I lift one cheek and let it slip out. If you're like me and you have a box fan blowing right you, as soon as the fart leaves my asshole the smell is in my face. It's all up in my mustache! And believe me it's bad. It smells like someone took a shit on a dead cat. Why is that?

LUV 2 SUE

I was driving the other day and I found myself behind a douche bag in a BMW and his licence plate said LUV 2 SUE. What a piece of shit! I would just love to take a sledge hammer to that car. Just smash the fucking thing all to hell. I'd leave a note with the car that said "Go ahead and try to sue me now you cretinous piece of shit fuck!! Of course he probably wouldn't have known what the word 'cretinous' meant. It was a black guy by the way.

Ever heard of a 'Chocolate Bandit Mask'? This is were you dip your balls in chocolate pudding and then drop them on some one's face over their eyes so it looks like they are wearing an old fashioned bandit mask. Kinda like what Zorro wore.

Rock On Metal Heads

So since I've had a lot of time on my hands at work I've just been writing tons of stuff for this blog, and one of my favorite things to write is just stupid lists. So, here's another one and this time I have made a list of Rock N' Roll/Heavy Metal Icons. Once again, this is my list and is not official.

1. Led Zeppelin - Besides Black Sabbath, they're probably the most influential band in heavy music. All 4 members were geniuses in their own right. They Rocked and Rolled.
2. Ozzy - Those 4 letters are all I need. You know who I'm talking about. I left off Black Sabbath and used only Ozzy because Black Sabbath weren't as great after Ozzy left and Ozzy's solo material was (and still is for the most part) just amazing. Plus he gave us Randy Rhodes and Zakk Wylde.
3. Steven Tyler & Joe Perry (Aerosmith) - Their drug fueled love for music and hatred for each other in the 70's made Aerosmith what it was. They took what the Stones did and made it trashy. Sex, Drugs, and Rock N' Roll before it was cool.
4. Sex Pistols - They were the filth and the fury. Without them no one would have given a shit about punk rock.
5. Metallica - A pioneer of thrash and simply one of the greatest metal bands ever. EVER! But then they went "mainstream". Whatever, they were creative. One thing this world has taught us is that we all need to evolve. Evolution, great idea. That's what they did.
6. Motley Crue - If Glam and Rock N' Roll had a kid, and Satan & Heavy Metal had a kid, then both of those kids had a baby, it would be Motley Crue. Truly a periodic table of R N' R elements. Sex, Drugs, Rock N' Roll, Excessive. That says it all.
7. Judas Priest - One of the greatest bands to come out of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal. 2 lead guitar players K.K. Downing & Glen Tipton were (are) sonic twins and Rob Halford bringing the black leather, studs, and spikes which became the uniform for heavy metal was perfect.
8. Guns N' Roses - What can I say about GN'R that hasn't already been said? An indestructible force that could only be destroyed by the band themselves. A combination of all the previous bands mentioned, but with a bad boy edge that hasn't been seen or copied since.
9. Pantera - A Power Groove unlike no other. A clownishly bad ass front man, one of the most prolific guitar players EVER, and a rhythm section to back them up. A complete package, plus one of the only bands that got progressively harder with each album.
10. Marilyn Manson - Controversial? Yes. Preached rebellion? Yes. But not really just rebellion, he challenged. He challenged you to think about whether what you believe in was what you believed, or was it what you were made to believe in. He challenged whether you were on individual or a follower, something that hit home with me when I was younger. But I will admit, that now he is a little passe.

Honorable mention....

• Les Paul - Not the guitar, but the man. Because if it weren't for the man, there would be no guitar. And the Les Paul guitar is probably the most iconic Rock guitar ever. Plus he made it to last weeks list and I didn't want to over do it.
• Iron Maiden - They get an honorable mention because I had to cut either them or Priest. Well, personally, without Judas Priest I don't think there would have been a need for Iron Maiden. But Iron Maiden really helped solidify the genre that Judas Priest ushered in.
• Ramones - If you don't know who they are, then the rest of this section was probably like Greek to you. So Gabba Gabba Hey!! Do some research, you'll thank yourself.

