Public Service Announcement

Here is a Public Service Announcement for all of my readers out there.

DO NOT USE YOUR BARE HAND TO SEE IF YOU GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL (or any other cooking device)IS HOT. INJURIES MAY RESULT IF THIS IS ATTEMPTED!!

Is That a Wig?

OK fellas, I have something I need to share with you guys. The other day at work, this black chick had one of the funkiest hair cuts I have ever seen. It was so weird, it's hard to describe, but I'm gonna try! And on a side note, yes, I would have taken a picture if I could have. Words may not serve it justice. So here goes. Imagine in your mind a mullet. A black shiny mullet, but about 3/4 of the way up, it's not just straight hair, it's ropes that wrap around the head. At least it looks like ropes, or cake frosting. you know how they always put a bead of frosting around the edges of a cake? That's what it looked like. Except it was like 4 or 5 "rings" around her head. Got that so far? A black shiny mullet with "frosting rings" around the top part. Then at the very top was just silly ribbon looking shit. Kinda like when you take a straight piece of ribbon and run scissors along the length of it and it causes the ribbon to curl. That's at the very top. So we've got a mullet with 4 or 5 frosting "ropes or rings" around the top 1/4 and then ribbon curls at the very top. And it's all black and shiny like it's soaked in Afro-Sheen or some shit. Hell. That shit sounds cool, it might catch on and sweep the nation. Of course if that did happen I'd have to kill each and everyone of you guys out of love and respect. So, CHEERS!

Quote of the Month

Here's a new bit I'm adding to my shit. "Quote of the Month!!" So this is my quote of the month for August. "This game is gayer than Go Fish!" In reference to the drinking card game 'Asshole'. This past weekend my girlfriend and a couple of our friends were trying to teach my girlfriend's son to play Asshole with us. Well he wasn't awesome at it right out of the gate so he labelled the game "gay". First of all, Asshole is fun and the first many times I played it, I was Asshole quite bit. But I stuck with it and I'm pretty damn awesome now. Secondly "gayer" isn't even a word, so it should have been, "this game is more gay than Go Fish" third and most important, Go Fish is not gay. Go Fish is fun. Of course it's a child's game, but that's OK. Not to mention labeling something "gay" just because you're no good at it isn't right. That's more of a reflection of who you and your values (or lack there of) are and represent. So 4 key points to remember boys & girls.

1. Our Quote - "this game is gayer than Go Fish!"
2. Asshole is not a bad game. It's fun if you take the time to learn. Plus you can play with beer, liquor, or even drugs. Hey I won't judge!
3. Go Fish is also an alright game.
4. "Gayer" is not a word. Please use "more gay" in the future.

Thank You very much. See ya next month for our Quote of the Month.

Double Jointed Jive

Do you guys know anyone who's double jointed? In any way? I'm not just talking about guys that can blow themselves or women that can pin their legs behind their heads and shove their fists up their own asses. Don't get me wrong, that's cool, but not exactly what I'm talking about. I mean any double joint. Isn't it some of the weirdest shit? My left thumb is double jointed and it used to creep people out when I was in school (especially the girls) because it makes my thumb look broken or something. Of course over the course of my lifetime thus far 3 major things have almost eliminated my ability to do it. First of all, at a young age, I became a video game dork, something to this day I still consider myself. Next I began working on cars for a living. And I also started playing guitar. So my hands are almost too big and too strong to do it. Which sucks. But if you've got some spare time, and patience, and a high thresh hold for pain, you too could be double jointed. All you need in addition to the above requirements is a HAMMER. Self mutilation in other words. Beating yourself with a hammer is way cooler than tattoos or piercings. Haven't you heard yet? It's all the rage!

Check this out, the other day I had what looked like a mosquito bite on my left hand. It's just by my knuckle where my thumb & hand meet. Well, after staring at it and examining it, and the fact that it didn't itch I realized it was an ingrown hair follicle that had become infected. Then a day later it started to hurt like a bastard. At the four day mark not one, but two hairs had grown through it and finally there was some form of a head on the fucking thing that looked like a zit. So I tried to squeeze the goo out of it. But at that point the area around it was so red and swollen that it looked like a red nickel. And that sucked. Plus only like a drop of goo came out of it. I looks like I have some sort of an infection other than an ingrown hair on my hand now. And it just hurts, plus now that it's started healing it itches. So it hurts and it itches. And when I scratch it, it hurts more. What's worse is I don't even know how it happened to be on an area like my hand. Have you ever had that? Speaking of ingrown hairs, you have to ask my brother about the one he had in his nose a few years ago. Fuck all of that noise!

This is it at the 5 day mark.

