Random Thoughts and Ideas

• Now that I have a few fingernails I find myself scratching.......my self. Just at random times because I'm not used to having nails. And the other night I was rolling over in bed and wrapping myself up and I gouged the MOTHERFUCK out of my left nipple. Shit, that really hurt. It hurt so much I thought I drew blood. I'm surprised I didn't.
• Does anyone else miss the Cult? I sure do. I think 'She Sells Sanctuary' is one of my favorite songs ever. I know it's my favorite Cult song, hands down. Every once in a while I catch one or two of their videos on VH1 Classic when I'm watching Metal Mania and I love it. Ian Astbury looks like a Pirate/Gypsy hybrid. And Billy Duffy always has one of two guitars, an old semi-hollow body or a white Les Paul Custom. And their songs are great. 'Love Removal Machine', 'Fire Woman'. Also remember back in 2001 they released an album with 'Rise' on it? That was bad ass.
• And while we're reminiscing, aren't we glad Warrant is no longer around? Or are they? If they are, no one knows about it. Which doesn't bother my ass any. You know what would be cool? If Glenn Danzig went psycho and killed Jani Lane on national TV or at least on an easily accessible website. That would be fuckin' cool.
• While we're talking about music related acts, I've never gotten to see Collective Soul live. And I'm not sure why. Ever since I heard their 2nd album, their self titled album, I have been enamored by their music. And I know it's probably not in line with what you'd expect from me, but Collective Soul is honestly one of my favorite bands. The way they write their songs is so smooth and Ed Roland's voice is so...... I don't even know how to describe it. But anyways, that's some truly good and positive music to listen to.
• I like football teams with white helmets. My high school had white helmets and the cool thing is you get colors from other teams on your lid. Know what I mean? You "trade paint" basically with the teams that you play. So it's like a collection of "scars" for your helmet. And in this case, the more you have, the better.
• Ever notice how you forget how good Skittles are until you have a few? We seem to take Skittles for granted. We know they're good, but we forget about how good they are until we eat some and then it's like "Holy Shit! How did I forget how much I liked these little bastards?!"
• Being someone who has grown up around black people I have to say I love listening to black people talk about each other. When they're just sitting around goofing on each other. Or talking smack or whatever they call it. I call it "goofing" it's just fun and I enjoy it. Just don't get too close to the action or they'll suck you into too. And that's never any fun.

Quote of the Month

Alright boys and girls, it's time for our September Quote of the Month. Recently the OSU Buckeyes played the Miami Hurricanes in NCAA football, and a friend of mine that I watched the game with likes to say "Fuck You" whenever the coach of OSU's opposing team is shown on television during big games. So all through out the game he'd say "Fuck you, Randy Shannon!" every time they showed him on the side lines. Every once in a while he'd extend his exclamation to what has become our September Quote of the Month. "Fuck you, Randy Shannon! You have two first names and one's a girl's!" So there you have it. Our September Quote of the Month. There's no additional explanation for this one. No moral lesson to be learned this month. It's pretty simple, Fuck You, Randy Shannon.

Bring Your Juke Box Money....

What ever your feelings on the B-52s or their music is, you have to admit 'Love Shack' is a pretty cool, funky song. Am I right? C'mon, am I right? YES! Yes, I am. Fred Schneider is pretty damn queer, but that's why his voice is so damn good on that song. The back up vocals fit just right and it's up beat with out being too overly pop like. Simply put it's a well written and well performed song. And it's simple in it's structure. It's not too over the top, it's just right. And it's fun too, isn't it? You can dance around while you listen it. Everyone knows the lyrics by now, so you can sing along with it too. And I know you do. When no one is looking you boogie down with this song. And that's OK. I do it too, it's a good song. So is 'Rock Lobster'.

Who Am I Gonna Call?

