Rituals

How many of you gentle men out there have certain things you do when you piss at a urinal? I know I do. I like to tilt my head back, close my eyes, and relax. And at work in the men's room for 3 months, I've noticed a hair that looks like a pube or some shit stuck in the light fixture over the urinals. I notice it as I look up every time I piss. And I wonder if it is indeed a pube, how did it get stuck in the light fixture? Anyways, recently I went to take a piss and as I am full tilt back and relaxed I cough. And it was a healthy full throat cough too. And as I open my eyes I noticed the fucking pube is gone. Where did it go? I have no idea, i must have blown it out when I coughed. So where did it go? I have no idea but I hope it did not land on me any where. Especially if it was a pube. I searched all over too. I couldn't find that sucker. I just hope it didn't land on me somewhere. Somewhere I couldn't see it. That would really piss me off if it did.

Video Game Review

Alright boys and girls, time for a video game review. Well, kinda. One of my favorite newer video games is Battlefield Bad Company 2. The first one was cool, but the second one is way better. Right now this is Call of Doody's main rival as far as video games go. For me the graphics and overall appearance of the game seem crisper, less cartoony, and the bulk of my game time has been spent online. The actual single player story mode is even better! One level had me driving a 4 wheeler across a desert with wind blowing sand everywhere, and I swear I almost got sand in my eye. There are tons of different game modes like Conquest, Rush, Squad Deathmatch, Squad Rush, Onslaught and even a Vietnam expansion. One of the best parts of playing online is knifing people. There is nothing better sneaking up on some unsuspecting enemy, preferably a sniper, and hitting the right bumper to knife a guy. Actually one thing is more satisfying and that's using the .50 caliber sniper rifle to pick off an enemy on the other side of the map that thinks he's hidden until you pull off a ridiculous head shot. Yeah that or tea bagging someone after you kill them so they see it when the game shows their killer. Oh, and the best part of the knife kills is the game keeps a copy of every one's dog tags when you knife them. So you get a virtual collection of every one's dog tags you take. And if you knife a guy 2, 3 or 7 times it keeps track of that too. I have close to 1000 dog tags myself and some friends have more. And in a little while Battlefield 3 is going to come out and and that means Call of Doody will have to up their game too. As long as both game series are continued they can only get better as they try to out do each other. That means hooray for us, the consumers. We do nothing while the games keep getting better and better.

A Little Insight Into Me

OK, I have a statement to make. I am a fan of the Misfits. Past, present, and probably the future too. And I know some of you Misfits purists out there aren't going to like it, but since when do you think I give a shit? I'll admit that nothing will ever be as good as the original Misfits, but I will always have a place in my heart for the Michale graves fronted Misfits as well as the more current incarnation. Here's why, when I first got into the Misfits, I had no idea Glenn Danzig was a founding member. My first Misfits CD was 'American Psycho' so I thought it was the same band. I guess I got into the Misfits a little too late. But whose fault is that? Not mine. Maybe if you purists were a little more on the ball this wouldn't have happened. Plus Michale graves isn't a bad singer. Have you heard him? He has a great melodic voice. Another thing is Jerry Only. I've got an autograph from him at every Misfits show I've been to. They may not be worth much monetarily, but to me they are near priceless. He's the Only (excuse the pun) person I've personally seen stand at the edge of the stage after ever show and sign autographs for EVERYONE. That shit means something to me. Another reason is because I drove my ass to Kentucky to see their split set on the Warped tour many years ago. I'm a redhead and out door summer festivals don't always agree with my fair skin. So as I'm standing right in front of the stage as their equipment is being set up I hear this guy dressed like Jerry Only put his arms around the couple next to me and say "How are we doing guys?" in a sinister sounding voice. I'm thinking "Ha! Great costume dude!" Until he looks at me and shakes my hand. It was really Jerry! I was like a speechless little girl. All I could manage to say was "You're Jerry! I love you dude!" And he signed my tour program. And the last reason - The last time I saw the Misfits my brother was with me. He was still high school I think, so he was my responsibility. The opening bands were sub-par, but everyone was there for the Misfits anyways. As soon as they hit the stage and we heard Jerry's bass rumbling the crowd erupted. Everyone was pushing to get closer, jumping up and down and going bananas. So I'm watching my brother on my left and he didn't seem to expect the crown to react so wildly. But I'm watching over him because he's my responsibility. After 2 or 3 songs I'm into the madness and I look to my left to check on my brother and he isn't there. My heart almost stopped, but I was filled too quickly with panic for that to happen. So I'm looking around where he was, on the floor. I would have died if I saw him lying trampled on the ground. But somehow he ended up on my right side. I have no idea how or when it happened, but he went from my left to my right. When I looked over at him he was jumping up and down, pumping his fist in the air with this madman Billy Idol snarl on his face. I think he was enjoying himself more than I was! I went from shear panic to pure elation in a matter of seconds. But at the same time it is one of my fondest memories ever. So that's what the Misfits mean to me. That's the very definition that appears in my head when I hear the word misfit. These preceding events are forever emblazoned in the annals of my memory. Can you dig that?

