What A Rockstar

You know, I realized something last week. I went to see my brother's bands play at a local bar. I say bands because he was in two of them. One he played bass in and the other he played guitar. What I realized is that it's like having my own little personal Rockstar. It is, seriously. Now, I may not be able to make it to every show, but when I do I am just filled with a great sense of pride. And I've seen some pretty damn good shows too. I've been mere feet away from Zakk Wylde, shook Jerry Only's hand, and I've watched Hatebreed get a circle pit so big going that it was going around the audio tent on the second stage at Ozzfest. But none of that compares to when I'm up front watching my brother play. Especially that band that he plays guitar for. And last week was particularly awesome and my ears were ringing the next day like a MoFo! And initially I started writing this three days after last Saturday nights show and I'm still not sure my voice has completely recovered. It could be that my ears are still jacked and I don't sound right to myself. And then last night the show was even better, the place they played was a better venue and the PA system was up to par so they sounded even better. And my ears weren't ringing this morning when I got up. That's nice, but hey, I digress. Back to my brother. I had the opportunity to grow up with him and I feel I helped to mold him musically. Of course now our tastes in music vary and are as different as they are alike. And for good reason, he is his own person. What fun would a clone of me be? Actually an exact clone of myself would be cool as hell, but not for a brother. (Just to raise hell with and annoy the public in general. But that's another idea for another time.) But to think I may have helped to point him in the direction to where he is now, is cool. But let's get something clear. I am not taking any credit for his guitar skills. He did that all on his own. I got a guitar first, but he learned to play first. And I mean really play. Not just learn a few cool riffs to show off. So to put it in confusing sports terms, I just called the play, he came down with the ball in the endzone to score the game winning touch down as time expired. I wonder if this is how Joe Satriani feels when he observes Steve Vai or Kirk Hammett do what they do and enjoy it?

Can't Get You Outta My Head

Don't you hate it when a song you have just listened to gets stuck in your head? Me too! But what's worse is when a song you haven't listened to in a while mysteriously pops in your head. Why does that happen? Because a lot of times it's an obscure song isn't it? What makes it even worse is if it was something you heard on the radio. Because at least if it's something you own or have access to you can go home and listen to it. You know, just to satisfy that unexplained craving. But if it was something that isn't readily available for you to listen to, then what? Then it's time to drill a small hole in your head and run warm water over your brain until the song disappears. And boy does that hurt. Or what if it's a song you don't even like? What a predicament! You have a song you dislike and haven't even listened to in a while stuck in your head for the entire day, like an 8 hour work shift. That sucks. The drill and warm water are never more imperative than at that point in time. But hey, George Carlin's suggestion was to kill yourself in this case. So I guess you have to weigh your options.

WATCH YOUR STEP....

Here's something I hate, stepping in dog shit. Don't you? Especially if you wear your shoe inside. I've never had the unfortunate chance to step in dog shit barefoot, luckily. And those who know me know I'd flip the fuck out if that happened. I could just imagine it squishing through my toes and getting in my toenails. EWW! Anyways, it sucks, doesn't it? Because cleaning it off isn't fun. First you drag your foot around in the grass to get as much as you can off so you don't have to touch it right away. Then you have to get a stick and scrape off what you can. Then what? Get the hose and try to wash it off. Plus it's kinda brown, but it's also kinda yellow and you wonder if the dog was eating mustard or something. But it's worse when you're inside just sitting around and you smell something, then it hits you, "It's dog shit!" And you check your shoes and see it. So you panic because you realize you may have tracked it all through the house. But have you noticed that when there's a group of you and everyone smells it and you all check your shoes, aren't you relieved when it isn't you? Yes you are. It's not winning the lottery by any means, but you do feel like good fortune was smiling on you for a brief second, right? The worse part is I really want a dog of my own at some point, but I don't think I could handle needing a mine detector to walk through my yard. I'm joking, I'd clean up my dog's shit. I'd be gagging the entire time, but I'd do it.

Another Damn List

Okay, it's been a while since my last Top Ten list and this is a list of "Cool" guitar players. Now keep in mind, this is my blog, my website, and my list. So you don't have to agree with it. But you should be aware of who these people are. I say People, not Men, because one lady did make the list. Also this is in no particular order. Just how I thought them up. So enjoy, or not.