So, apparently the father of the previous tenant where my girlfriend and I live died while staying with his son. Did you hear that? He died in our apartment. And after my girlfriend first moved in, before I moved in, she noticed some weird stuff happening. Like the blinds on the front door would move for no reason the closet in the front room would open on it's own. You'd hear doors open and close in other rooms. Plus my girlfriend would wake up in the middle of the night with a distinct feeling that someone was watching over her. Then the more I stayed over the more I'd notice these things too. Except for waking up feeling like someone was watching me. And then the other night I was laying in bed with my box fan blowing on me and I noticed the fan change pitch. Like someone was walking in front of it. Kinda like the sound was blocked momentarily. And that freaked me the fuck out. Do you people out there believe in ghosts at all? I'm not sure yet, but I have experienced some things that would lead me to believe that they may exist. I know that sounds like bullshit coming from me-Mr. Realist-over here, but if this shit has me believing, there may be some possibility, right?

GAME ON

There's this guy I (used to) work with that claims his sister is ranked 3rd in the world on Call of Duty. And she gets paid to play in tournaments. Professional Tournaments. Now, this is something that could be a fabrication, but of all things to make up a lie about, this hardly seems like something to make up. Plus he seems like a stand up kinda guy I so I tend to believe him. Anyway, his sister gets paid to play video games essentially. I was always told as a kid that I couldn't do that? I remember my dad asking "What are you going to with your life? Are you going to play video games forever? Do you plan on being the Nintendo Champion of the World?" And I knew he was being overly sarcastic about it. So looking back, I'm disappointed. I could have played video games for a living. I could have been 'Nintendo Champion of the World'. I don't know now since I was discouraged at such a young age. And the fucked up thing is I still play video games. But I have to pay for them. It's backwards! I want to get paid to play. This is bullshit!!

Of course there is a high level of sarcasm in the above bit. I never really wanted to play video games for a living, and I don't hold anything against my dad for this situation. But the reality of it is fucked up because I do still play frequently and had there been a chance to do it for a living and I missed I would be sad. :(

My girlfriend is learning to play the bass guitar right now and for some reason I find that so cool. I'm not sure why. She wanted to learn to play guitar, but my brother and I both agreed it may be easier for her to learn bass first. either way it's cool. It gives us one more thing to share with each other. We have so much in common already that it was scary at first when we realized how much we have in common. Since we've met she's taken an interest in a lot of things I do, like guitar, playing video games, brewing beer, stuff like that. It's really cool actually. I guess I owe her. I should probably learn to like something that she really likes to do too. It's only fair, right? Well it shouldn't be about what's fair, but I should do it anyways just because. Otherwise I'm being selfish. Shhh, I'm not sure if she reads this shit or not. Don't say anything to her. I'll handle my bidniz on my own.

A Declaration

So it's no secret that I'm a Cincinnati Bengals fan and I'll proudly admit to it, but what annoys me is people who feel the need to ask "Seriously?" when I tell them or say "I'm sorry" like I have cancer or something. Fuck you, you can't say anything I haven't heard. Besides I'm a lifelong fan. I'm used to it. Real fans are unwavering not fair weather. That's what casual observers don't understand. It's easy to bounce around to whoever is popular or doing well, but not to tough it out for a couple of decades while your team is the laughing stock of the league. Let's put it this way, in my case there is no doubt I'm, a real, true, dyed in the wool fan because when was Cincy's last great season? Last season was good, the '05 season was good, bu I think the '88-'89 season was the last great season and that was 20 years ago! So let's say in 1988 I, as an eight year old, did decide "Hey, these guys are good, I'll be a fan of theirs." OK, the scene is set. I'm an 8 year old band wagon fan. Well after 20 years of poor play, lazy arm tackles, humiliation, basically being shit on by everyone, I have earned my stripes! But that isn't how it happened. In fact when I was born my dad put a football in one hand, and a Bengals pennant in the other. Then for good measure he spiked me like an endzone celebration. Seriously, it's in my blood. It's in my fucking blood! So, Who Dey?!

A Simple Solution

I was thinking the other day about the state of our country and I came up with a way to solve a few problems in one blow.

