Now I'm Burning

I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with Jim Rome is Burning on ESPN. But Jim Rome is a sportscaster who has is own show (obviously) and the beginning segment of his show is four or five current sport topics that he is "burning" on. So I'd like to introduce my rip-off version of that. I'm not necessarily burning on these subjects, they just bug the shit out of me or they piss me off.

• Black People With Mexican Names - Every black guy I have ever met with a name like Jose, Juan, Manuel, Emmanuel, and so on have been annoying motherfuckers. This needs to stop. Or I am going to have to hurt some of these dickheads.
• Ball Zits - Ever get a zit on your ball sack? I fucking hate that. And by the way it doesn't happen often, maybe once a year. But you'll be feeling around and "oh shit, I found a lump" but then as you squeeze it, shit squirts out of it. Gross.
• Chipped Tooth - The other day I slightly chipped my tooth while biting my nails. I shouldn't be biting my nails first of all, but I chipped a tooth in the process of doing it. What a fit of anger that caused.
• Featuring - Why are all of these fucking songs we see videos for and hear on the radio have to be Someone (featuring so and so)? Doesn't anybody perform their own songs by themselves anymore? Fuck that, that's stupid.
• Munt/Mumf - Have you noticed that this is how black people say the word month? Why? Why? Why is that? It isn't that hard. Month. Read it, month, it's not that hard. I forgot to do something this munt. What? I'll see you next mumf. What? Just stop talking please.

Double Standard Jive

Now, we're going to talk about Double Standards, which aren't always fair, but tend to work out in some one's favor. Now, as a man I have noticed a few which seemed odd to me. 1st is "whores". Remember back in high school or maybe even where you work(ed) there may have been one or two promiscuous women who everyone knew were easy. So they banged a lot of guys. And that would qualify them as "whores" or "sluts" and other nasty names (Personally I would call them "generous"). Now change the scenario to a guy getting laid a lot and he becomes cooler. "Hey, he's the man, he gets to bang all of the chicks!" Sounds like a good deal to me. Next is "virgins". I guess women aren't always too big on virgin men (I may be incorrect) because they're inexperienced. They aren't sure what to do or how to please a woman. That's understandable I guess, but how are we going to learn without practice? Porn? Yeah, that's a lot of help. Not every woman is into anal or drinking buckets of jizz, so porn really is no help. However guys do like virgin women, right? Why? Because they're virgins! Innocent, untouched, untainted by another man. Plus taking a girl's virginity is like earning a really hard achievement on an Xbox game. You can brag about that shit and show it to your friends. Also if nothing has stretched out the VJ it makes your rhythm stick feel bigger. Now, my 3rd double standard is same sex intercourse. I have never heard a woman say that she found 2 dudes getting it on sexually exciting, attractive or hot in any way, shape or form. Can you prove me wrong? But I think most men, most straight men enjoy seeing two women get it on. Can I get an Amen? I mean c'mon, that's hot. We have no idea why, but it's hot. What's better than two chicks dyking it out? More naked chicks added to the mix! Especially if they're related, like sisters or something. Or any number of women and one guy, as long as you're the one guy, right? C'mon, am I right? Ahhh, I know I am. Even if I'm not it doesn't matter. This is my website.

For Real, Yo!

Can anyone tell me why all of the current musical stars and hit makers are all women? Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Shakira, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, where are all of the men? Well, I guess gender really shouldn't be an issue, but what's with all of the shitty cookie cutter pop music? Where have all of the real musicians gone? You know, people that play their own instruments, write their own songs, stuff like that. I sure can't wait until the new Black Label Society, Trvium, and Murderdolls CDs come out. The new Avenged Sevenfold Cd 'Nightmare' is a fucking breath of fresh air. Especially compared to this shit I have to listen to at work. We have to listen to a radio station that plays nothing but current pop music and dance hits. It makes me want to drink myself into a coma. If I'm lucky I get to hear 'Hey, Soul Sister' by Train and 'If You Only Knew' by Shinedown. And I'm not even sure how Shinedown made it to this radio station. They certainly would never play 'Sound of Madness' or 'Second Chance' so hearing Shinedown just baffles me to no end. Train I understand, it's soft rock mixed with pop, but I have a soft spot for Train. They're a guilty pleasure of mine, just like 'LEGO' video games and Vietnamese women. But that's a little off topic. Hell even another Green Day CD or whatever the fuck they do now that's all over produced like a Miley Cyrus CD with an extra guitar player would be welcomed. Not that I'd purchase it, but I'd listen to it. At the very least I'd have my brother burn me a copy like he did with '21st Century Breakdown', because I know if Green Day releases something, he is going to get it. But I'm like that when it comes to my favorite bands too. So I'm rambling again, that's nice.