What A Rockstar

You know, I realized something last week. I went to see my brother's bands play at a local bar. I say bands because he was in two of them. One he played bass in and the other he played guitar. What I realized is that it's like having my own little personal Rockstar. It is, seriously. Now, I may not be able to make it to every show, but when I do I am just filled with a great sense of pride. And I've seen some pretty damn good shows too. I've been mere feet away from Zakk Wylde, shook Jerry Only's hand, and I've watched Hatebreed get a circle pit so big going that it was going around the audio tent on the second stage at Ozzfest. But none of that compares to when I'm up front watching my brother play. Especially that band that he plays guitar for. And last week was particularly awesome and my ears were ringing the next day like a MoFo! And initially I started writing this three days after last Saturday nights show and I'm still not sure my voice has completely recovered. It could be that my ears are still jacked and I don't sound right to myself. And then last night the show was even better, the place they played was a better venue and the PA system was up to par so they sounded even better. And my ears weren't ringing this morning when I got up. That's nice, but hey, I digress. Back to my brother. I had the opportunity to grow up with him and I feel I helped to mold him musically. Of course now our tastes in music vary and are as different as they are alike. And for good reason, he is his own person. What fun would a clone of me be? Actually an exact clone of myself would be cool as hell, but not for a brother. (Just to raise hell with and annoy the public in general. But that's another idea for another time.) But to think I may have helped to point him in the direction to where he is now, is cool. But let's get something clear. I am not taking any credit for his guitar skills. He did that all on his own. I got a guitar first, but he learned to play first. And I mean really play. Not just learn a few cool riffs to show off. So to put it in confusing sports terms, I just called the play, he came down with the ball in the endzone to score the game winning touch down as time expired. I wonder if this is how Joe Satriani feels when he observes Steve Vai or Kirk Hammett do what they do and enjoy it?

Can't Get You Outta My Head

Don't you hate it when a song you have just listened to gets stuck in your head? Me too! But what's worse is when a song you haven't listened to in a while mysteriously pops in your head. Why does that happen? Because a lot of times it's an obscure song isn't it? What makes it even worse is if it was something you heard on the radio. Because at least if it's something you own or have access to you can go home and listen to it. You know, just to satisfy that unexplained craving. But if it was something that isn't readily available for you to listen to, then what? Then it's time to drill a small hole in your head and run warm water over your brain until the song disappears. And boy does that hurt. Or what if it's a song you don't even like? What a predicament! You have a song you dislike and haven't even listened to in a while stuck in your head for the entire day, like an 8 hour work shift. That sucks. The drill and warm water are never more imperative than at that point in time. But hey, George Carlin's suggestion was to kill yourself in this case. So I guess you have to weigh your options.

WATCH YOUR STEP....

Here's something I hate, stepping in dog shit. Don't you? Especially if you wear your shoe inside. I've never had the unfortunate chance to step in dog shit barefoot, luckily. And those who know me know I'd flip the fuck out if that happened. I could just imagine it squishing through my toes and getting in my toenails. EWW! Anyways, it sucks, doesn't it? Because cleaning it off isn't fun. First you drag your foot around in the grass to get as much as you can off so you don't have to touch it right away. Then you have to get a stick and scrape off what you can. Then what? Get the hose and try to wash it off. Plus it's kinda brown, but it's also kinda yellow and you wonder if the dog was eating mustard or something. But it's worse when you're inside just sitting around and you smell something, then it hits you, "It's dog shit!" And you check your shoes and see it. So you panic because you realize you may have tracked it all through the house. But have you noticed that when there's a group of you and everyone smells it and you all check your shoes, aren't you relieved when it isn't you? Yes you are. It's not winning the lottery by any means, but you do feel like good fortune was smiling on you for a brief second, right? The worse part is I really want a dog of my own at some point, but I don't think I could handle needing a mine detector to walk through my yard. I'm joking, I'd clean up my dog's shit. I'd be gagging the entire time, but I'd do it.

Another Damn List

Okay, it's been a while since my last Top Ten list and this is a list of "Cool" guitar players. Now keep in mind, this is my blog, my website, and my list. So you don't have to agree with it. But you should be aware of who these people are. I say People, not Men, because one lady did make the list. Also this is in no particular order. Just how I thought them up. So enjoy, or not.