1. Jimmy Page - What can you say about Jimmy Page that hasn't already been said? He's just phenomenal, and pretty much made Led Zeppelin who they were.
2. Les Paul - Besides his many contributions to the music industry, like multi-track recording and the Iconic Les Paul guitar he played every week at the same club in New York City until the week before he died at age 94. Plus when he was younger, he had his arm smashed in a car accident, so he had his arm set so he could still play guitar, with a smashed arm! Now that's Rock N' Roll, no wait, that fuckin' Rock N' fuckin' Roll!!
3. Joe Perry - Or Joe Fuckin' Perry as Steven Tyler calls him is probably the most suave axeman that's ever been. Plus the dude still looks good for his age.
4. Joe Satriani - This guy gave lessons to guitar players like Steve Vai and Kirk Hammett. That's cool. We couldn't do without them. And he had a full head of hair and just decided to shave it all off to be unique. Also watching the stage lights dance and reflect off of his chrome Ibanez is just mesmerizing.
5. Steve Vai - I mentioned him up above, but do you remember the guitar duel in the movie 'Crossroads'? That was him dueling the Karate Kid. Plus he did the riffs for the Bill & Ted movies and George Carlin's guitar solo in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
6. Lita Ford - She was hot, yes, but she could actually play too. It wasn't just window dressing. Any broad that can throw down like that is cool in my book!
7. Ace Frehley - I've never been a big fan of Kiss, but watching him play his smoking guitar was cool. That's right his guitar would start smoking as he played, of course it was an effect, but who else has done that?
8. Keith Richards - I'm not very big on the Rolling Stones either, but let's face it. This man is invincible. Seriously, he may never die. Now that's cool.
9. Zakk Wylde - Who else could throw down for Ozzy for 20 years? Well, maybe Randy Rhoads could have, but unfortunately he died, or maybe he'd be on this list instead. Plus Zakk decided that he was tired of his baby face and wanted to look like an alcohol fueled viking. I love vikings!!
10. Johnny Ramone - Never has busting out a series of power chords been so cool. He made me think that I could actually play. Too bad fucking cancer had to go and take him from us.

Here is my barely missed out section.

• Slash - He is just in a category all his own. All Hail!
• Synester Gates - That is one of the coolest names ever! Plus this dude can shred.
• Eddie VanHalen - The more I hear about him, the more he sounds like a douche. But he is one of the most iconic guitar players ever.

By the way, no one who died of drug related deaths made this list. Doing drugs may be cool or at least look cool, but doing them until you die is just fucking lame.

Who You Is?

The other day at work I went to Wendy's for lunch and I ordered a combo meal. Well, I substituted a side salad for my fries because I believe that Wendy's fries are by far the worst fast food fries. Anyways, they put my salad in one bag and my burger in another. I hate that. I told my girlfriend that I hated that because people see me and think, "Oh look, the fat guy has two bags of food." And she just replied something about how I care so much about what other people think of me. But she's wrong. I don't care what other people think of me, as long as it's the correct ME that they form their opinion on. In other words, if you don't really know me and you form an idea or an assumption about me that you don't like and base it all on misinformation or incomplete truths, I take issue with that. In that case I do care what you think of me. But if you do know me, the real me, and you still don't like me, I don't give a shit. I'm me and I like me, so you can go fuck yourself. And Wendy's can go fuck their fries!

Automotive Hijinks

One time when I was a mechanic at the shop (dealership) I worked at, me and some of the other guys got into some big time hijinks. Once I rolled up some shop rags and stuffed them up my buddy's tail pipe. Well, not his tail pipe, his car's tail pipe. I then taped over them so they wouldn't blow out. Well he got in his car and left, and just as he got about half way across a major 8 lane road his car died. You see if a car's exhaust builds up too much back pressure, or in this case is just blocked off completely, it will cause the car to shut off. We thought it would have died sooner, not when he was on the road. But who cares. He came back in and he was furious! We all just laughed at his ass.

P.S. This trick also works well with a potato.

Fuck the Yankees, fuck the Lakers, fuck the Redwings, fuck the Cowboys, fuck the University of Miami. People only like these teams because they're popular. You aren't real fans. Not like me anyways. I am and have always been a Cincinnati Bengals fan. That's a real fucking fan. No goddamn bandwagon here. My brother is too. So go fuck yourself Kobe Bryant, Tony Romo, and Gay-Rod, (with the exception of this past NBA season) you guys have proven time after time, that you are paid to be losers. You guys and all of the other fuckers that can't get it done in a clutch situation need to go cut your own balls off and expose yourselves as the pussies you are.

I Think There's a Black Flag Song About This...

I drink and drive. I do, I know I shouldn't but I do. How do you like that? Of course I rarely do anymore, not like I used to. I'm more responsible now. Actually I've dodged enough bullets that I have wised up. I don't feel like killing anyone or dying in a car anymore. Driving ossified drunk is only fun in Grand Theft Auto IV. Especially when you're running from the police. Fuck da po-lice!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmC87hXM1WM

There's a link above, watch the video. WATCH THE FUCKING VIDEO!! It's a Public Service Announcement.

Got AIDS?

AIDS, that's right, AIDS. Well actually that's some heavy shit. Other than telling someone to go wash their mouth out with a glass full of AIDS infected semen, I find it hard to goof on AIDS. Except for when you think of all the Africans with AIDS. All those Africans fucking each other, cutting off clitorises, and fucking monkeys. How could you not laugh? A boobida, boobida, boobida, and spears getting thrown everywhere. Big old gloppy AIDS riddled titties swingin' all over the place. Now tell me that ain't funny.