1. Unemployment rate
2. Out of work black people
3. Out of control white kids

It's hard enough finding a job right now, and I'm white. I'd imagine it may be harder if you're black. And I'm sure most people are fed up with the out of control white kids these days. No one wants to spank their kids anymore. No one wants to discipline their children at all and that's just lazy bullshit. Now, my dad isn't my favorite person, but he rarely had to get physical with me because he had voice control over me. We both knew when or if I was doing something wrong, no questions asked. My mom didn't have that. But she didn't have a problem with spanking me either. In fact I still remember the last time I was whipped by my mom. She was using her hand and I laughed. She turned around, grabbed a hair brush and used that. FUCK! After that all she had to do was ask, "Do I have to get the hair brush?" even if I didn't know what it was that I was doing wrong I'd sit idle for 5 - 10 minutes. Fuck that hair brush. So anyway, my idea is to hire black men to beat these white kids. they get jobs out of it, that helps the rate of unemployment, and maybe it'll settle these fucking untrained children down. "Do you want me to call in the black man? I didn't think so. Now settle down you little fuck." If my parents threatened me with a beating from a black guy, I'd straighten the fuck up!

Let's Go to the Movies

Today I'd like to tell you all about a favorite movie of mine. It wasn't a major motion picture so you've probably never heard of it. But it is a George A. Romero movie, so you know it's good. I originally found out about this movie when I was immersed in the world of the Misfits. They needed a director for their video for the song 'Scream' and Romero needed a few songs for a movie and a band to perform in the finale scene of the movie. So it was an even trade. The movie is called 'Bruiser' and it is great. You know when someone pisses you off or offends you or hurts your feelings and you go through all the ways you'd like to hurt them in your head? That's what the movie is about. The main character, Charlie, is stepped on by everyone. His best friend (an accountant) is stealing money from him. His wife treats him like shit and is cheating on him with his boss who undercuts everything he says/does. Then one day he wakes up with out a face. He has a blank white face. I believe it's symbolism for how he typically blends into the background and never really stands out. So he has no face and he gets to exact his revenge on everyone from his thieving maid to his prick of a boss. It's pretty good for a low budget film. Plus the sound track is decent too. Maybe I'm a little bias because this is my kind of a revenge movie, but you should still check it out. Besides, most of you can probably pirate it off of the Internet anyways, so it won't cost you anything.

OK, this might piss off some of you "real music" fans out there, but doesn't James Taylor have some of the most pussified music ever written? Now, I realize he has been around for awhile, and he is a terrific song writer, but god damn, some of his shit is so gay it makes my penis shrivel and then go concave inside of me like an inside out penis forming a makeshift vagina. Or actually a mangina in this case. In other words, James Taylor's music is mangina inducing. Am I wrong? I don't think so. It's like Axl's song 'This I Love' on 'Chinese Democracy', it's such a ball-less song. And for Axl to be such a controlling tyrant bad ass, and then write such a shitty song really makes you wonder, you know? I mean where is that guy's head at sometimes? It just baffles me. But back to my original point, James Taylor, I respect you and all you have accomplished, but c'mon, let your nuts hang and try writing a few tunes for us to enjoy. Just walk around fully clothed with you balls hanging out of your zipper and see what that inspires inside of you. It's cool, I do it too.

Our Author Finds His Inner Self

You know I realized something the other day. I am a fairly fortunate and busy human being. Of course shit doesn't always go the way you'd like it to, but when is everything ever perfect? I've got a decent full time job that I actually enjoy for the most part. I have a video game addiction that I am able to support (through the services of Gamefly and Xbox Live). I play guitar, I finally got the Gibson Les Paul I've wanted forever, I brew my own beer. I live with a girlfriend whom I've been with for almost 5 years now. We rarely argue (unless we're playing Borderlands). My car is still in fairly good shape, even though my 'check engine light' just came on, but I have a very good knowledge of automobiles so I already may know what's wrong with it. My family may be dysfunctional, but the members I still talk to are the best people in my life. And after this past weekend, I think I have some of the best damn friends I could ask for. So things aren't as bad as they could be. It just feels sometimes like there just isn't enough time in the day. Do you know what I mean? I guess you'll have that no matter who you are. I hope all of my readers are fortunate enough to be happy and enjoy life.