Bottom line: I miss good music. And I don't think I'm alone on that.

Some Gross Fucker

Okay, so people that know me may consider me to be a bit of a germophobe, which I guess I am to an extent. But it's only sometimes. In certain situations I have to wash my hands a lot, or I like to clean up and not be dirty. Mostly I think I'm just trying to be sanitary, but I guess once in a while I can go overboard. Not like Howie Mandel or nothing. I haven't used so much Purell that my hands won't produce natural anti-bodies any more. But I think I have an idea why. Back when I was in the 4th grade I had to sit next to one of the dirtiest kids in school. His name may have been Matt or something. He was a good artist by the way, but he was also dirty. One day he and I were talking and he does one of these things where he rubs his nose starting with his finger tips and goes up to his wrist. As he pulls his hand away, somehow he slings nose fluid at me. Seriously. A drop hit my arm, a drop hit my face, and a drop hit me in my eye. That's right, right in my fucking eye! I didn't want to cause a scene so I act like it didn't happen. I puke a little into my mouth and I have an inner freak out. I wanted to come unhinged and flip my desk over, throw my chair at him, and yell "You just flung snot into my fucking eye, you dirty fucking cock smoker! I'm going to kill you!" I wish I could go back in time and prevent that from happening. that shit seriously fucked me up.

BANG! BANG!

So, on New Years this past January, I got to shoot a real live gun for the first time in my life. It was great. I got to unload 2 rounds from some kind of a shotgun. One of my best friends lives out in the sticks and it's an area populated by mostly white country folk. Which is cool by the way. That comes in to play later in this story, that's why I mention it. So her boyfriend is a good old country boy and he loves his guns. He loves guns more than I love guitars. In fact he has about 50 of them sumbitches lying around his house. After midnight we were sitting around a little under the influence and I said, "We should go shoot some guns." Well, "Tommy" we'll call him, says "You want to?!" I was like "sure let's do it!" And he went and got one of his firearms. Back to living out in the country, no one around gives a shit, so we went out back at "Tara's" house and "Tommy" put a pair of rounds in the gun and cocked it. Then he showed me where the safety was and gave it to me. I was so nervous, I was scared I'd drop the gun when it went off or just look like a jackass somehow. After fumbling with the safety I figure it out and aim at a dirt hill and fired. It was awesome! He said "shoot it again!" So I did. It was awesome again! It made me want to buy myself a firearm. The best part was cocking it between shots. "Chuck, chock" that sound is cool. I even saved the spent shell casing from the first round that I fired. I know, I'm gay like that.

Random Quote

I recently read an article in Rolling Stone about Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas, it was an interview really not just an article, but I am extremely fascinated by this guy. He is really creative and has a lot of cool ideas. So I felt obliged to include this quote, it's from Rolling Stone issue 1103 from April 29, 2010.

Will.I.Am breaking music and commerce down to subatomic particles;

It's about frequency, currency. The words 'current' and 'frequent'

-what do they mean? Time. If currency also means something

you can spend, that means it's fluid - a current. If I'm currently

doing something and keep doing it, I'm doing it frequently. And if I

change my frequency to being positive, I attract currency.

So take from that what you will, but I thought that was an interesting idea/comment.

You know a word I like? Snatch. I have no idea why, but I like that word instead of vagina. I also like to say 'snatch-box', even though I know it's redundant. For some reason 'snatch-box' sounds dirtier to me. Like if I threatened to put my foot up your snatch-box, you'd know I meant business!