True Fact

True Fact: Actually this is an amazingly true fact. Back in the mid 1980s John Fogerty was sued for plagiarism because he wrote a song that sounded too much like a song written by John Fogerty. You read that right, that's not a typo. He wrote a song that sounded similar to one he already wrote. Of course I'm leaving out a few details, but that's what it boils down to. Years ago John was in a little band called Creedance Clearwater Revival or CCR for short, maybe you've heard of them. And the CCR song in question was 'Run Through the Jungle' and in 1985 John released an amazing solo album entitled 'Centerfield'. On the album was the hit title track 'Centerfield' as well as the hit song 'The Old Man Down the Road' That was the other song in question. You see, Fantasy Records held the rights to the old CCR catalog and his solo career was with a different record company. So Fantasy Records claimed that 'The Old Man Down the Road' sounded too much like 'Run Through the Jungle' and tried to sue him. Eventually Fogerty won the case, but how fucked up is it that he was sued for plagiarizing himself? True Fact.

An Award Winning Short Story

Back when I was a tech working for Ford I got into some hijinks. Especially after I started working on the night shift. Once I was working nights I was part of a crew of young guys that wanted to dick off and party all the time. Just like the Eddie Murphy song. We would make home made flame throwers and shit, try to throw each other into the dumpsters when we took the trash out, hide from the managers, bull shit like that. One time "Brian" and I took one of the gallon hand cleaner containers that only had an inch or two of cleaner left in it and we scooped the remaining hand cleaner out. Next we filled it almost to the top with wheel bearing grease. Then we took the hand cleaner back on top. So now it looks like a new container of hand cleaner. We put it in the wash room by the sink and just waited. A while goes by and our asshole, dickhead, cocksucker manager goes in there to wash his hands. You see, "Fuckface" we'll call him, didn't know shit about cars but liked to poke his nose in every body's shit like he was a master tech. So he goes to wash his hands and like a dumbass he dunks his whole hand into the jug of cleaner (grease) instead of just scooping some off the top like everyone else. Well he flips his fucking lid. At the time I was at the other end of the shop on the phone with my girlfriend or some shit and I thought I heard someone call my name. So after I get off the phone I head down to the parts department and everyone was like "Dude, where have you been?! "Fuckface" is looking for you and he is pissed!" I asked why he was looking for me? "Brian" told me that he dunked his hand in the grease and immediately came out of the washroom screaming my name. I asked how he knew I had anything to do with it? But since I was always involved any time shit went down like that, I didn't really have to ask. So "Brian" tells me that "Fuckface" got all up in his face because he was laughing at him. He asked if he was responsible for it and "Brian" admitted that he had a part in it, but wouldn't give me up. So "Fuckface" tells him, "We'll see how funny it is when you're unemployed!" and walked away from him. So now I'm panicking because I think "Brian" just got fired. He had a young girlfriend with one kid and another on the way, so I didn't want him to get fired. So I track "Fuckface" down and apologize. It was the first time, by the way. I never apologized for the shit I pulled back in the day. But I really wanted "Brian" to keep his job, so I humbled myself. "Fuckface" was still pissed and he wanted to tell the General Manager about what had happened. So all night I was worried that I was gonna lose my job. The next day "Fuckface" gets to work, and I'm watching the front office from the shop, and our GM walks up to him, puts one hand on his shoulder and says, "I heard you got your hands a little dirty last night." as he tries to hold back his laughter. Then pats him on his back and walks away laughing his ass off. "Fuckface" was humiliated. I Win!

Special...Uh...Delivery?

Did you hear about the 2 women in Joplin, Mo. (this past December) that got pulled over for speeding and when the car was searched, the troopers found 20 pounds of pot, marijuana, weed, ganje, chiba, dope, grass, Mary Jane, funk, funny stuff, grefa, gunney, Indian hay, wacky tobacky, bo-bo, cannabis, chronic, well you get the picture. Anyway, some of it was wrapped up like Christmas gifts. Someone didn't get what they asked Santa for, for Christmas. But, oh well, if that's all you want for Christmas, you're probably a loser anyways.

Fuck You, Football is On

Since that time of the year is upon us and Football season is a mere couple weeks away. This is for my football fans out there. You men might be the only ones that understand what I'm saying here, but I think it's important to say. When football is on and I'm watching it, leave me the fuck alone. I have tunnel vision and you aren't in my line of sight. Especially if I'm watching the Bengals. I'll be so engrossed in what's going on that people will be talking to me and I don't even know it. And please, please, please, don't try to hold a serious conversation with me. I am not paying attention! I don't even like to drink when I'm watching Cincinnati play because it diverts too much of my attention away from the game. And something that really makes me go ape shit is when my girlfriend invites people over and they think it's a social function. I don't give a shit, I'm watching football. But what really pisses me off is when other people come over and my girlfriend actually goes outside to smoke (instead of just standing by the open door) because then I'm left alone to entertain our guests. And I don't want to. It's too hard to pretend like I give a shit, and pretend to listen, while I'm paying full attention to the T.V. I'm going "uh huh, oh great, yeah that's nice......YES! FUCK YOU!! Touch Down! I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was listening to Phil Simms and Jim Nantz, not you." You get it now? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?