Did You Hear That?

Back when I was in high school I didn't keep many people close to me. In other words, I didn't have many friends. But that was never an issue because I didn't like many of the people I went to high school with anyways. But there was one guy I wanted to physically abuse. I can't remember his name, but he was a hardcore punk. Which there is nothing wrong with that. But he constantly made fun of the music everyone else listened to. Or just put down the people instead. He was into bands like, Pennywise, NOFX, Crass, Rancid stuff like that. All bands I have enjoyed at one point in time or another (except maybe Crass). But he was relentless to everyone else. He acted like all metal was like the band Nelson or something. Very annoying and sometimes hurtful to people. Now I may not be a fan of every kind of music, and I'll talk shit about it if I think it's terrible, but I'd never put anyone down because of what they listened to. I mean I may goof on the people that are close to me, but I wouldn't directly put them down, you know? I have some CDs like Kylie Minogue, Gerri Halliwell, Shania Twain, stuff you wouldn't think I was into, stuff that I'm sure some of you will give me shit about, but so what? Why put someone down because of it? No matter what you or I or that jackass in high school or anyone else for that matter, no matter what WE listen to, we do it for the same reasons. That's universal, and isn't that what's important? It's a release, an escape from everything. An escape from guys like that shithead in high school in fact. I wish I could remember that dude's name. It was Chad or Zach or something with that long A sound in it. but oh well, fuck him. And praise you if you agree with me.

You know, one good thing did come from that fucker. He drew me a picture of what he considered a "heavy metal lead singer" to be and it was great. He drew a picture of this guy in spandex pants with a leopard print vest on wearing a Police Man's hat screaming into a microphone. It was great I kept it in my locker for like 2 years.

Here We Go Again

Once again it's time for a piece that didn't make it out in time and is almost irrelevant at this point.

So it's August once again, and football season is almost upon us. Hell the preseason has already commenced and once again this year we are forced to go through another Brett Favre saga. As of today (8/18/2010, see? Almost irrelevant.) it appears as though Brett, good ole' number 4 will be returning to the Vikings for his 20th season. And guess what? I am tired of this shit. He should make his fucking mind up a lot sooner than mid-August as to whether or not he's coming back. If not to keep the sports media in check, then just for Tarvarius Jackson's mental benefit. Besides fuck that traitor anyways. He is the same type of asshole that Lebron James is. Or Johnny Damon. What a bunch of traitorous fuckfaces. Especially Johnny and Brett. LeBron followed the money, but Johnny and Brett joined rivals of their former teams. I think most people know by now that I'm a berserk Bengals fan, and if Carson Palmer left Cincinnati to join Cleveland or Pittsburgh or some shit like that, I'd flip my fucking lid! I understand free agency and sometimes you have to do what you have to do, but these guys fucked a lot of fans over. Fans that made them who they were/are. So in other words.......Fuck These Dickheads!!

A Real Nail Biter...

Here's something fucked up I realized the other day. I have no idea how long my fingernails should be. You see, I'm a chronic masturb....... I mean, nail biter and I am trying to let my nails grow out. So far I have both my thumbs nails and the nail on my right pointer finger coming in nicely as well. So the nail on my left thumb (the first I grew out) got pretty long and I wasn't sure if it was too long or not. And I thought, "Imagine that, I'm almost 30 years old and I have no idea what an appropriate length for my nails are." Plus now the thing interferes when I'm texting or getting on motherfucking Facebook from my phone. So I just want to bite the fucker off! But I'm going to make a serious attempt to grow out all 10 of my nails. Even if I have to do it one nail at a time. And my fingers are all jacked up now. I have progressed from just nail biting to chewing the skin off too. And the fingertip areas on my left and look dry and peeling too because I've started playing guitar more lately now that I have my (Gibson) Les Paul at my place. In other words, my hands are OK, but my fingers are gross. And they have a lot of red tissue looking fleshy areas exposed as well. So those places are all stingy and shit. But you know what? I can fucking take it 'coz I'm a real man, bro!