Hey, what's your thoughts on washing your hands after using the toilet? Personally I think it's a little overkill to wash after EVERY toilet visit. Although if you're at home, what does it really matter? I guess this is a bigger deal in public situations. Of course if you're alone in a public restroom what does it really matter? I'm pretty much a "Hey if I don't get piss or shit all over myself, I'm fine" kinda guy. But if there is someone else in the restroom, I'll wash. Hey, I don't want others thinking I'm dirty. Makes sense, right? Especially if I'm at work. I have to see these motherfuckers everyday, I'm not taking any chances there. However if I'm at an amusement park or something like that, I don't care. Washing your hands is pointless in that situation. I'd rather have a nice coating of my own filth on me to separate the filth I'll pick up from everywhere else. I do have a gripe for guys though. Can't we keep the water in the sink? Not all over the counter tops the sink sits in. It pisses me off when I go to wash my hands and I brush up against the counter and get my pants wet. Great! Now it looks like I pissed myself because someone had poor water control. Oh and this is fer everyone, stop popping your zits on to the mirrors. Honestly that's pretty vile, am I right? Don't answer, I know it is.

The other day I was short on cash and in need of toilet paper, so I went to the local CVS to see what was cheap. I found these 2 giant CVS brand economy rolls for $1.15 each. These fuckers last about a week a piece at least. But they're single ply. I guess that's what I should expect from the economy stuff. And that's the problem. It's basically the same stuff at work too. It's cheap, rough, and not very comfortable. So now after almost 2 weeks of using this stuff my asshole almost feels raw. OK, OK, not almost feels raw. I believe it is raw. It certainly feels that way. You know when you have a cold and you're constantly blowing and/or wiping your nose, and your nostrils get all red, sore, and chapped? Imagine that, but on your chocolate starfish. I'm thinking of buying a tube of Chapstick for it. Or I wonder if they make Carmex for rectal applications.

Weird Dream

I recently had a dream I need to tell you guys about. I'm not sure where it took place, but I was working in some sort of parts store or whatever. But here's the freaky part, Kris, Kim, Kourtney Kardashian and Bruce Jenner were spokespersons for the company I worked for. And they came to my store to do an in-store appearance. So they came, do a meet and greet, the usual celebrity horseshit. So after we close the store and everyone begins to clear out, I notice Kris (the mother) is hanging around while I clean the store. So eventually she comes over to me and we exchange glances, then a few words (that I don't remember). Next thing I know she backs me into a table and jumps on me. And we start making out like sex crazed teenagers. In my defense though, she looked like Kim with short hair, OK? Not the older lady she really is. But before things got too hot and heavy she pulls away and says "Wait, we'll have to finish this when I get back." So I ask "Where are you going? When will you be back?" She just tells me it's a secret and walks away.

So then the dream fast forwards and it's the next day and me and the rest of my employees are at work when it's announced that as a publicity stunt Kris, Kim, Kourtney, and Bruce are being launched into outer space later in the evening to promote my company. So there's a big uproar and I start bragging about my impending relationship with Kris and people ask "What about Bruce?" I'm like "Fuck him, who cares? He's not my problem." Then the dream fast forwards again.

Now it's the evening and moments before the launch. As we're getting ready to close the store a homeless man comes through the door ranting and raving. We try to calm him down and ask what's wrong. He points to a T.V. and yells "LOOK!" And the news breaks in with Late Breaking News. they show footage of the shuttle launching and then exploding. Next you can see 3 people falling through the fiery debris trying to free themselves from their seats so they can parachute. Finally they free themselves and deploy their parachutes and float safely to the ground. Suddenly someone points out that there was only 3 people not 4 that escaped. So as I'm staring st the T.V. I hear someone say "I hope Kris wasn't the 4th one that didn't make it." That's when I was startled awake.

Pretty weird, huh? Not sure what was more disturbing, the fact that I had a dream about the Kardashians or that they were going into outer space.

Horrible Song

You know what song I hate? 'Cherry Pie' by Warrant. You feel me? OK, back in the 80s it was a neat song. I say 'neat' because it was a shitty song back then too, but it was acceptable in that era. Now you're able to see it for the piece of shit that it is. And it's no secret I don't like Warrant anyways, so I could be a little biased here. But one thing I like to do when I have to hear this song is change the lyrics. Here's an example or two...

He's my cherry pie

Drinking water from his ass until it's dry

Looks so good, make a gay man cry

Sweet cherry pie

Oh yeah

OR

She's my cherry pie

Punch her in the face until she cries

So much blood running from her eyes

Sweet cherry pie

Oh yeah

Even with those lyrics it's still shitty, but at least it's tolerable. You know what I mean?

Greatest List Ever. EVER!