1. Jimmy Page - What can you say about Jimmy Page that hasn't already been said? He's just phenomenal, and pretty much made Led Zeppelin who they were.
2. Les Paul - Besides his many contributions to the music industry, like multi-track recording and the Iconic Les Paul guitar he played every week at the same club in New York City until the week before he died at age 94. Plus when he was younger, he had his arm smashed in a car accident, so he had his arm set so he could still play guitar, with a smashed arm! Now that's Rock N' Roll, no wait, that fuckin' Rock N' fuckin' Roll!!
3. Joe Perry - Or Joe Fuckin' Perry as Steven Tyler calls him is probably the most suave axeman that's ever been. Plus the dude still looks good for his age.
4. Joe Satriani - This guy gave lessons to guitar players like Steve Vai and Kirk Hammett. That's cool. We couldn't do without them. And he had a full head of hair and just decided to shave it all off to be unique. Also watching the stage lights dance and reflect off of his chrome Ibanez is just mesmerizing.
5. Steve Vai - I mentioned him up above, but do you remember the guitar duel in the movie 'Crossroads'? That was him dueling the Karate Kid. Plus he did the riffs for the Bill & Ted movies and George Carlin's guitar solo in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
6. Lita Ford - She was hot, yes, but she could actually play too. It wasn't just window dressing. Any broad that can throw down like that is cool in my book!
7. Ace Frehley - I've never been a big fan of Kiss, but watching him play his smoking guitar was cool. That's right his guitar would start smoking as he played, of course it was an effect, but who else has done that?
8. Keith Richards - I'm not very big on the Rolling Stones either, but let's face it. This man is invincible. Seriously, he may never die. Now that's cool.
9. Zakk Wylde - Who else could throw down for Ozzy for 20 years? Well, maybe Randy Rhoads could have, but unfortunately he died, or maybe he'd be on this list instead. Plus Zakk decided that he was tired of his baby face and wanted to look like an alcohol fueled viking. I love vikings!!
10. Johnny Ramone - Never has busting out a series of power chords been so cool. He made me think that I could actually play. Too bad fucking cancer had to go and take him from us.

Here is my barely missed out section.

• Slash - He is just in a category all his own. All Hail!
• Synester Gates - That is one of the coolest names ever! Plus this dude can shred.
• Eddie VanHalen - The more I hear about him, the more he sounds like a douche. But he is one of the most iconic guitar players ever.

By the way, no one who died of drug related deaths made this list. Doing drugs may be cool or at least look cool, but doing them until you die is just fucking lame.

Who You Is?

The other day at work I went to Wendy's for lunch and I ordered a combo meal. Well, I substituted a side salad for my fries because I believe that Wendy's fries are by far the worst fast food fries. Anyways, they put my salad in one bag and my burger in another. I hate that. I told my girlfriend that I hated that because people see me and think, "Oh look, the fat guy has two bags of food." And she just replied something about how I care so much about what other people think of me. But she's wrong. I don't care what other people think of me, as long as it's the correct ME that they form their opinion on. In other words, if you don't really know me and you form an idea or an assumption about me that you don't like and base it all on misinformation or incomplete truths, I take issue with that. In that case I do care what you think of me. But if you do know me, the real me, and you still don't like me, I don't give a shit. I'm me and I like me, so you can go fuck yourself. And Wendy's can go fuck their fries!

Automotive Hijinks

One time when I was a mechanic at the shop (dealership) I worked at, me and some of the other guys got into some big time hijinks. Once I rolled up some shop rags and stuffed them up my buddy's tail pipe. Well, not his tail pipe, his car's tail pipe. I then taped over them so they wouldn't blow out. Well he got in his car and left, and just as he got about half way across a major 8 lane road his car died. You see if a car's exhaust builds up too much back pressure, or in this case is just blocked off completely, it will cause the car to shut off. We thought it would have died sooner, not when he was on the road. But who cares. He came back in and he was furious! We all just laughed at his ass.

P.S. This trick also works well with a potato.

Fuck the Yankees, fuck the Lakers, fuck the Redwings, fuck the Cowboys, fuck the University of Miami. People only like these teams because they're popular. You aren't real fans. Not like me anyways. I am and have always been a Cincinnati Bengals fan. That's a real fucking fan. No goddamn bandwagon here. My brother is too. So go fuck yourself Kobe Bryant, Tony Romo, and Gay-Rod, (with the exception of this past NBA season) you guys have proven time after time, that you are paid to be losers. You guys and all of the other fuckers that can't get it done in a clutch situation need to go cut your own balls off and expose yourselves as the pussies you are.

I Think There's a Black Flag Song About This...

I drink and drive. I do, I know I shouldn't but I do. How do you like that? Of course I rarely do anymore, not like I used to. I'm more responsible now. Actually I've dodged enough bullets that I have wised up. I don't feel like killing anyone or dying in a car anymore. Driving ossified drunk is only fun in Grand Theft Auto IV. Especially when you're running from the police. Fuck da po-lice!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmC87hXM1WM

There's a link above, watch the video. WATCH THE FUCKING VIDEO!! It's a Public Service Announcement.

Got AIDS?

AIDS, that's right, AIDS. Well actually that's some heavy shit. Other than telling someone to go wash their mouth out with a glass full of AIDS infected semen, I find it hard to goof on AIDS. Except for when you think of all the Africans with AIDS. All those Africans fucking each other, cutting off clitorises, and fucking monkeys. How could you not laugh? A boobida, boobida, boobida, and spears getting thrown everywhere. Big old gloppy AIDS riddled titties swingin' all over the place. Now tell me that ain't funny.