The Burning Returning

Once again we will visit a few topics that are 'Burning" me like Jim Rome.

• Gas Station Stereos - What is up with these motherfuckers that leave their stereos blasting while they are at the gas station? It's usually black people, but even when it's white people it's always rap. I had to listen to fucking "music" that was loud and proclaiming YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA YOU'S A BITCH NIGGA over and over again. STOP THAT SHIT, it pisses me off.
• ATM Lanuage - Why are there 3 languages at my ATMS now? And what fucking language is "Sii Wado"? It means continue I guess, but what fucking language is it? "Continuar" I know is Spanish, but what the fuck is the other one?
• Finding Money - Yes, I hate finding money. Because it's usually my money I find. Except for a few bucks here or there it's usually my money I find. Oh look a $20 bill, now I have $40! Oh no, it was my twenty, I still only have $20.
• Crowns - Why do people call Crayons, crowns? Seriously, why? Cray-On. How do you get crown out of that? Are you not able to read correctly? That can be fixed. But so can your face if I have to punch you. Stop it! They're CRAY-ONS
• White Pants - I hate when women wear white pants and you can see through them, but they get mad if you stare. Don't wear them then. You walk by and I can tell what color your fucking panties are and I'm not supposed to check you out? Then wear a fucking burqa you tease!

A Quick Change Up For You

Here is a new twist on an old favorite. It's a new list, but in stead of a "Top Ten" list, it's a "Top Eleven" list. Mainly because I had 11 things to include in the list and didn't want to cut one out. So here's my top 11 favorite video games. They're in reverse order because I can't figure out how to start with 11. So number 1 is 11 and 11 is 1. Get it? It doesn't really matter, just read the shit and agree with me.

1. Assassin's Creed 2(Xbox 360) - Because it's the first Xbox 360 game that I was able to unlock all of the achievements on. It was no easy feat, even my girlfriend helped me to accomplish this.
2. Madden(All Consoles) - Even if there are a few clunkers from time to time, they will always be the best NFL/football games ever. Seriously, am I wrong?
3. Donkey Kong Country(SNES) - If you've never played this game, that sucks. That really does. It spawned 2 sequels, but they didn't compare to the original. Instant classic!
4. Grand Theft Auto 3(PS2) - This game was revolutionary in 3D game play. It had an open world environment like nothing else before it. And it opened a lot of doors for future games.
5. Grand Theft Auto 4(PS3/360) - All of the games between 3 & 4 seemed like filler to me, leading up to the climax that is GTA4. Both PS3 and Xbox 360 versions were great.
6. Battlefield Bad Company 2(Xbox 360) - Say what you want about Call of Duty, but this is what I imagine real combat to be like. The best military game ever, until maybe later this fall.
7. Worms Armageddon(PS1/PC) - This was a simple game. A basic turn based strategy game where you control a team of 4 worms and you fucking kill other worms. Violently fun.
8. Double Dragon 2 The Revenge(NES) - The first was awesome, but the sequel let 2 players play. It let my brother and I play as the Lee brothers and kick ass side by side for the first time.
9. Contra(NES) - If you need to know why this is on the list, this list has probably been a waste of time for you. Contra is one of the greatest games EVER. And I'm not the only one that thinks that. Everyone does.
10. Super Mario Bros.(NES) - The Originator. The video game that began my gaming career, as well as millions and millions of other people in the 1980s. That's all I have to say.
11. Metal Gear Solid(PS1/PS2/PS3) - This is the entire series I'm talking about here. Never have I been as sucked into a game as I am with MGS. From the first one on the original Playstation to the 4th installment on the Playstation 3, the BEST GAMES EVER.