OK so this may be my coolest list ever. You all know I'm a big fan of random ass lists. Well, this may be a hard one for me to top, but I wanted to give you guys some gold after my long absence.

This is a list of Women Whom I'd Like To Stick My Finger In Their Butts.

So are ya ready?! Well here goes.....In no particular order.

1. NAME - Mila Kunis WHO IS SHE? - She was Jackie on 'That 70's Show' and she voices Meg Griffin on 'Family Guy' among other things. WHY HER? - She's a cute little Ukrainian broad and I like her voice. I'd imagine she was Meg while I Stick My Finger In Her Butt. If she tried to fit back I'd say "Shut up, Meg!"

2. NAME - Selena Gomez WHO IS SHE? - She is a young actress on the Disney Channel. Don't worry, she's 18 now. WHY HER? - I'm not really sure to be honest. But damn she's just cute as a fuckin' button. Maybe that's why. So I can ruin something pure.

3. NAME - Olivia Wilde WHO IS SHE? - She is an actress on 'House' she plays "13". Plus she was in the new 'Tron Legacy' movie. WHY HER? - She seems really tough. Like it would be a challenge to Stick My Finger In Her Butt. And I think I'm up for that challenge.

4. NAME - Lindsay Lohan WHO IS SHE? - A rehab prone actress. Just another fucked up child actor celebrity. She isn't as bad as Charlie Sheen though.......yet. WHY HER? - Because she's fucked up. She'd probably be into it. Plus she has freckles everywhere, and I'm curious about how much she is covered by them.

5. NAME - Audrina Patridge WHO IS SHE? - She was on 'The Hills' on MTV. I've never seen that show, so I'm not sure why I even know who she is. WHY HER? - I'm not sure about this one either, but when the Stick My Finger In Her Butt list came to mind, she was one of the first few I thought of.

6. NAME - Morgan Lander WHO IS SHE? - She is the singer/guitarist for the band Kittie. WHY HER? - Because! That's why! I have my reasons and they're mine, so fuck you. But if you must know, it's because I've had a crush on her since 1999 and she has a crazy vocal range while singing and I would want her to growl while I Stick My Finger In Her Butt, and make her scream into my penis like a microphone.

7. NAME - Milla Jovovich WHO IS SHE? - She was a model, now an actress and she does some cool sci-fi movies. She was Project Alice in the 'Resident Evil' movies. WHY HER? - It's just an infatuation that I have with her and her Project Alice character. When I Stick My Finger In Her Butt I'd say "That ain't no Zombie!"

8. NAME - Adriana Lima WHO IS SHE? - She is a model for Victoria's Secret. WHY HER? - Because having a Victoria's Secret model on this list doesn't sound like a bad idea. Plus she has the most beautiful piercing blue eyes. And I figure if she has great blue eyes, then I ought to inspect her brown eye too!

9. NAME - Jill Wagner WHO IS SHE? - She was once the spokesperson for Mercury. Now she is a co-host on the T.V. show 'Wipeout'. WHY HER? - From what I've seen of her on 'Wipeout' she seems like she'd be a fun individual. You know? Like she'd be a good sport about it. She'd be a good sport when I Stick My Finger In Her Butt.

10. NAME - Emma Watson WHO IS SHE? - She is an actress mostly known for her character Hermione Granger in the 'Harry Potter' movies. WHY HER? - Why not? She's hot and she portrays an iconic figure in a mega blockbuster movie franchise. And I'd like to wave my "wand" at her while I Stick My Finger In Her Butt.

As always I have a runners up section, if you will, to include. Here are the few that just missed out......

** NAME - Gisele Bundchen WHO IS SHE? - She is a world famous model and the wife of All Star quarterback Tom Brady. WHY HER? - So I could say "Hey Brady, you stole my haircut, now I have my Finger In Gisele's Butt!" That's the only reason.

** NAME - Cheryl Burke WHO IS SHE? - She is one of the professional dancers on 'Dancing With The Stars'. WHY HER? - She's hot and she's my favorite dancer on 'DWTS' and she was Ochocinco's partner when he was on the show. So I'd tweet Ocho and say "Hey 85 I just Stuck My Finger In Her Butt!"

** NAME - Kelly Osbourne WHO IS SHE? - Singer, talk show host and Ozzy's daughter. WHY HER? - Because she's Ozzy's daughter. She looks good now since she lost that weight. And I'd make her say dirty things in her English accent while I Stick My Finger In Her Butt.

So there you go. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it!!

P.S. - Finding pics online that would fit my format was NOT easy.

SO YOU BETTER FUCKING APPRECIATE THIS!!!

TRUE FACT:

True Fact: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons are the 2 of the 3 guys from ZZ Top with the cool, long, old timer Santa beards. The third member, and drummer does not have a cool lion's mane of a beard. But his name is Frank Beard. That's so odd you couldn't make it up! The one guy without a beard, has the name beard.

TRUE FACT!