It Was Just a Little Stinker

Ever notice how your first fart after sex always smells horrible? Or is it just me? I could go all day long passing air biscuits that have no scent. None, no smell at all. But as I'm laying there in my relaxed post-coital state, I get that feeling. And I think to myself "I've been holding this back since I was getting a blowjob. I think now is a safe time to let it go." So I lift one cheek and let it slip out. If you're like me and you have a box fan blowing right you, as soon as the fart leaves my asshole the smell is in my face. It's all up in my mustache! And believe me it's bad. It smells like someone took a shit on a dead cat. Why is that?

LUV 2 SUE

I was driving the other day and I found myself behind a douche bag in a BMW and his licence plate said LUV 2 SUE. What a piece of shit! I would just love to take a sledge hammer to that car. Just smash the fucking thing all to hell. I'd leave a note with the car that said "Go ahead and try to sue me now you cretinous piece of shit fuck!! Of course he probably wouldn't have known what the word 'cretinous' meant. It was a black guy by the way.

Ever heard of a 'Chocolate Bandit Mask'? This is were you dip your balls in chocolate pudding and then drop them on some one's face over their eyes so it looks like they are wearing an old fashioned bandit mask. Kinda like what Zorro wore.

Rock On Metal Heads

So since I've had a lot of time on my hands at work I've just been writing tons of stuff for this blog, and one of my favorite things to write is just stupid lists. So, here's another one and this time I have made a list of Rock N' Roll/Heavy Metal Icons. Once again, this is my list and is not official.

1. Led Zeppelin - Besides Black Sabbath, they're probably the most influential band in heavy music. All 4 members were geniuses in their own right. They Rocked and Rolled.
2. Ozzy - Those 4 letters are all I need. You know who I'm talking about. I left off Black Sabbath and used only Ozzy because Black Sabbath weren't as great after Ozzy left and Ozzy's solo material was (and still is for the most part) just amazing. Plus he gave us Randy Rhodes and Zakk Wylde.
3. Steven Tyler & Joe Perry (Aerosmith) - Their drug fueled love for music and hatred for each other in the 70's made Aerosmith what it was. They took what the Stones did and made it trashy. Sex, Drugs, and Rock N' Roll before it was cool.
4. Sex Pistols - They were the filth and the fury. Without them no one would have given a shit about punk rock.
5. Metallica - A pioneer of thrash and simply one of the greatest metal bands ever. EVER! But then they went "mainstream". Whatever, they were creative. One thing this world has taught us is that we all need to evolve. Evolution, great idea. That's what they did.
6. Motley Crue - If Glam and Rock N' Roll had a kid, and Satan & Heavy Metal had a kid, then both of those kids had a baby, it would be Motley Crue. Truly a periodic table of R N' R elements. Sex, Drugs, Rock N' Roll, Excessive. That says it all.
7. Judas Priest - One of the greatest bands to come out of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal. 2 lead guitar players K.K. Downing & Glen Tipton were (are) sonic twins and Rob Halford bringing the black leather, studs, and spikes which became the uniform for heavy metal was perfect.
8. Guns N' Roses - What can I say about GN'R that hasn't already been said? An indestructible force that could only be destroyed by the band themselves. A combination of all the previous bands mentioned, but with a bad boy edge that hasn't been seen or copied since.
9. Pantera - A Power Groove unlike no other. A clownishly bad ass front man, one of the most prolific guitar players EVER, and a rhythm section to back them up. A complete package, plus one of the only bands that got progressively harder with each album.
10. Marilyn Manson - Controversial? Yes. Preached rebellion? Yes. But not really just rebellion, he challenged. He challenged you to think about whether what you believe in was what you believed, or was it what you were made to believe in. He challenged whether you were on individual or a follower, something that hit home with me when I was younger. But I will admit, that now he is a little passe.

Honorable mention....

• Les Paul - Not the guitar, but the man. Because if it weren't for the man, there would be no guitar. And the Les Paul guitar is probably the most iconic Rock guitar ever. Plus he made it to last weeks list and I didn't want to over do it.
• Iron Maiden - They get an honorable mention because I had to cut either them or Priest. Well, personally, without Judas Priest I don't think there would have been a need for Iron Maiden. But Iron Maiden really helped solidify the genre that Judas Priest ushered in.
• Ramones - If you don't know who they are, then the rest of this section was probably like Greek to you. So Gabba Gabba Hey!! Do some research, you'll thank yourself.