Is anyone else a fan of 'Looking Out My Back Door' by Creedence Clearwater Revival? Boy, I'm a huge fan. Are any of you out there? There's a scene in the movie 'The Big Lebowski' where the Dude is driving around in his car with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other. As he finishes his joint he goes to flip the roach out of his window, but the window isn't down (it was damaged recently when his car was stolen) so it bounces off the window and lands between his legs. So he freaks and pours his beer on it to keep from burning his balls! Then he crashes into a light post during this whole debacle. All the while "Looking Out My Back Door' was playing on his car radio. Goddamn that's my favorite movie. My buddy "Kirk" and I used to watch that all the time. We even drank White Russians in tribute to the movie. Plus we sang karaoke to the song once or twice too while we were drunk off our asses. The song calms me and makes me think of nothing but good times. So fuck you if you don't like CCR.

A Nagging Update:

So I finally silenced that nagging, burning sensation in my head. HA! Nagging, burning sensation, I feel like John Madden in an athlete's foot commercial. But anyways, after going through all of my New York Dolls CDs and still feeling that need that there was a CD that I just HAD to listen to, I found it. It was Black Label Society's 1998 debut release 'Sonic Brew'. This is by far my favorite BLS album. Also one of my favorite CDs of all time. It shouldn't have been much of a surprise when I put it in my car's CD player and instantly felt relieved. So I've regained a little bit of my sanity.....for now. By the way, if you're reading this and you don't own 'Sonic Brew' you should probably go out and buy a copy. Or illegally download it off the Internet. But make sure you get the version with the 'No More Tears' cover song on it. It's pretty badass! But since Zakk Wylde helped write it, it pretty much has to be badass.

Have you ever been in some sort of an unexplained mental/emotional, discontent, irritated, depressing fucking funk? What the fuck causes that? You know, it's like you don't want to do anything or be around anyone, ANYONE, ANYONE at all. And even just the thought of being around yourself is too much to deal with. What causes that? Why does that happen? And, more importantly, how do you move past it? That's the worst part, isn't it? You know the whole situation is bullshit, yet you can't prevent it from continually dragging you down. And whether you try to move on and battle this shit, or you let it consume you and just wait it out, the outcome is the same. You're miserable and don't know why. No one wants to be around you because you're insufferable, which is fine because you don't want anyone around to view your pathetic display. In the end you're left with disillusionment and a sense of abandonment that you can't shake for days at a time. But it is important to remember that no matter how low you get or how bad you feel, and end will always come. Just hope that end doesn't include a bullet and you'll be just fine, my friends. That is the important part. Remember that.

I D.A.R.E.You

Years ago when I was in my early 20's I used to get into a lot of shit A LOT OF SHIT! Usually my buddy "Kirk" was involved with this shit too. And one night he and I hit up happy hour at Applebee's and got loaded. Then we went to his place to hang out. His goofy roommate had recently bought a can of air duster and we decided to play with it. So basically we huffed like half the can for fun. While we were still drunk. Then we went to my place and I happened to have like 3 hits left in a pipe (weed) in my bedroom, so we finished that off. Next I went to my freezer where I almost always had a bottle of Bacardi 151 spiced rum and we mixed it 50/50 with generic Cherry Coke and we smashed 32oz cups of that shit! At some point later that night I remembered that back in the 5th grade I won a D.A.R.E. award. I thought, "My, my, haven't I come a long way?" That night I had a D.A.R.E. moment.

Here's the Key....

Check this out, a few weeks ago my girlfriend lost her keys, well, she misplaced them. And we were looking everywhere for them. Somehow the tables got turned on me and I was like "Hey, I never have trouble finding my keys." And she goes "That's because you always put them in the same place by the T.V." Like that is incorrect of me to do. Now you know why I do that. Now you know why I always put my keys in the same place. That's why we never have to rip the place apart looking for my keys. So somehow I was the bad guy because my keys weren't missing. Well, I quickly turned the tables around because I found the damn keys. After that I had 2 sets of keys next to the T.V. Well, until she lost..... I mean misplaced them again.

I've also bought this big wooden key that you hang from the wall with hooks on it to hang your keys from since then. It is right next to the door. I'm the only one that uses it. But I never have trouble finding my keys.